寶貝 Baby

不知從那天開始
不知到那一天止
你一直都藏在我心底

I do not know when does it start,

Nor I know when does it stops,

You always hide in a corner of my heart.

時光停在你眼裡
害怕得不敢聲息
我好想住進你的靈魂裡

Time has stop within you eyes,

I am afraid even to take a breath,

I really wish to live within your soul.

輕撫著你的頭 睡吧
我在你夢裡
不管醒在那裡
寶貝
我記得你

Touched your forehead softly, sweet dreams.

I will be in your dreams,

No matter where you will awaken to,

Baby,

I will remember you.

不知從那一天起
再沒有你的消息
這世界忽然間不美麗

Can’t recall from which day hence,

I haven’t any news from you again.

The world is not a beautiful place anymore.

陽光下的我懷念你
等待著你的歸期
我好想投進你的懷抱裡

Missing you under the sun,

Waiting for your return,

I just wish to hide in your arms.

緊握著你的手 睡吧
我在你懷裡
不管醒在那裡
寶貝
我愛著你

Holding your hand, Sweet dreams,

I am in your arms,

No matter where you awaken to,

Baby,

I will love you.

緊握著你的手 睡吧
我在你夢裡
不管何時何地
寶貝
我記得你
我愛著你

Holding your hand, sweet dreams,

I am in your dreams.

No matter where and when,

Baby,

I will remember you.

I will love you.

The Show Must Go On

Leaving the hospital soon and leaving KL tomorrow morning,
I do not know what I am going to face from here.
I took up a big step forward. I put all my courage and text James.
I told him I will be leaving KL tomorrow morning. If he is not too tired and ready to meet me,
I wish to see him. In a way, I really think it is time for me to face reality.

I dare not even think nor expect anything now.
I just really wish to see him. Even thou he may hide up his emotions.
But I need to see him. For a longer journey to go on or even for the last time.
I think I have enough guilt to live with that this point in life.
I would really hope that I can control my emotions well.

I have taken a few chicken essenses and some coke to boost up my sugar level.
I just wanna look good as in healthy and happy for him.
Or maybe this is how I wanted him to remember me.
I should now remind myself. This is the least I owed him.
This is the least I can do for him. I should let him in peace, I should give hiim this very last wish he wants.

I had an offer of work today. As a Senior Portfolio Manager.
Offer was good. It is a wine industry. The funny thing is in so many ways I have met this sweet person.
I believe miracles do happen. Thank you Carl. I will be at my best.
You are such an angel. I never knew meeting you in the same ward would bring such joy to me.
My deepest gratitude to you. I hope you will be well soon too. At least we both have the same goal in life.
To live everyday with our heart.

Date of commercing of work will be confirmed. I will be working my ass off. Just 3 more months.
I will need to help my baby out on this. I appreciate what you have done for me in the past.
But I won't let the purpose of this goes into the drain.
I will keep the dream going on.

Emotional wise, I start to feel numb again. Do not know what is best and where is best to be.
In many ways, I haven't change much on my course in life.
I won't give up living. I won't give up life.
I won't give up on you. Even one day you moved on. But I will be here.
Like I have mention, I won't make the same mistakes I did last four years.

Looking back, Living on hope is much better than living a life meaninglessly.
I would do my very best, following the things I wanted to go on.
Fighting for the things which are worth fighting for.
The show in life will go on. And this time, I do not want centre stage or the spotlight.
All I wish is everything ends well. In anyway life may come by. This is my faith.

I love you very much and I am very sorry for everything I have done.
My faith and hope never change. My dreams and love stays on course.
I am sorry for the previous blog I have written. I didn't meant it.
Yes, I broke down in a way. It was somehow too much to handle at that point.
But being negative is the last I needed now. For my family, my baby, and people who cared about me.
I will have to live on. Loving you by all my own means.

The show must go on.
I will walk out the hospital today with my head tall just like Nicole Kidman walked out of the Moulin Rouge. With pride, with honor. For just one reason. For the people she love.
This is for the longer journey to come.

Tired of Being Sick

I am really tired of being sick. I hate myself why do I have to be this way?
Can't I just be as normal as everyone else?
I don't know why I am feeling so low now. Everything seems to be crashing down.
Of me being like this, I destroyed everything I had.
I really do not know why and what happen to me.
I really hate being this way. For the first time, I really tried so hard to be as positive as I can but I can't do it now.
Why does this have to happen to me? Why in the world I have to go through all this nonsense?
I am not blaming anyone. But I am blaming myself.
Why do I have to do this? Why did I feel so insecure when I have the world?
Why do I have to go through such pain when there are people who are living in this world who doesn't wanna live?
I wanna live for a long time. I wanna grow old with my baby.
I wanna hold him and look at the beach together.
How can I go through such pain? I wanna live oh God. I really do.
Please take away my pain. I wanna be healthy.
I wanna grow old with the one I love.

I really do not know why am I breaking down at the moment I need to be strong.
I look at Elmo, but I really don't know how am I going to get through this.
I feel so sorry inside. I feel so bad in the heart.
But all I can do is hide behind all this words. My family, my baby, my friends who cared,
still want me to live on. But I really do not know where should I go from here.
I feel helpless with the pain, I feel so miserable with my body.
All I want is just to have a decent meal. But I can't help it to puke everytime I do.
In that point of time, I feel like I wanted to eat it all back the food I have consume.
But I can't let myself do so. I am really suffering. But I blame no one as I know I created all this.
I miss you very much baby. I really do. All I wanted is to say sorry to you in person.
I really wish for forgiveness. I can't leave this world holding this regret.
But I can't do a thing to make it better. I am the one who hurt you.
I am the person who drove you far away.
I am the person who love you and brake your heart.
I am really sorry. I know I have to go on. But somehow deep inside there is part of me just wanted to give up.

Looking For My Silver Lining.

The day has come for me to leave the hospital now.
I am just waiting for the time my parent to pick me up.
But somehow, I wasn't anticipating at all.
In many ways, I wondered how are you doing.

I never knew living with guilt is as bad as this.
I find really hard to breath at points in life.
I wish I can overcome this. I wish I could be better.
So much have been striking through my mind.
Every glimpse of our beautiful memory.
Left me wonder why why and why did I ever think of hurting you.
I drove you so far apart. I left you in such deep pain and indirectly,
I put myself in great pain. But who will know?
No one will ever see how both of us be.
We will be as strong as possible when meeting up with family and friends.
But deep down we are crying for salvation, waiting for a silver lining for the both of us.

