The Past

All of us has our own past. But how much our past do influence us on this very day. It's Valentines today, and I am spending it alone. Well, it is just another day right? Not that I am complaining. Anyway, bavk to the topic. I don't know about others, but I do know my past does play a big part of my life today. 

I recently had a dream. I can't really remember until I was talking to my bestie. I haven't dreamed about Baby J much since I guess 2-3 years ago. We bumped into each other, and all we could say was just a simple "Hi". The feeling wasn't uneasy, it was just... Weirdly numb. We sat opposite each other, and there wasn't any exchange of words. It was just.. Peaceful. 

Peaceful isn't a good or a bad thing. I don't know what will really happen if this was reality. It was a long time, and we both moved on. We never kept in touch. Mainly it was just me. I couldn't really take what have I done in the past. There is no doubt I really loved him and I know he did too. Just that I didn't know how to really love him. I was a jerk to him, in the worst ways. It took me years to learned that I was at fault. To admit what have I done to him. 

But the weird thing about our past, when we finally accepted the truth of how we were at that time, you learned that there are so much more in this world we are able to experience and learn from. Without that relationship, I will never learn how to really love a person. It took me years to learn how to accept others for who they are. Their flaws are beauty in your eyes, their presents calms the entire world around you, and their kiss would just shut the world down. 

Without him, I would never know the downfall of our marriage was me. I learned a lot of things the hard way. But do I regret about it? I don't really think so. Cause I know, without all these, I would never be as happy as I would have been right now. There will always be zone memories that are surreal and moments you have flash backs. He really loved me. I was just too dumb to see and letting my desires blinds me. The only regret I have was I doubted that love and lied in his face. 

Looking back the past few years, I really can't say how would've I survived all that madness I put myself into. But hey, I did. I found love again, and I picked myself up. I had my own way of closure to my past in May 2012 and I took a step forward. I don't know if baby J would've known, but it doesn't matter anymore anyway. He mould me into who I am today, and I am grateful for that.