I did three months in the hospital straight, and four rounds of chemo. That put me to the test; I have never been so afraid in my life. Needless to say, it was very emotionally challenging and physically demanding. I don't need to tell anyone who has gone through this what it’s like. Without help from my friends, family, and fantastic nurses and doctors, I would not of made it. These people gave me strength I did not know I had.
I wanted a new start. I wanted to have a new place to fight this war. To cut the story short, I wasn't a goodie two shoe kinda kid when I was doing my Masters in Berklee College of Music in Boston. My grades were exceptional, cuz I know music is part of me. I was top of my year. But, I wasn't those kids who goes by the rule book. Besides my music, I have no direction at all in life. I was heavily abusing drugs, and living a life that seeing it passing through. But I was blessed. I will just name him SY. He was my only source to keep me sober. And with everything that had happen, I was kinda giving up when my bad days were more than my good days.
SY came up one day and told me that let's us move. Leave Boston and start new. My career just started to soar that time. it was in 2008 when he suggest we move out from the states. I can still do my music by focusing just being a writer than a producer. It kinda bought me over somehow as starting new and fighting this war somewhere new.
If I was honest about that period of time, I kinda gave up on fighting cancer. I gave in. I was just somehow waiting for time to come. I didn't wanna do anything else more. Somehow, that was a big mistake I made that I am now paying the cost of my decision that time. My lifestyle wasn't what I was suppose to live. I just let it be. Maybe leaving was a good choice after all. And New Zealand was the pick. Before we went over, I took a short trip back to Malaysia to spend some time with my family.
It was early autumn when I arrive in Auckland. It was refreshing, and it was calming to me. I get to start everything new here. No one knew I was a cancer patient. No one knew much about who I was. It was really a good start for me. The only thing that was hard was visiting the hospital from time to time. I was living with Mark and Fiona that time. I really didn't want anyone to see me differently. I have to come up with excuses that I was heading for 2 weeks holiday or sometimes longer. It wasn't easy but somehow, the not knowing made me feel a little easier to go on with everything.
I was working with Telstraclear a few months after I arrive in Auckland. It was one of the most amazing thing that had happen to me. That time, Eugene was still around. I remembered knowing this awesome soul Dorothy. She is from Malaysia too. Honestly, she is just inspirational. I could be as crazy as I wanted when I am around her. She honestly helped me a lot in ways that no one could ever imagine. From work to things in life. Well, if you were reading this girl! A BIG SHOUT OUT TO YOU! Thank you for everything!!! I know there are a lot more people I gotta thank here. Everyone of you plays a significant part of my life. Making it easier. Especially when I lost Laine. Without you, I will never ever make it through that period.
Well, life is a mystical thing. We can't never predict what will happen next. Somehow, when good things happen, the bad will balance it up. But the bad seems to have it's way, the good will fight back. My good days were more compare to the bad ones. Life started to be a lot easier. Until September comes. Somehow, the cancer has spread to my liver. Chemo is due. I check-in to Auckland Radiation Oncology near Mountain Road, Epsom. Not for from where I was living. I was still feeling alright that time. It was not until they handed me the paperwork of the chemo when I was in my hospital room that it really sank in. Seeing it on paper made it very real. I had my first break down in New Zealand, I cried for the first time in years, lost my breath in a downright sob. I felt very alone at that time, yet something happened I will never forget. The women visiting her husband in the same room pulled open the curtains came running towards me and embraced me in a hug. She had tears in her eyes saying, "You are never alone, we are family now and in this together." This random act of kindness will be with me for the rest of my life. This women I had never spoken to called me family, hugged me, cried for me, and lifted my spirits more then I could have ever asked for. The kindness of strangers.
Somehow life still was treating me good. No matter how bad when things can be, somehow it will always be a blessing somehow. When I left New Zealand after that, I was a totally new person. I somehow realize, with what I am facing, I should start giving back the kindness to many out there that didn't have it. I didn't know who the hell was she when she came over and hugged me. But that gives me strength to keep fighting on. It gave me a new meaning on how to live my life... A big part of me come to accept what and how cancer has changed me through out this years. Why I still believe in every bad, there is still good left in every single person.
But somehow, when you have a little too much of good, I started to take life for-granted yet again. That happen when I move back to Malaysia and to Singapore. Well, I guess I will have to continue that on my next part when I move back to Kuala Lumpur and to Singapore later. I wouldn't say I am proud of what had happen during that next 2 years back then. It was really one of my darkest moment in life. Living at the edge of everything. But well, I guess it is enough for now. Shall continue on the next chapter then.
With much love,
Live Today With My All
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