Many has ask me, since both of your love are so strong, Why wanna let go?
No one is perfect, As long as you are willing to change I think you guys will do fine.
But my answer was,

He put everything in me, and I destroyed it just like that.
He has doubts, Not towards my love, but towards how come I would even hurt him since I loved him so much?
Plus with all other external factors, stress level he is going through.
I can understand why. I owe him this much now. Let him have some peace.

"How about you?" was the next question.

My answer was just simple. What about me? I am good. Left them puzzled.
No matter how much I wish I could get back with you my love,
But I owe you this much peace. I will give you as much space as you want.
I will do what is right to do. I will try my very best to live on.

sigh.. Until now I still do not know why my parents opted for home care now.
There are a lot going through my mind. But I keep on filtering and trying to be as positive as I can.
I am not letting myself even a single second to dare to think about the worst.
I cried. Fearing I would not ever see you again if everything went wrong.
My last memory of you was just I was trying to hold you and you were merely just touching.
But the last time you hug me before we parted. I cried ever harder now.
And remembering the text you have sent me that night.

" I wish you will grow up and face the things you are afraid of. I never doubted you love."

I am facing it now. With loads of regrets. I am merely a coward. Who freak out and being defensive the time you gave me the chance. I lost it all. I lost it all.
Nothing is going to change for now I know. And I know nothing is going to change my love towards you.
Maybe I will also be a past of yours. But you will never be mine.
Somehow I really wish to see you one last time before I leave KL.
I miss you baby. And I really love you every second in my life.
I am still very sorry. But I will do my very best. To live and be a better person.

Kissing Elmo and smiling to start my day.

Standing At Crossroads

No matter how I am trying to tell myself everything is gonna be ok,
I keep on thinking how should I see you.
I really wish to see you in many ways. But Where should I go from here?
There are so much going on now and I know isn't really time for us to deal with our things in hand.
As much as I would deny, I still have the guilt in me.

Baby, how do I wish that you are well and happy.
This is my only concern. I know you will definitely be just fine by seeing everything you are.
But what is inside which I really wanna know. I know you suffer a million time more than me.
How would I have any say to that if I knew.

Standing where I am, I feel like I can't take a step forward or a step back.
I can't lie to my heart how bad it is now. But like I say,
Hope is what I am really doing,
Faith is what I am having,
Dreams is what I am going through,
and Love is what I am living for.

It will really means to the world if I had just to see how you really are.
By all means, if I have to pay for the price of doing so.
I stand on what I have done, repaying all the mistakes I have made.
This is life, this is my destiny.

This is really hard for neither of us.
I will be leaving KL on the 17th morning back to my family.
My time is really really limited. How if God just give me one more time to feel your love,
Be able to love you. Be able to be just by your side in a world where just both of us belong.

I do not know why my family opted for me to go home.
But I know they knew staying here in the hospital will even make me feel worst.
Day by day, living through again the memories of the past.
Thank you with my deepest gratitude. I appreciate what you guys are doing for me.

But in many ways, I may not rest,
I need to speed things up with work.
To put my plans on hold is not a big thing.
But if to put your life on hold it is a huge issue to me.
I will not let you bear all the burden yourself.
Even you would push me away in many ways.

I have wasted almost 3 weeks now being sick.
I think I have to fight back. Time is on the go.
I shall not rest, I shall not let this happen to us.
I see my way, I see my path. But non of them are without  you.
I will still hold on till the very end.
Even if you may not choose to let me back in your life.
I know what I want. Reading back on most of my post in 2008.
I was hoping for the right person to appear in my life.
And it has happened to me. For the first time in my life.
I will stand up to what I want. A future that I want.
And everything has you.

Looking at Elmo again, I just smile and say,
Baby, I love you~

Unbearable Cravings.

Today seems fine, it has been raining here non stop.
In many ways, I wish that it would be sunny.
I still miss you baby, Very very much.

Today after my dialysis I will be able to go home on thursday.
Somehow there are a lot of things I have been craving.
I am craving for food for a long long time now.
I miss enjoying food. I miss cooking. I wish this time round I won't throw up after eating.
It is really really suffering.
I miss having burgers, fried chicken, fries, and all those I love.

Seemingly, thinking about this, I miss that time I were to prepare every meal for you.
Thinking about how to balance your intake. Cooking things you love to eat.
Its like a big experiment for me. I miss that a lot.
And I realize how food can bring such joy in you.
I hope one day I will have that chance again if God permits.

Talking about cravings, what are the things that I am craving for?
Food? I can say that is a big part of it. I realize I am 12kg under my normal weight now.
I seriously need to put on more weight to get back where I use to be.
My inner feelings today is going well as far as I know for now.
I am trying to keep as positive as possible. Hoping in many ways that I will be at least peak at you somewhere when you are back here in KL.
All I would ask for now is just a glimpse at you to know you are well.

Why not meet you in person if that is so?
Cause I know, my baby is a person who do control well with his emotions.
And I think I should not disturb anything there at this point.
I know you will look perfectly fine when you see me, the happy and strong person you always be.
But deep down in your eyes, you are just crying as much as I do everyday.

This is the least I could do for you. I am really trying very very hard to be well and get a kick start.
There are so much we both have to deal with now. So many things that I have caused.
Things will go well. After being discharge, I am waiting for Solarwinds offer.
As far as I know, 2 sessions of phone interview I did well.
Will be waiting for one more stage on the phone and the last would be meeting them up.
I hope it will speed things up. I think by the calculations of everything.
I will manage to deal with all of it myself. But how am I able to tell you this?
Of course I would not let you do this by yourself, but somehow,
I really wish you would see me doing this is not because I want forgiveness or whatsoever,
All I really want you to see that I still love you and care for your well being.

When I saw you have a tummy upset, I do not know what to do.
Of course I know you are going to be well, you are a doctor and you know what to do.
Somehow, you are still that baby in my heart. Just that I can't reach out to you this time.
Even thou I really wish I could.

In terms of others, I still wish that you would forgive me one day.
I am really changing to be a better person, a better husband or wife,
I am paying my dues now. Somehow I just wish every night that everything will be ok again one day.
I misses facebook a lot, I miss my friends there. I miss being able to throw my emotions out as I do it here.
But for now, at least I know people who happens to read my blog are random.
And the least, it won't be you reading. In many ways, I really do not want you to feel I am seeking any attention from you or from any others who read this.

Blogging to be is to inspires ones mind and soul.
To share about the mistakes that I have done, sweet memories, loving moments,
and sharing the way of life I have lead. It is not perfect, but I am trying to be better.
I admit that I myself deserve all this pain. Cause I am the person who causes everything.
I started every single thing. And the only thing I am really sorry is hurting you baby.

