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Sunday, August 26, 2012

Addiction

I guess when it comes to this word, it brings a lot of things that many of us doesn't wanna face. But no worries, this isn't about preaching any more. I guess to me, we make our own decision. I am writing this post cause I kinda had a heart felt conversation with my mom. I guess it all started with that stupid intervention we had earlier. Somehow, it just made me wanna ask them about all the things I have told them. I wonder that do they really take it seriously or just didn't pay any attention on it. 

Somehow, I was having addiction problems in the past. In many ways, whatever I have said, it is all crap to be honest. From my previous post Dealing With Drugs Issue. As a sober man, I say that is all CRAP!!!! I was clearly having addiction problems. And yet that part of being in denial and wanting a reason to do so. Even now, I can say, I will always be an addict. Deny it all you want, but even when you are sober, deep down there is a place like you are standing at the edge wanting it! Yes even now, I still have that. 

But many asked from time to time, how did I get my edge off? It is not an easy way out. 

I made too many broken promises to myself in the past. At first, I say, I promise that this would be my last dosage. Then, things we kinda fucked up back then, I made myself another promise that I wanna stop after things are getting better. I need it for now. Then later, when things started to get into place. I was still doing it, now for the reason of it excites the stimulation of having sex. Then I promise myself yet again will stop when... the list goes on. 

I clearly had an addiction back then. I have a problem which I didn't think I had. I may not get caught and all but it is not over but until I take responsibility of how low I sink, it is not over. After I figure out that I am not so good in keeping promises myself, I need to start making them to others like my family. I did came out to them about my addiction and all. And that is when I stopped. Till now, it has been successfully 11 months being sober and clean. I don't know how to deal with that urge sometimes when you are on the edge. But keeping that promise to them meant everything to me. 

That is why I need to talk to my mom about it again. I must know that they know it was a promise I made to them cause I am a lousy person when keeping promises to myself. I just had to know she really take note on that promise I made.

I would say, everyone has their own reasons and own thinking of it. I couldn't possibly do anything more to help. But I know I stop making excuses to myself and keeping that promise to the person who gave life to me. There isn't any way better than I thought. Any how, being in the entertainment industry I am being exposed to this environment even easier than anyone else. But to me now, it isn't any better way for me to stay sober than this. I know that trust is so hard to earn from those you promise to. 

Whenever you think you are in control, you are obviously fucked up. Just from years of doing it. I am never am happier than I am now. Your life is worth the few months of recovery for your substance abuse problem. Whether you are 15 or 50, substance abuse will not go away on its own. It is a life long recovery. 

2 comments:

  1. A stronger self-discipline perhaps.

    That's one thing that we'll need to unleash from the inner-self.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yeah. somehow it is in some way. But the thing that drives you wanna be discipline is the key. I guess everyone just has that. whether is a thing or person. But in any other way, what is best for me at this point, I know that promise I gave to my mom is something I need not wanna break it.

    ReplyDelete

 

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Live to love and love to live. The motto that I held on my entire life. Just a regular guy who loves what I am passionate in life. A song writer and producer. Living life on the move. From Malaysia to The States, New Zealand to Singapore. With the companion of great people in life. In and out from the music industry. Taking everything one step at a time. 
Eric believe what Eric says~ Cuz Eric is God~