Anybody's Heart

Well, as much as I was hoping to say something different for a change, but nothing I could really update on my condition at the moment. Somehow, coping with it and trying to make peace and live with it. That's all I could actually say for now on that.

Listening back to some old tracks today. Opening up back to my old library, sorta let me facing some emotions that I was going through in life. At least I use to. But what weird was only pop-rock tracks seems to make me felt right. Blasting at top volume with my lil' monster and letting everything flows. Realizing how long it was since I last wrote a pop rock track. It was Never Gone till now. And it was more than 8 months now. 

The rage in me was bottling up which I really didn't realize. I was looking back to how I actually react. As much as I didn't wanna admit, I didn't like my own grandmother a lot. And it wasn't since young. But just few years back. But I didn't notice it till lately how bad that rage affects my own actions. I guess in many levels, I was blasting out everything that I was feeling. But it doesn't make that right either way.

My grandma is suffering from a string of disease  But I guess it was normal at her age of 80. But what really stirs things up is her Alzheimer. I know it isn't her fault to choose to be that way. But I felt that all that bad mouthing about my dad and all kinda push on all the buttons on me to defend. The thing is, she has 3 daughters, and non of them actually did what they could to accompany their old mother. Instead, just the usual occasional phone calls and that's it. And if they were to take care of her, they don't really put in effort to do the best for her. Sometimes, the best thing isn't the things that she wanted. Considering the diabetic and alzheimer. Sigh.. And here I am saying this myself.

I know I should be more patience and be more forgiving. But the idea of her having said about how my dad is to her. That unfairness, that.... and my dad isn't complaining. Forgive... this word... It took me 4 years to learn to forgive myself. And at her age.. and everything she has done for me when I was younger. I should change myself. And this song really made me think of her. Of course initially this song is more to a lovers song. But the heart that I have broken, isn't anybody's heart either. And I should start channeling all these rage and anger into my songs instead of her. I am still learning, and I need to change. Afterall she is still my grandma. 

Sometimes, the world seems like a really painful place but we tend to forget how we can put that little effort to change all those barbs into roses. I am not proud of what I have done, but that doesn't define who I am. I am still learning everyday, and a big part of my heart, still hallow. Well, only one person understood that. 

It's a great big world to a scared little girl

If you smile just right, no one knows

You might have a heart full of pain and a soul that can't reign

And a stomach full of butterflies

All that I wanted was just to feel safe

Safe in your arms

Say you didn't mean to

Say I wouldn't understand

But it's time you say something

God knows it's the one thing I need

And the heart you broke

Know it wasn't just anybody's heart

So I bit my nails and I held my breath

And I said I'm fine, yeah, I did my best

But you can't tell me you never knew the truth

Of all the fear I felt, how I worried about you

And all that I wanted was just to feel safe

Safe in your arms

Say you didn't mean to

Say I wouldn't understand

But it's time you say something

God knows it's the one thing I need

And the heart you broke

Know it wasn't just anybody's heart

I was yours, I was yours

And the heart that you broke

Was devoted and pure

And it wasn't just anybody's heart