To the people who read my blog,
Love someone with your heart, never think that sometimes it is for the greater good if you wanna hurt the person you love.
Cause in the end, you will only ended up hurting the one you love and yourself.
As much as I crave for your presents now here with me in the ward,
I know I am in no position to say a thing. I hope. I wish. That is all I can do.
For my love to you, I will keep myself going everyday.
Like I say, to lose this battle is not an option.
This is what is worth fighting for. You love.
Because you are in every single way, worth it.

I crave for you, Baby J~
(Holding Elmo close to me now)

The Longest Time Ever

It has been the longest time ever since you have called.
The last time I hear your voice was 4th July 6.40pm. 
Hearing to your voice means so much to me. Eventhing seems so calm when I hear your voice.
In a moment there, I wish to tell you how much I've missed you and how can I ever think of letting you go last time. I was stuupid. I was naive.
But I didn't became smarter. When you told me you will visit me on friday.
I am so scare for you to see my current condition.
I am too skinny to be a healthy man. You will not believe me if I tell you I am fine.
But baby, I don't wanna put more pain to you.
I love you.. and I know you loved me very much..
I have to get well, to love you, to carry you, to hold you.
And the utmost, I have to take all your pain away from you.Those that I have caused.
I am really really sorry and the guilt in me is really killing me in every second of my life.
Baby, I really love you. But I will be well soon.

After your called, I am just looking at Elmo with the word "Baby J" on the label,
Holding it close to me, againts my heart, Baby, I don't know what I can do to let you have some peace.
I don't wanna lie anymore. I don't wanna hurt you anymore.
Baby, how can I do so? I have already given you a hell lot of trouble.
The least is I owe you some peace and love.
I really do not know what is the right thing to do.
Someone please help me. God, Help me, show me how should I love someone who love me so much.
Hiding behind all these words is not helping at all.
I keep on blogging here cause I know this is a place he will never reach to see.
I let everything out and I let it flows here, and I know I have a battle to fight.
After that there is still a long long way to go.

Baby, I meant my birthday wishes to you which I have written in korean.
This journey will be long, and hand in hand we will go through all this. It is just a phrase.
I know it is. I love you with everything I have.
I am also human, I made mistakes, and I am learning from it.
I am not asking you to forgive me now baby, but I just want you to know,
If I ever say I am not wishing for a second chance, I am lying.
Cause I know I love you and I do not wanna lose you.
I am very scared at this point in life, but you are one of my sources of strength for me to keep it going on.
Besides my family, you will be the only person I wanna spend my life with. God knows what will be for us ahead, but I know I will always be yours faithfully.

I really wish to see you now baby, but I really do not have the courage to let you see me this way.
I am really trying my best to be well, but I can't control my body.
Baby, I am really happy that you called me, but I am really sorry that I blew up my chance to even talk to you more. I miss you very very much. This is the first ever blog I have written from the beginning till the end, my tears were flowing out. I love you very much and I am really sorry for everything that I have done.

Baby, would you ever forgive me?

Baby J and me~

Leona Lewis - Footprints in the sand

You walked with me
Footprints in the sand
And helped me understand
Where I'm going

You walked with me
When I was all alone
With so much unknown
Along the way
Then I heard you say

I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow
And despair
I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

I see my life
Flash across the sky
So many times have I
Been so afraid

And just when I
Have thought I'd lost my way
You gave me strength to carry on
That's when I heard you say

I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow
And despair
I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

When I'm weary
Well, I know you've been there
And I can feel you when you say

I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled with sadness
And despair
I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

Prologue

This is a song I can relate to you my love.
And the least I can do is just to do the same.
After treatments today, I see my parent eyes were shining with tears.
I really do not know what else I can do.
Besides getting well. But if I would lost this battle,
Baby, I want you to know, even you can't see me or feel me,
But I will always be there, I'll carry you when you need a friend, lover, husband or wife.
I am so sorry for everything. I am changing. If God permits to let me show you.
The love I will repay you with. I love you in so many ways.
But I dare not even take up the phone to call you.
I'm so afraid to hear you being cold, and hold up all your emotions.
I love you baby. But this is a battle I have to fight by my own.

You will find my footprints in the sand walking side by side with you.
I hope I could give you strength when your heart is filled with sorrows and despairs.
No matter where I may be. I love you very much my James, my baby.

Leona Lewis - Run

I somehow came across this beautiful song.
As for the beautiful lyrics, it says all how I feel at this very moment~
I wanted to share with everyone...

:: Run - Lyrics ::

I'll sing it one last time for you

Then we really have to go

You've been the only thing that's right

In all I've done

And I can barely look at you

But every single time I do

I know we'll make it anywhere

Away from here

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

To think I might not see those eyes

Makes it so hard not to cry

And as we say our long goodbyes

I nearly do

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder

And we'll run for our lives

I can hardly speak I understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say

Choose to Hide Behind Words

As much as I wanted to know your ongoings,
I know deep down you are trying not to think about me.
I know that all the pain I have put you through, I am in no position at all to even ask,
"Baby, how are you?"

Seeing you posting club hits, with words like "Fuck'em all"
I do not know what should I do or say.
Baby, I made a mistake in life. I know that it is unforgivable,
But my heart stays true to you.
The pain in my heart is nothing near to any of my physical pain.
And my pain is nothing near to yours.

Living with regrets in life, isn't that easy.
This goes to everyone out there.
I learned from my mistakes, I learned from my pain, I learned from causing you pain.
Everything will past... even me...

For now, I know I can't lose my battle with cancer.
If I have to go, you will even live with greater pain than ever.
This is not what and how I should repay for your love.
I will have to fight till the very end. Losing is not an option,
Because of a simple phrase,

"I love you baby"

To be with you is the best thing that have ever happen to me.
I guess this is the best way for you not to know my condition.
I owe you a life, I owe you peace...
This is what I can do. I will keep on blogging till the very end..
This is the only place I know you won't see what am I going through..

As for now, I feel like going through chemo and dialysis isn't anything anymore.
What is pain? Life is Suffering. No matter what, I DESERVE every bit I am going through now.
The only regret is, I hurt you in the way no one has ever done.
I am sorry~

"Live to love and Love to live"

I hope one day you will remember me as the "bitchy" husband you always had.
Baby, I will love you no matter what happens..
Every moment that I am suffering from the pain.
I accepted it as I created all this pain to myself~

Apologize

Wondered if there would be any point...

consider what i’ve put you through..
even though you’ve always been there for me..
and you mean so much to me..

I’ve somehow managed to break your heart.
As if you haven’t already been though enough pain
I wanted to be the one you look up to.
But I realise Im not suited for that part.

I can imagine you feeling right now.
People I loved had treated me badly.
Left me wondering what I did wrong.
It was always my fault,
But you’ve done nothing wrong.
And I wish I could take back what I’ve done.
Let you know that i still love you.
But someone Like me can’t offer what you need,
What you deserve.. But I really love you and wish could take away your pain.
I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. 

