Battlefield

I know I haven't been writing a lot lately. But sometimes, I just sit there and wonder why am I writing this. Is it truly about letting my emotions flow in words? Or I wanna inspire other souls out there to cope with whatever it is? Or am I seeking attention? To be very honest about it, it is everything above. I mean get real here, we are just too timid and ashamed about the truth but nothing is going to change anything.

Lately, I have been coping with the training of using a wheel chair after my opt since I still couldn't really regain the ability to walk. It wasn't as fun as I thought it would be. The emotional part that is hard to cope with. And I am pretty annoyed sometimes by the fact most of my friends thinking that traveling around the world for medical purposes is fun! I was like what the fuck is wrong with you? Yes on my trip I did go around to see old friends and all, and this is where I really learned about the power of assumptions. We gotta face it sometimes, we can't help it if others wanted to judge us. But how to pull ourselves together when shit happens?

This is where I stand at the moment. Doing the things that I love, seeing new things and all. And the most important part, coping with myself. I am not gonna elaborate about that excruciating pain that I am going through daily. That is something I gotta learn how to cope with it. But what is really getting outta my hands Is my anger. The frustration of seeing myself, pushing myself to get on my feet and all, and constant failure. I just lose it once rage overpowering myself. I could just snap and cut off. Yes, I am running away from my close friends. Not mainly that they couldn't understand or whatever. It is just there isn't a point to do anything. Yes, the more friends trying to console me, the more frustration I get. The more I listen about what they think, the more I nurture rage. And in the very end, the last four closes friends I had, who never judge, who never just gimme that sympathy, who tried understand what I am going through, who was always by me, I pushed them out. Do I miss them? Everyday! But I really don't know what could I do. It is just too overwhelming for me. And the one I cared for most, who is always there for me, still stood by me. But I think I really distance myself. I know it's stupid to do so, but I couldn't help it either.

I know you will understand. But I just trying to figure out where my future is leading me to and how am I gonna face it. It sounded like an easy task, until you were at that point, no one could really know how that feeling is. I know comparing to the beautiful souls I met through our the years, I am blessed but there is an inner battle I have to fight at the moment. And I am not denying that I am very tired now. I wish I somehow could make it simple and brush it off. But the point is, why am I doing that for? All in my mind now is I just wanted all of these to stop!