Streisand Ending My Day

A night that Barbra Streisand's voice singing in the background into my thoughts. What Are You Doing For The Rest Of Your Life kept looping. The beauty in your eyes that kept me from seeing what were the only things that is left right here. Serenading myself with her angelic vocals. Letting it flow in me. It felt good. I am alive.

Carrying upon what I have on my shoulders, I am at a point of numbness. But it was a good thing I suppose. I just didn't really know where I am standing now. Well, we are just human after all. Right here where I stand, it was just like yesterday. Finding that excuse to just feel it is worth being alive. I never felt I fit in to begin with. And I kept asking myself why am I doing this to myself. I never found any answer.

Dino and Cow were the ones who were always there. And before I forget about this, Happy Birthday to my cow. I am glad we talked earlier. You were always the one that held my heart close. I really have no clear path on where my life will be leading to now. Or maybe I never wanted to. I just wanted to get lost in my work and just be safe in that safe haven. So many thoughts all over the place. And I didn't wanna pick them up. Or I was just tired of doing that. Maybe I am... maybe...

You can love someone so much... But you can never love people as much as you can miss them. All the most powerful emotions come from chaos -fear,anger,love- especially love. Love is chaos itself. Think about it! Love makes no sense. It shakes you up and spins you around. And then, eventually , it falls apart. And yet, we fall in love right over again. I call it the eternal beauty of chaos. I thought about him all the time - not so much about Baby J the individual, but rather about the nature of love, and the shock of learning how quickly it could disappear. But this is really an amazing journey. For me at least. And for that, every breath I take is worth it.

I think anyone who opened their heart enough to love without restraint and subsequently were devastated by loss knows that in that moment you are forever changed; a apart of you is no longer whole. Some will never again love with that level of abandon where life is perceived as innocent and the threat of loss seems implausible. Love and loss, therefore, are linked. That loss is all it takes for you to cherish what you may or already have now. And I never regret all that I have loss. Cause I eventually learn to respect love. To cherish, and to be what a man should be. I may regret the way we ended, but I will never regret what we had.

And I will end this post with my favorite novel. I never truly understood this till I found you. And I could finally let it go. 

“This is not a goodbye, my darling, this is a thank you. Thank you for coming into my life and giving me joy, thank you for loving me and receiving my love in return. Thank you for the memories I will cherish forever. But most of all, thank you for showing me that there will come a time when I can eventually let you go.
I love you.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle

Love sees no religion, color, race gender and age. Love is love.