 

I'm learning to be better,

The love you have shown is much greater than anything I have seen and feel.

But if you would forgive me one day~

Please look back at me. 

I will be only standing here waiting for you to give me a second chance to be your wedded husband.

I will always love you my love.

 

Hope, Faith, Dreams and Love

This is the four elements that have builded up our relationship.
I may seemingly stupid at times. I broke your trust. I have hurt you.
In many ways, I am still hoping for one things.
Just to have a look at you.

I just finish my third chemo session.
And reflecting on what I wanted at this very first stage.
I am so stupid of even thinking of letting you go.
Going through this alone now seemingly alright but deep down,
Who really see the pain? Your pain? My pain?
Does it really matters now?

I have to get well, I have to go through this.
Cuz I know if I lost my bettle with cancer,
This time the pain that I have caused you will be really unforgivable.
But why am I still feeling so weak?

God, I need a way, would you show me?
I misses James more than ever?
I dare not even call him now as I know my voice would even stir up more harm to him listening to the person he loves suffers in pain.
I look at my phone from time to time,
Hoping for him to call but do I have the courage to answer?
The answer is NO~ Why am I at such contradicting point in life?

I wish that I would never hurt you in this way.
Yet I know it is impossible for me to take back what I have done.
Baby, I am really really sorry~
Besides this, I really do not know what else I can do to make it right.
I love you very much and as much as I needed you now,
I can understand what you are going through.
All I can do is waiting for you to see me in my eyes again~
To see that how sorry I am and wishing to make up everything to you.
To have you in my arms again and hold you tight and never hurt you ever again.
I am really really sorry for everything.
I will fight to live.. For you, For my family, For myself and for our future if you would permit me to love you again~ I really do~

For our Hope, Dream, Faith and Love~

Reply From James~

James Loo July 9 at 11:33pm

u r right baby, at this point of time, it's good for us to remain this way, it's painful everyday, every minute every second. i just dun wanna think of anything now but to focus on clearing the debt and my exam. i wish that i could pass and start doin call soon. i dun wanna think and i dun wanna worry....i need to stop torturing myself...

please take good care of urself there... at least i dun have to worry bout u... 

As for now, I really do not know how to react to this reply.

Baby, I am really not well now. I can understand you pain.

I feel your pain too. I am in pain as well.

But I am also scared. My body may not take it.

I am really fighting so hard now baby.

I know if I lost the fight now, I will even put more pain in your life.

I have to get well... ...  but how... ...

Cuz I think I gave you enough pain in life.

I really wish I am able to do so.

I won't let you worry. I won't say a single word.

Lying in the ward now even makes me feel worst than ever.

How am I going to go thru this.

Baby, I love you but I do not know how to let your pain go away.

I wish I am able to take it all away now, or even have your pain in mine.

But I really don'y know where I should go from here.

Reading this reply just feels like there isn't anymore air to breath.

I lost you... ... But I know I will still hold on on our love...

Cuz this is the reason I am fighting to live.

I am very weak today. But I am still fighting. 

I really wished that you were here now.

And I just wanna ask for forgiveness from you.

At least if I have to leave the world, I know I will go in peace.

But till today, the pain I am going through is greater than anything else.

I know nothing would comes near to a heartache.

I indeed have hurt you so badly, I regretted it.

I wish the pain would go away... In you and in me...

Maybe one day... ... soon... ... 

But I know till the day I lost the battle with cancer... ...

That is the moment I will let go. If it isn't so, I will still

Hold on~

 

Letter to James

Baby~ I know I m not in any position to say anything.
I regretted everything that I have done. I regretted putting you in so much pain. All the pain I am facing now is all i deserved.
Somehow I really wish for forgiveness.

I do not know what else I can do. I have been refreshing you page again and again every moment just wish for some news to you.
I will take this as my punishment. And now, I really feel how you felt when Nic left you. And for the first time truely, I am sorry for that too.

Baby, I am really begging you. Dun stop everything here. please give me a second chance to love you back. I know now nothing will change anything. But please don't give up just yet. I still love you very much and I really do not know how am I going to go everyday ahead. I know you will not let me near you now. You will not let me in your life at this point in life. I am not requesting anything. I just can't see myself stop loving you.

I really have nothing when I dun have you. But what keeps me moving everyday is jus knowing how much you love me. Maybe this will take months or even years or even a life time. I will be where I am. When you are able to forgive me and love me back again. I just want you to know where I will be waiting.

Please do not reply and you need not say anything. I know how much stress you are in now with everything in hand. But all I want you to know is I am not giving you up and I think its time for me to step up in your position to make things right. I will do my part without wanting you to do anything.

Baby, I am really sorry how you have been for these past few weeks but I am changing to be the better. At least to be a better person in life. And nothing will change my love towards you. I love you very much. And I know this is the way I am heading. I really can't be in that way not loving you and giving up everything just like this. I am not perfect. I made mistakes and I am willing to change.

Until there isn't anymore in life, that is the time I will totally let go.
I love you very much and I am sorry for all my wrong doings. I only have the necklace you left in my wallet. that is the only thing I have that I can feel I am close to you. Baby.. I really meant everything I say this time. I am paying my dues now.. All I am asking is please give me a second shot for our future that we have dreamed of.

You are still my everything. Even your friends now may not approve of me but nothing can stop me to continue loving you.
I really do baby~ Take good care of yourself. Last time in this mail. I love you very much~

Certain and Uncertainties

Since you are gone baby, I have been asking a lot of questions to myself.
So many Questions with Answers, and many more Unanswered.
Even our love is so strong. But it seems I can't really know what to do.
I know at this moment, flashes of memories keep going through my mind.
I know you are definately not well too there.
But what can I do? How can I go and show you my love again?
I really wish that things will be ok in many ways for you.

Living a life without you now is really not easy,
My emotions goes up and down. And I really do not know how to deal with this.
I still feel the pain that I put you in and indirectly the pain lives within me.
I would love you more and more by time goes by.
But somehow I wanted you to know I miss you as much as you do.

I wish to have news from you to know you are well there.
But the answer for this is     -UNCERTAIN

I wish to have your care and love again.
But the answer for this is     -UNCERTAIN

I wish at this point I am by your side walking you through this tough period you are facing.
But the answer for this is     -UNCERTAIN

I wish I can still love you as you happily wedded husband.
But the answer for this is     -UNCERTAIN

Are we still married or everything has ended.
But the answer for this is     -UNCERTAIN

Then what are the things which is certain?

