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Saturday, August 4, 2012

11th Month

Looking back at the beginning of an end, I am pretty glad that so far it has been 11 months now I stayed clean. I am having a lot of physical pain and I couldn't go to sleep. It is nearly midnight now and reading back all the old post here. In many ways, I am kinda proud of my achievement and determination I have made so far.

At my dark times in the past, I was relatively a coward. Wanting an easy way out of the emotion turmoil I caught up in. The easiest way is not to feel at all. How? Drugs. At times, I am still mad. Mad at myself why didn't I have the courage to face what I was in. Yes, no doubt that drugs was able to help me in ways that I myself couldn't imagine. But it wasn't right at all. I put myself in so much danger. Thinking back, I hate that person. I was reckless, relentless, and irresponsible. I didn't care what were the consequences, I put myself in so much danger and I really didn't care much. When I came to a point to tell my parents about it, that face I see was out of words to describe. I really let them down.

But looking back, I knew I couldn't change the past. But I could change my future. Feeling empathy towards the victims (Friends of mine) of it, being enslaved and caught up with many social illnesses, being put on the record, and all. I could say I was lucky enough to hold myself and at many occasions, I was purely lucky. I don't know why am I writing about this at the moment, but with all the physical pain I am going through now, I just feel like pouring everything out.

To be honest, I somehow still have that urge once a while. But I found a way for me to hold back and say no. It was and has been a great strength for me now. Sometimes, it felt funny that why am I so paranoid about this. I guess the heart could only do when you really wanting to help without wanting anything in return. Somehow it helped me. I knew there are people I put my lifeline on as a bet. But they have their downfall too. But what more could I do if they were to fall of the path? I don't know but somehow that faith I have for that person was really strong. No one is perfect. But a heart to a heart, we don't need words to explain why.

Somehow, what I really wanted to say is I am happy with my streak for staying clean. I hope I really had put an end to a that. 11 months and counting. And I am really sorry to waste the time for my readers to read such crap. Just wanted to take it off my chest. Good night.


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Live to love and love to live. The motto that I held on my entire life. Just a regular guy who loves what I am passionate in life. A song writer and producer. Living life on the move. From Malaysia to The States, New Zealand to Singapore. With the companion of great people in life. In and out from the music industry. Taking everything one step at a time. 
Eric believe what Eric says~ Cuz Eric is God~