Chapter V : A New Start - Part 2

Well, I am not gonna go into details on what really was going on with my life at this point. I guess I have mention it in many of my past post. For some reasons, this period was really tough in some ways. With my personal life crumble, I gave in to depression. I was admitted to psychiatric ward in Kuala Lumpur General Hospital for 4 days. I stop responding to all the meds. I was at a point of giving up totally when everything was a mess. My life was a mess. It was hard for me and my family. But at that point, I really didn't care much at all. 

The whole journey for me fighting cancer wasn't at all a consistent one. I stood strong to fight one moment, I fell and gave in to it. But somehow, I have to say, this whole journey really help me a lot. Especially in my career. As most of you will know, I’ve lived my life to music. I have a song for everything and I express myself best through music. It’s been such an important part of my life and I’ve never heard a quote so true as the one I have tattooed on my foot – “When Words Fail, Music Speaks”

Being an artist ( As in artist artist. Not celebrity kinda artist ) Expression is one of things that I feed on daily. Everything I feel were convey through my music. As much as I could deny this, but the truth is cancer really bring out everything I have to the table. Being back here in KL to Singapore and again in KL. this whole period was about 2 years. And the fact is I was fragile when I thought I was strong. It’s time for the progression assessment… I get to go through all the initial tests, all over again. We’ll be able to see from these, after a considerable wait for test results of course, whether and how rapidly the cancer has progressed, if and how far it has spread, if and how the chemoradiation has worked and finally, a new prognosis. I’m really nervous about these results, in fact, I’m terrified. I’ve tried to stop myself of thinking about it too much, but at the same time, I’m trying to prepare myself for whatever happens. At this point, I’m not incredibly enthusiastic about having more chemoradiation but, you never know… I honestly can’t tell how I’ll react to whatever news I get. It hits me right on my face and I finally realize I need to stop wasting my life. And also a big part was when Mr D came back into my life after so many years. Well, that will be another story.

I finally remember that I have a family and friends that are as traumatized by this as I am and spending time with me is important to them, especially now. It’s important to me too, I love spending time with my family and friends, and I don’t want to interfere with that time. I don’t understand how I can change anything considering that. Decisions are really tough nowadays… how do I decide what I can or can’t do, who I should or shouldn’t make time for? Where I should or shouldn’t go? For me these are impossible questions and at this point, they seem to be adding quite a few kilos to the load I’m carrying.

It helps to know that there are so many people carrying his load with me, walking with me, fighting with me. It’s so inspiring and uplifting and I am so grateful but sometimes, especially lately, my load seems to be getting increasingly heavy and I find myself getting really lonely even though I’m very seldom alone. It’s getting hard to make it through a day and I hate that feeling.

I’m so afraid that I’m going to miss something, I’m terrified that I’m going to run out of time and I’m going to lose out on all the things that I still want to do. There’s a big, wide world out there and I’m so scared that I’m never going to get to see any more of it. Having said that, I know that I have had a wonderful, full life thus far and I am so grateful for the things I have seen and the experiences I have been able to go through. I’m just not done yet, I’m not ready for it to be over yet and so… I have to keep going, as difficult as this is, I have to keep moving.

I don’t think there’s an easy way to handle cancer, I don’t believe that there’s a right or a wrong when it comes to this journey. Cancer does some very strange things to a person, not only physically but mentally and emotionally too. Cancer is confusing; it’ll make you believe that you should be selfish but then attacks you with guilt for not considering everyone else. It motivates you to be positive but then fills your head with morbid, painful and sometimes sickening thoughts. It teaches you something new every day but then makes you question everything you think you know. Most of all, cancer makes you fight… willing or not! You have to fight the disease, you have to fight the side effects that come with it and you have to fight everything and everyone that tries to pull you down, and then, just when you think you’ve dealt with anything and everything it could possibly throw at you, cancer chucks in a curveball and makes you fight against yourself. You have to fight your mind’s urge to give up, let go and just stop. Trust me, that urge is there and it is very, very real. It takes an unspeakable amount of strength to fight that. You have to fight your body’s natural reaction to things like chemotherapy and radiation. Basically, you have to tell your mind and body not to do what comes naturally. Nothing could have prepared me for this fight and something tells me I haven’t seen the half of it yet. You may fall off the wagon now and then, but eventually, when you get hit hard enough, you will wanna keep fighting on. For yourself and also for your family and friends that loves you.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about death… I’m sure that’s quite normal considering I have a disgustingly horrible parasite on board that is quite insistent on taking over my body. I have no doubt that everyone that has been faced with a disease like cancer has thought about it at some point. I don’t believe it makes me negative though and it doesn’t mean that I’m giving up on anything. I suppose it’s just a part of this journey and something that we all, at one time or another, have to consider, face and deal with. I will talk about it in another chapter perhaps on how I wanted my end to be.

Every time we hear about someone passing, we think about their loved ones. We have sympathy for the grief and hurt they feel and we apologize for the fact that they will miss that person. What about the person that has passed though? Do they grieve for the life they left? Do they miss the people they will ever see again? Do they even remember anything or anyone? These are just more questions that no one on earth can honestly answer. Crazy isn’t it.

That being said… the fight goes on and although I change my mind daily about how well I’m handling this, I will keep going, I have to. The journey is far from over and as long as I’m breathing, I’ll be fighting, As long as I’m moving, I’ll be walking. No one ever said this was going to be easy but in the end, it is most definitely going to be worth it! I may not always take the calls, respond to the messages or reply to the mails but I really do appreciate all of them. Sometimes I just really don’t want to talk. Sometimes I just need silence. I do love hearing from you though and I promise, as soon as I’m up to it, I will call you back, respond to your message or reply to your mail, so keep them coming, they mean the world to me.

I apologize if this post has been a little ‘all over the place’, I had so much to say and putting it all together in a way that is even slightly legible has been tough. It’s not easy to deal with so many thoughts and emotions, all hitting me at the same time; it’s even harder to put them all into words and correctly structured sentences. Hopefully you’ll find something of use in here.

Live Today With My All