I still love you and misses you every moment in life.
The answer for this is       -CERTAIN


Do you still love me and misses me as much.
The answer for this is       -CERTAIN


Are you still in pain and confused and keep on asking why? why? why?
The answer for this is       -CERTAIN


Deep in you, you are still struggling and still do not know where our course may lead.
The answer for this is       -CERTAIN



At this point in life. How am I going to take a step ahead to just tell you I wanna love you even more now?
I am the one who put you in such pain. I am the one who left you in so much miseries~
Should I let you go?
But the answer of this is     -UNCERTAIN or CERTAIN

 I can't do this anymore.. I really do not know how and what to do.
But the only thing I am sure is I really regretted hurting you and I am very sure I still love you very very much~


God, I need guidance~ Please show me where shall I go from here.
Part of me really wanted to give up my treatments. I do not wanna go through anymore pain.
And talking about pain, Nothing is more painful when the heart is hurt~

Baby~ I love you~ But I do not know what to do from here~

Emotion Over Flowed

Checked into ward B16 bed 02

Suddenly there are a lot of emotions flowing through me.

Back to a year ago at the same hospital in the same ward.

I was here waiting for someone to come who never came.

And now, part of me wanting someone to be here but I drove him away.

Flashing back at the same moment, same feeling arise.

I really hate being here. I have been refreshing your facebook homepage again and again.

But nothing new was there. What was I hoping for?

Your Forgiveness? or your Love~

I am puzzled. I really somehow would hope you would forgive me.

I really do not hope to bring my guilt if I have to leave..

What am I thinking??? I am not going to leave.

I am going to keep on loving you till the very end.

Baby~ I am really sorry for everything~

But why am I feeling so weak? Lost of determination? or lost of hope?

I view through the email you last send me this morning.

Only 5 words.

I love you... very much~

What am I doing now? I know you still love me.

But I do not know the course that will lead us.

And now, even there are a lot to deal with,

I somehow even lost the support from your friends.

They would not approve me to love you anymore.

 But baby~ I really do not know about anything anymore.

The only thing I am sure is I really love you and I really do not hope to let you just go~

For what we have been through. What we have build. 

Can't our love overcome all this?

Lying back down on the pillow, I started thinking. 

Am I even have the rights to say all this?

No~ I do not deserve this. I shud be banish.

But somehow deep down I am still screaming for you to just stay here.

I really really need you now baby to walk me through this period.

But I can't say anything... All I can do is keep on refreshing on your facebook page hoping for something new.

Hoping for news. I really miss you very much baby~

If I could, I really wish to turn back time and have the courage to admit everything to you.

Or even not to even hurt you at the start.

I really wish that all this guilt would have jus flush away.

Filled myself and you with just the love we shared..

I am simply just very 

Lost~ 

If no one will listen Kelly Clarkson

This is a song now I can really relate to~
With the inner feeling I have for someone I love.
Even thou I know it is a bit too late,
But I will never stop loving you~

This is a promise, to myself. and just to show how much I love you.
I really wish one day when you look back~
I will be here still~

Knowing

Knowing at this point, it hasn't really reach to a point where I would lost of hope.
Not that hoping you will still come back to me.
But knowing that you still love me and gives me the strength in life.
The hope to keep on going in life.

In many ways, it seems very blurred now in life.
But everything must go on.
I know I have to get well in order to pay my dues.
I will not live in regret anymore in life.

Loving you is not just a love I think everyone would have.
Our love has built up to a way that no one could ever imagine that.
It is not just a relationship. It is a marriage.
Of two souls. Bring together in pain and to show affectionate.

My new life will begin soon. Without you this time.
I really would wish that everyday I would be able to wake up and see you smile, greeting me "Morning Baby"
In every single day now in my life, I will not stop loving you.
Instead I will love you even more. day by day, repaying all my mistakes.
I wish that one day, you would see what I am willing to do for our love.

Even I say that I am not hoping it will be a total lie..

Yes, I really hope we have a second shot to our future~

Baby, I love you.. very much~

I hurt the person I love and I hurt myself

it has been a while since I was here.
In many ways, I really thought that I would never come back here and pour everything out.
But for now, i have no where to go.

Because of my insecurities, my fears. I have destroyed the love of my life.
I hurt the person who I love the most in the world.
Having all the guilt here. I am wondering is there anything I could turn back time.
You have love me with your all. And yet now I am thinking, what was I really fearing of?
What was all the insecurities about?

I know human made mistakes. But at this point,
the regret that I am holding will sooner or later kill me.
You walk me out of my pain, you walk me out of my health,
and now, I made you walk out of my life.

I regret every step that I have taken.
I have no say at all to ask you to stay.
But all I can do this time to be true to myself,
is just keep on loving you.
I will be where I am waiting for you.
Even it takes a life time. Even I know you will never come.

This lyrics below really reflects how I really feel now~
I am going through a very tough period of time,
But with this I know what will be my will to live on.
What is the purpose I have in life.

Baby, I will keep on loving.

If No One Will Listen

Maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears
And so you fight to keep from pouring out
But what if you unlock the gate that keeps your secret soul
Do you think that there's enough you might drown

If No One Will Listen, if you decide to speak
If no one is left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you for what you really are
I will be here still

No one can take you where you alone must go
There's no telling what you will find there
And God, I know the fear that eats away at your bones
It's screaming every step, "just stay here"

If you find your fists are raw and red
From beating yourself down
If your legs have given out under the weight
If you find you've been settling for a world of gray
So you wouldn't have to face down your own hate

If no one will listen, if you decide to speak
If no one is left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you for what you really are
I will be here still

A trip never to be forgotten~~~

Sorry haven't really been posting anything here~ I am back now and this is the least I can Share with all of you guys here~~ This is my trip to Vietnam~~ A trip that emotionally, knowledge and culture rich experience~
Just to share this moment, this feeling, these culture~ Every paart and moment been through~ It is one of my best time in my life~ I wrote this day by day~ Just wanna share every feeling I've been through during this trip~ Hope you guys would enjoy as much as I did~

(Ho Chi Minh City, Southern Vietnam)
3rd April 2009
From 12am till 4am~~~ I was rushing to find a camera and packing all my stuff.
It was kinda cool in a way. nearly thought of not going in a way while I nearly gave up on packing all my stuff. But... In another I really wanna go~~~

Elena drove me to LCCT at 5am. Reached there about 6am. Had a shut eye while she was driving.
After check in and stuff~ Had my hash brown at Mcd. Texting all my love ones that i will be leaving soon.

I was kinda frustrated with AirAsia. Damn... everyone seems like wanna get best seats!!!( For christ sakes.. Seats are numbered!!!!) my flight took off at 720am~~ I jus slept all the way.. was too tired!!!

