When It Hits

I suppose these are one of the days when the emotions crash down. I will give myself a pat on the shoulder. I  am slowly learning the way to hold myself together. Or it was just me missing my buds and life back in New York and KL. And out of the blue, I was thinking a lot about baby J. Few more days, and I still remember how that emotion was when you say your goodbye. Till this very day, there is still a hallow in my chest that I got to live through. Don't get me wrong, it just isn't about I am still clinging on him but just there is an answer to it that I never knew. We both we hurt. But you move on easier than me. I know it is lame but I am gonna admit it that it is just part of me that wanted to know why.

I was sitting at Kim Gary Mid Valley when you just say your goodbyes by text. It seems like a closure for you but it isn't for me. I still remember my last words were these exact words.

Do not say hi if we bump into each other. Do not even smile. Just treat me as someone you used to know. 

But you being you, even at that point, your replied inked into my heart

No I will always see you as someone I used to love.

I didn't reply after that. I was young and naive. I was a total train wreak. I did many things that anyone could think of. I let go of everything. I let myself sink. No one understood, no one could get through me. I was in just a transition of destroying myself. But life isn't treating me bad at all. Through the rough journey, An old friend came back into my life. Not one but two. But those were the dark days of mine. Indulging in drugs and  needless to care about what I was actually doing.

I know it may sound stupid to many that I took years for a comeback. Like I say it in my earlier post, I think of you from time to time. But it is a memory just to remember. To many it is a painful memory to keep. But I don't wanna be a coward anymore and I am tired of running. I face my ghost of my past.

Sitting here in the park in a beautiful Autumn's day, feeling the breeze and let myself go back to the dark ages. I use to feel scare whenever all these emotions rolling into me. But not any more. I know Back home, I have a beautiful family to go back to. My big three in the states who loves me without judging any part of me, and my besties in Malaysia. Honestly, I am really blessed to be in a place surrounded with so much love and care.

I don't even know now why am I writing this. Started with a painful past and ended with a beautiful smile. I am really blessed. In so many ways possible. I do not regretting going through all the pain at all. And I know it is not the end of the journey yet but I am already smiling. And P!nk's Beam Me Up is playing on my playlist now. Smiling into the sun.

P/S - About the dare post, I decided to pass. Somehow what are meant to be private should stay private. :)