Chapter IX : Words Can't Speak

Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives meaning to it.

My emotions seem to running away with me today. I’m battling to fight the tears and my heart is full it actually aches. I’m exhausted with emotion and I just have to get it out, it feels as though I am going to explode if I don’t. I have so much to be grateful for, so many blessings. I have to tell you about them, I have to let you know, there are still good, pure people in this world, there are still angels in our lives.

I’ve never really been a person that struggles with words; it’s never been a problem for me to express myself, especially in writing music. I may not be able to say the words sometimes and I tend to seem a bit hard in person but when it comes to putting my feelings down on my music or on paper, I’ve never really had to put much thought into it.

This seems to be yet another thing cancer has changed about me though. I finally got to sit down and read through all the messages, emails, etc and although I had every intention of responding to each and every one, I just haven’t been able to do it. For the first time in my life, I cannot find the words and I simply don’t have the strength to search for them. I cannot believe that there could be so much love, so much support for someone like me. I have spent countless hours trying to figure out what I have done to deserve so much love and support and I can’t find anything great enough to make me worthy of this. I wish that you could see how the tears flow like rivers while I read all the words of support. I wish that I could give you insight into my soul, I believe that only them would you understand how deeply touched I am.

I look at my brothers, at everything they’re doing, the worry on their faces and the love in their eyes and I have to turn away to stop the tears. I have always had a very special relationship with my brothers and they has always been my rock, through everything they have been there and protected me from anything and everything. Ernie has made it his mission to drive the cancer awareness cause and he has put his heart and soul into supporting me. He has always been my hero, my role model and the one person I have always aspired to respect but since my diagnosis I have found a new respect for him, a new love and admiration on a whole new level. I couldn’t do this without you, I wouldn’t want to try. Not a day goes by that I don’t notice and appreciate you, I see your heart and I know your pain, I know how hard you try to be strong for me. I need you to know that you don’t have to be, you just have to stay close to me and we can be weak together. I love you more than words. You inspire me every day and I get so much of my strength from you.

I have the most amazing family. I wish that I could find the words to tell them how grateful I am for them, how much they inspire me and how lost I would be without their love and support. I know how blessed I am and how fortunate I am to have them in my life. Seeing the pain on the faces of the people I love so dearly is so difficult and so motivating at the same time. Knowing how this is affecting my family makes me fight harder and find the strength when I’m weak. I love you all, so much. Thank you for every moment, I will never, ever forget.

To a special someone out there. You are the most amazing gift I have ever received and I would not survive a day without you. Even though you are fighting this battle with me and it is as hard for you as it is for me, you are so strong, you give me so much support and you remind me every day of why I’m fighting so hard. Thank you for keeping me going, for making me smile and for staying by my side. Thank you for crying with me, for me and for wiping my tears. You are the most amazing person I have ever known and you deserve the best. I love you to the moon and back. And also Leo, even you are that far away, you have always been my source of keeping sane. I know this part maybe many won't understand what is going on. But our little "Keping" conversation and making sense into "Bencis" and "Niey". Honestly speaking, I really wouldn't know where I would be without you Leo.

There is a very, very special person, I have mentioned her before but she continues to amaze me and so I must make mention of her again… Kel, you are truly an angel and I will never cease to be amazed at how you have taken me under your wing. You have raised me up and pulled me out of the trenches so many times, without even knowing it. You have inspired me, motivated me and reminded me of everything that is good and pure about this world. You are a legend and I am honored to call you friend. Thank You! Everyone should have a Kelly in their lives, I am so proud to know you and to be touched by you and your voice personally. With your voice and my music, sometimes, I just call it a perfect fit.

The support I’ve received from the American Cancer Foundation goes beyond any support I’ve ever given them. The ACF has been so close to my heart for so long and I’ve always loved the cause, its amazing founders and all the fantastic people who make up the foundation but I never thought I would come to rely so much on them. I’ve seen the ACF message spread so far and wide since my diagnosis and it makes me so proud to think that I inspired some of that. We’ve seen so many new donations, awesome sponsorships and most importantly, people are taking notice, not only of the ACF Foundation but of its cause. I am so proud to be associated with an organisation like this, with people who actually care about the cause they promote. The ACF merchandise is selling at an unbelievable rate and every time I see a someone wearing a ACF T-shirt, my heart melts and the tears flow purely because I know that the proceeds of that piece of clothing have gone to helping someone like me. I am not a ACF ‘employee’ and this is most certainly not a sales pitch, I simply have to tell you about something that is affecting my life, my journey and most definitely assisting in fighting my battle. I would seriously suggest that you have a look at this cause and offer your support.

There are so many things, so many people; I could never mention them all. I’m sure that I don’t even know about half of them. I am so unbelievably grateful for all of them. Thank you to all the people, all over the world who have shared my blog, spread my message, held me up in prayer, researched so much and even shaved their heads to show support, you are all my angels and I love you all so very much. Thank You.

Much Love, Many Tears & a Heart Bursting with Gratitude

Live Today With My ALl.