8.55am I landed in Ho Chi Minh City.. Feeling kinda tired~ Damn... no one is queuing up here!!!! Damn!!!! That ticket cost me 100USD!!! and i jus sat at the terminal and sleep!!! (like an idiot.. i know)

About noon Local time I found the buses fare and places to go. Too Bad wasn't enuf time for me to go around. First stop i went to CT Plaza~ OMG@@!@!#!#%#@!$#%!@# No one knows what is McD!!!!
KFC sucks here~~ It is sour!!!!

Left at 3pm~ It started to rain and i am damn sleepy again~~~
Took a bus to Thien Hao Temple! Looks very old~~ lol.. i still like KL Thien Hou Gong~

At 4pm I start to feel bored~ Went online. Yay!!! Bae & my 2 sai lou also online!!
Dunno why feel like bae is down or something~ Anyway hope I was there to cheer u up with my stupid face! My sai lou is missing his ex too... Common... u can overcome this... I know it takes time... there are many more gurls out there for you... tai lou support u always!!! andother one feeling troubled too.... but both of you are such wonderful people... Hugss
( missing my BebE sister!!!!)

6.00pm Dong Khoi Street
it is jus like our petaling street. But more weird stuff there... So far I loved it so much... Vietnam is not that bad~ But ppl just don't queue up!!!! (uncivilized)

7pm Sitting at the shops here having my vietnamese Burger!! Consist of Salami, " Char Siew " Cheese and lettuce with friend onion!!! weird but really nice~~~ But... thinking of you again :-( lol... but having fun!!!!

930pm I am confused!!! Should I go online or should i not???? Lol... this is so stupid!@!!!

1030pm I went back to the station taking the bus back to airport!!!

End of Day one!!! More to come... Lol...
So far I am having Fun in Ho Chi Minh. Can't wait for Hanoi tomolo!!!!

Checking in at 5am... Back in terminal at 1145pm.. slept at the chairs...

C you guys soon!!!!



( Hanoi, Northern Vietnam )
4th April 2009

*Prelude*
At 4am in the morning, I was awaken by a sms~ It just brought a smile to me~
Today, a series of weird things happened. I wasn't as excited as I was as yesterday. At this moment writing this, I sort of feeling the pain of others going thru DEATH~~~ I see someone who is dying on the road. Yet no one is there to help~ Everyone was jus standing there looking at the guy. lying lifelessly on the ground. I was really trying to hold back all my tears... Many memories relived at this moment~

I have loads to write at first, But now it seems like everything doesn't really matters anymore.
I was feeling that person mom or dad waiting at home. Or his wife or girlfriend waiting somewhere to meet him~~ or worst, his kids at home~~~ I really dunno what to say.. this is a nice city. Yet this incident sort of strike me. On the awareness... How can there be such thing happened?

I wouldn't want my parents or my loved ones to wait for me~
In many ways~~ I am really confused~~~
Dunno what is right to do or what is wrong to do~~~
I really dunno how to put it in words on how those ppl will feel, I really dunno what to do now.
God, Please take my hand... show me the way...

A lot of things in this world i must agree that is more painful than death~~~

I will never let anyone i love to go thru this phrase~~~
The story for today will be updated in a few days time. I really wanna find that kinda feeling of excitment and joy~
Even I do not know that person who is struggling for his life, but i really feel you.
I can't bear to see you in pain or your family~
I know what is like losing a family member or love ones~~
God, help this world to be a better place~~~

P/S~
I hope you are well, your family member are ok. I still believe you are alive~

(Sapa, Northern Vietnam)
4th April 2009

Hanoi is a wonderful place to see. Colorful yet a place where there is in need of serious civilization.
What basically happen to us here is just a series of bad experience. First we both got cheated... or in better word to describe is we both are being robbed!! By ladies who is selling pineapples.
This sucks~~~ The jus put the basket and hat on us and wanting money from us.

Secondly was the accident we saw earlier where no one is able to do anything.

Anyway that is not the point. We had a quiet dinner and went back to the lodge to rest. At 730pm we both were sent to the train station. We had an 8 hour trip on the train. It was kinda ok. Had a good rest. We reach Lao Cai around 530am and the bus took us to Sapa. A long and wonderful trip.very wonderful. I hope my brother was with me here. He would love all the sights here. Anyway will write more about Sapa later that is for day 3. Lol...

OMG~~ I just love the weather here. It is just wonderful~~

Missing everyone back there.

Today we reach Lao Chai town about 530am. I had a good night sleep on the train with 2 Aussie gurls.
Jenny and Anita(both from Melbourne). Talk about Suki a lot.. Lol... Dear... you owe me managing fee.. Lol...

Anyway once there we waited for the pick ups.
Had a long journey on a van. very very beautiful place.

This is totally out of my expectation. I guess after this trip,I've learn so much~~ I think for Malaysian who had the chance to come here. There are so much to learn, to feel, to embrace and to blend. I guess we have to be more contempt on what we have. I will upload the pictures soon and you will know what am I trying to convey.

We were here at the hotel,checked in and everything. We had a local as our tour guide. An aborigines and her name is "pheng".

She took us to "cat cat" village. It is wet!!!!!!! It was raining so heavily. We both got our shoe soaking WET!!!! But luckily there is a laundry that dry shoes... Its only 30000 Doong so its about like 3bucks in Ringgit.

It was quiet ok there at the village.Nothing much but cute pigs and doggys... lol...
we went back to our room and took our bath... freshen up ourselves...

We went to Sapa Market after that. It was quite nice.Things are really different. I went to church to pray as told by Se Young~~~ That is something between me n Him so I'm not gonna write it here. Lol...

We were hunting for Pringles... Sadly... non of them had it...

We went back to the hotel after that. Had our dinner and we decided to head back to bed. I dunno why suddenly things starts to roll into me. Maybe the night? or maybe just the emotions which is so strong.. I went for a drink with the bartender. had quite a chat... I was missing "you" Hope that everything will be ok. I was having so much in mind and I was really hoping you were here to hold me and tell me things are going to be ok~~~~

Suddenly~~~ You text me~~~ I tot it was time for me to open up to you... I'll be missing you everyday every moment~~~ I hope that things will turn out well for you no matter what happen~~

I head back to the room and I had a good sleep after that!!!

(Sapa, Northern Vietnam)

6th April 2009

As early as 630am I got up and took my hot bath. Still lingering around a bad night i had~ Anyway I thought that What the hell~~~ This is an important trip to me cuz it is part of my life plan to have something memorable~ I wouldn't care much. After I've taken my bath, wake up that bum bum~~~ We took our lovely breakfast~~ Damn, it is spicy... We had noodles.

Then we rent our boot~~~ ( Sorry guys... at this particular moment my brain is not working now~~~ Fucked up by all the honks on the road with a lot of "civilize" people.)

Oh ya.. we went trekking to Muong Hoa Valley.
Meet up with our same cute guide "Pheng"... Today we walk and climb and slide n fall n crawl n jump... and... i dunno wat more... the treks are all passing by rivers, rocks, moutains, "shits" (all kinds of), grasslands, muds, cute XXX ... (up to your imaginations) It was really nice by climbing up and down.. (suki dear.. i guess u would rather die if you are here.. Elena, u must come here... when u return you would be miss world.) Lol.. jus joking... we trek on the small trails going through Yiilinhho Village (Village to the Black H'mong tribe) <- like i know a thing about it..Lol...
The pictures we took is just wonderful... you guys will understand when you look at it.

And one highlights, When the pictures are ready, Guys... Look at what is their living conditions... I guess you guys need to google and look around what we have.. I think we all should jus shut up and stop complaining about life back in Malaysia.

We had our lunch in the Village, Pictures are available soon. We finish up everything. The experience with the black H'mong people life it is just wonderful. They had a strong blend of Thai and chinese culture.

At the end of the treking, we realise something. Our Guide is a pregger!!!! OMG!!!!! I can't believe with all the climbing, running down slopes, and... I am speechless. And it is four months now!!! She is just lovely... We talk about a lot of things like her family, her husband, the other wife, kids... man... and when she sings while walking us to our hotel, That feeling.. mixture of sincerity, hard life, and contempment and inner happiness where she finds even with a hard working life she had.
(anyway i wanna say something.. MAN is vietnam is useless... they jus sit at home, eat, fuck, sleep and drink!!! The ladies are the people who work hard for the family.there are exceptions... but those are minority)

Anyway, we went back to our hotel, took our early dinner and get ready to leave to the train station back to Hanoi. Another whole 8 hours train ride back. On our way to the train station on the bus. Guys... you wouldn't believe it. I Black out!!!! Man... I dunno what is happening either. plus that is another story.

We got a 2015 train... Man... I wish to see Jenny and Anita again.
Hopefully there are no old asian who share our coach together with us.!! And damn I am cursed!!!! 2 old ladies... weird ones... who wanna turn off the air conditioner. really really weird... came into our coach. I was like damn shitty that time.

Suddenly... 2 familiar faces... Jenny and Anita... We were like jumping up and down!!!! Yay.... and the whole night... 4 of us are like crazy cows... closing the lights on the train, knocking on peoples doors. laughing and taking a hell lot of pictures.. ... Guys I am gonna miss you a lot..

Anyway today is a day where my emotions doesn't really swings. May i think the more i miss you the more i am afraid to see you. I hope you are well there. Miss all of you guys back there too... More to come.. Love you guys so much...

P/S About the cute XXX I mention earlier on top. Time to share some nice pic of them. Lol...

( Ha Long Bay North Western Vietnam )

7th April 2009

We reach Hanoi at 5am in the morning~~ The two weird ladies are really annoying!! I wanted to just shout at them and ask them to be more civilize!!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!! Anyway, we parted ways with Jenn and Anita, and really... FUCK ME HARD!!!! I forget to get their email address!!!! All their pictures are with me!!!
I wanna keep in touch with you guys~~Sad d..

Yet... we can't find our pickups at the train station!!! damn... I seriously need a bath!!!!! Frus frus frus~~~ decided to take a cab back to our guest house!
Luckily, someone is there to open the door for us~ We got a room and just took our bath! After having our breakfast, we waited for our so call "Luxury Bus" to get us at the guest house! OMG~~ I dunno how to describe.

But on the other hand, This trip for us to Ha Long Bay is full of Americans... 3 for Washington and 2 New Yorkers~ As usual, we are the only Malaysian~( I seriously think that it is kinda cool being M'sian as everyone seems to be so impressed with the amout of language we can really speak.) LOL...

The bus took like 3.5 hours from Hanoi to Ha Long Bay!!!! damn... this is just... i dunno wat to say... not really torturing~~ But... WORST!!!! Anyway we reached the dock approximately at noon...
OMG!!! Everywhere is selling PRINGLES!!!! lol... We got like 2 bottles... waited for everyone and went on to our so call Junk!( it meant boat here in Vietnam or I jus dunno why... ) lol...

Our room number was 205!!! and before that we we seated at the tables where we have our meals... ( OMG) i was so afraid that the married couples will come over to us... luckily, the new yorkers came to us!! Lol.. Ellen and Gillian~~ OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG~~~They are like so funny!!!! Love them to death!!!!

Ellen was like dare me to climb the ledder on the highest deck on the junk!!! Lol... Ellen, u owe me 1 dollar!! ( i know this sound stupid but we were bored) lol... Gillian was like one of the best imitators u can find~ She is working in China!!! Wonderful~~ She speaks Mandarin!!!

The deck was just a lovely spot~~ Took like a lot of damn funny photos and videos here. We went Kayaking at first!!! Then we went to this weird lime stone cave!!! Looks real but a bit~~~ Lol... use you imaginations guys~~~ We are like IDIOTS in the cave, posing and grabbing pics like a whore!!! Lol.. ( officially we are Cam Whores )

Kayaking was FUN!!! I was being tease being a virgin on that!!!! bleks.. MY GOD !! It is not wrong to be a virgin for kayaking!!!! I was like rowing at the wrong sides... I made Nick crazy... we knock on other boats~~~ Lol... i was having serious fun~~~

After that we went to the beach!!! Lol.. Had the best pictures there... best videos.. Me, Nick, Ellen n Gillian were like chaking our butts everywhere and it was all on video!!! Lol...(dun worry.. U guys will see it soon!!!) the sun set was just beautiful, and i was kinda holding that emotions back. I guess everyone was so having fun~ It was so beautiful till i hope "u" were here to see it with me><

FUCK!!! I forgot!!! Nick , Ellen and Gillian was making me into a women... damn... my butt hurts sitting on that hard rock!!! I dunno what to pose~~ it was so cliche~~~ lol... But everyone had a good laugh~~

Oh ya this one more detail. On the boat, we are not suppose to bring our own liquor on it or if not they will be charging us a fee or some sort like that. Ellen and Gillian are jus Geniuses~~ They manage to buy a bottle of Vodka... Which taste like~~ I dunno... But is was good... They like got it up to the junk and after dinner, we got our own cokes, went up to the deck and started to drink n talk shit!! But I love Gillian's life!!! I wanna be a PORN SELLER!!!! I wish i was like you~~ with all the weird experience!!! love it!!!! anyway, with the liquor and beautiful night skies with all the stars... I still can't resist the feeling of missing " YOU " I walk back to our cabin and whole night wishing u were here to hug me and be with me~~~ Nitez~~~ and i glided into my own dream world~~~~

(Ha Long Bay To Hanoi )
was wake by the rays of lights shine through the window pane. I walk up to the deck alone. I know everyone is still sleeping very soundly at this hour. It was just 5am. the view was so amazing i dunno what shud i say about it. I know you are still in your dreams. I just wish u were here and hugging u in the cold breeze blew on my face.

The view~ Wonderful. Simply speechless~ With the thick mist on the calm sea, Junks stop and floating with the rays of sun.

you will never see this with me i thought in my heart. But maybe this is just best for us. Any further i do think it will just be another disaster in the making. in many ways i hope that you will be well and happy always~ i spend about 1 and a half hour on the quiet deck thinking every thing we have been through so far. Bae~ I missed you so much~

I went back to the room and i fell asleep~~~~

(back to something non emo lol....)

Stupid nick hit me by waking me up!!!!! ( such a loser )

We got up to deck... wow.. its nearly 8 in the morning. everyone is there waiting for our breakie to be served. Lol... but in a way... i know that we are parting ways with the gurls from NYC. (oh... actually from china... LOL...) I was like taking photo non stop of them.. And we actually made a pack to meet up when we are back in Hanoi. They are going to spend another night in Ha Long Bay. We were like nuts on the junk.. I guess we are the only table who finishes all our food. (mom.. I've been a good boy listening to ya. I did not waste my food.. Lol..)

Anyway about 9am, they left on another Junk. we were sitting n lying on the deck. Nick went missing out of a sudden. I went looking for him. I saw him standing there in front of the Junk. Alone. he seems troubled in his mind. I guess he is missing his special someone back home. Nick, I feel what you feel. I really wish to console u but i know at the end of the day it will make u feel much more worst. I went to the back of the deck sitting there alone~ ( that is another story to tell )

Later i went to the front~ Standing there looking at the beauty of the horizon~ The Junk was so slow today. I guess it was just buying some time so we wont be waiting that long after we were on land~
We dock roughly about 11 in the morning. It was crazy!!!! ships are everywhere!!! we went there and found a sit. Hope to rush on our bus earlier to have a better seat as u know both of us has like crazy long legs. It hurts so much!!!!

SUDDENLY!!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!

I saw them again. The cute couple... I was like crazy over them( the cute XXX on my sapa notes)!! lol.. i know i sound like an idiot here. lol.. but it was out of fun. and a but of desperado i guess.. lol... I wanna walk up to say hi.. but.. as usual... my fren nick... was like CONTROL YOURSELF!!!!
sadly... i listen ( i also dunno why i am so obedient ) i just follow!!! Thinking back i now feel i am like an idiot myself! lol...

Anyway we had our lunch and took a long way back to Hanoi. For the first time me n nick wasnt asleep at all. We were sharing about life and what have we beem through so far. It was a good conversation. I am really glad to get to know nick as a person more. I am really impressed with what you have been through. I wish you well for you findings in the future~ If you ever need anything remember i am here to support you till the very end~~~

Perlude~~~
Now thinking back on what I have done on this particular day seems so hard!!! damn.. I really regret by not writing it down now n then. FUCK MY BRAINS HARD!!!

Back to the story. We were back at our guest house around 430pm. Hmmm... more and more people are here. @ hot freaking Chicks from France!!! damn.,.. Sisters... my imagination starts running wild.. Lol.. that is private!! Lol...Groups from HK, and the states. we took our bath and went out walking in the City of Hanoi. Damn... it was really beautiful at night.. we decided to go on KFC... ( I know i complaint about it but it wasn't my call) man...

There is a little story behind KFC. But i guess i better keep quiet about it for now or else I think Nick will chop my head off. Lol.. by the way let me say this out loud!!!!! Nick, u8 r a very good fren. but.. u r a LOSER!!! Lol... anyone wanna know ask him.. Lol..

After that we walk though the city.. looking at the colours and beauty of a culture u will never see in Malaysia. Even it is a bit scary!! lol..

When we went back to the guest house. Things are kinda different. We were using the pc chatting. I got kinda emo at that moment. seems lost... after a while i decided not to continue but went back to the room n i think time to run away from reality ~ For what happens... It will remains only within me~ ~ It was the most memorable night in Vietnam by far~~

9th April 2009

I really don't even know how to start,
I really don't even know how to write.
Sitting here for a few hours I really can't do it~ But i know the show must go on~

Lying on the bed~ Don't even know what to do~ The point of guilt is burning wildly inside of me~
After I text Feebz, My family called~ Lord~ Oh Lord, showing all your kindness to me, and love~ Mom, thanks for everything~ All the pain vanish into the morning breeze~~~

After taking my bath, rush down to have my breakie~~~
Same old, toast and cheese. Today was a not so exciting day~ We are having a day tour around the city~~~ I will show u guys pictures instead of writing~ The whole day i wasn't feeling well~~~

First we went to the former President Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum

It is kinda creepy thou~~~ But to me, the carcass looks really fake~~~ Jus like a wax body~~~

Then we went to the museum and stuff... Below are the pics.

I was all in pain through out the trip in the morning~
Maybe i ate something wrong~? Or... ( I am MAD)
Anyway after all those places, we went for the water puppet show which is the highlight!!!!
Video already available in my profile~~~~ Feel free to view~~~~

We went back to our guest house for a rest after that~
I was having a good time thou~ But just don't know why~ Maybe today is about the heat~ It was the worst since we got here~ Took our bath, and we had some rest~ Later in the evening, we went out for dinner~ Looking for Korean food~ Ms Ling ( our host ) direct us to some nice Korean restaurant~ I meant really really nice ones~~ But damn... it wasn't open~ we walk almost 5km. So we decided to walk back to another Korean Restaurant near we had KFC yesterday~

this is the view from the restaurant~ while we were walking towards the restaurant, Ellen & Gillian called us up~~ Man~~ I was like on junks~~ Instant High!!!!

We met up after dinner~~~ walk around bargaining back packs, went for coffee... and best thing is, all four of us bought the same Vietnam t-shirt~~~

it was so cool~~~It was one of the best nights, We talk a lot, took loads of photos, and dance in the restaurant~~~ this is jus wonderful~~~ When we parted~~ All of us holding back our tears~~ We walk back and deep down~~ I know it's my last day of my trip~ I was severely fighting for a hope, a hope that never come~ which is when i was awake It was just the first day in Vietnam~ I don't want difference, I don't wanna face the fact of reality~ I don't want to face the pain~ But like an old saying~ Every good thing has to come to an end~