3 Years Ago Today

3 years ago today, it was the first time we were more than just best friends. Ever since February 14th 2012, it was never a dull moment with you in my life.



Looking back to every moment we had, I wouldn’t wanna change a moment of it. There’s the good times, and there are the tough ones too. We ain’t perfect and we still managed. It has been a good 3 years. We had our laughters, we had hurt. We forgive and we heal.



Chasing after perfect is a dream. I used to have this fantasy. Reminiscing the times when we smile, and thinking how perfect we are. But this is in fact a fantasy. We worked hard to make things right, we stay grounded and honest, and it’s just a part of life that we have to accept shit does happen all the time. And the one thing that made me smile is after all those shit and crappy things, we are still holding on to each other and moving forward.



I know I’m the cheesy one and always wanted to make you smile in the oddest way I can find, and you are that traditional minded but actions are totally westernised. Or somewhere in between. On the beautiful part of it is, being patient with me when I’m crazy, and accepting all the flaws. I finally able to see the person I’ve become and proud of what I’m capable to do. My strength turns into weakness but the vulnerability makes me strong enough to do this. So, thank you bae. There is no words or anything I can do to show you how much I’ve appreciate what we have.



#3 and many more to come. I hope the future we once talked about, will turn into our reality.

365 Days & Closing Chapter One

It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe it's all true..

- Sara Bareilles

End of a Chapter 1 - Part 009 : Nov 10th 2015



It's not simple to say, most days I don't recognize myself. It is also not easy to know I am not anything like I used to be. For every reason, I can't believe we are closing chapter one.

The imperfection and the uncommonly interest we had, it is not easy to believe things would actually work out. Now, I've got you and you are not what I've asked for. Bringing back to 365 days of memories we have forged, it's all seems too fast. The good and the bad, we managed to come to a close for this chapter.

Life is always messy, and life has been kind. We are human, and we are bound with our sins. For one reason that I could pull it through is because you have been my anchor. You are mine....

The things we have lost, the things we have made, and the things to come. It is a beautiful disaster. Do I wanna rewrite the ending, I guess I would be happy to just let it be. You're imperfect, but you try. You are messy but you are kind. It is as simple as I can just say that I am the happiest person alive.

It is not easy to know when the part of your dream is becoming reality. There is a thin line where I mixed up what is a fantasy and reality. What is there for me to sabotage everything I have? Where do I wanna go from here? What will the next chapter lies? For the one person who see me for who I am...


Thank you for a wonderful 365 days and I want another 365 years with you. 

Next Stage?

Leo   : Baby, my friends asked me when are we getting married.

Ric    : Hmm.. So what did you say?

Leo.  : I didn't. But I don't think it's a problem for us. I could just marry you anytime. 

Ric    : really? Are you sure?

Leo.  : yea.. I think so.

Ric.   : ok, lemme ask you these few questions.

Leo.  : shoot

Ric.   : is your career stable now? Do we both have enough reserve? Let's not talk about kids first, just the two of us. Do we have enough insurance to cover all? How does do we go with my medical expenses? Where should we settle? New York or L.A.? Does our house whole income enough for mortgage? What are the carreer options? Can we make ends meet?

Leo.   : (-.....-) ok noted. 

Ric.    : don't get me wrong, I will marry you one day. It's just there are a lot more to think about and a lot we gotta do to make things happen. What if things goes side ways? And so far in our relationship, we are still having our honeymoon period even after nearly a year now. I know sooner or later, that will come. I just want us to build up a stronger foundation before we proceed to the next stage. I don't want us to one day come to a relationship fumed with resentment. I want us to have a strong and beautiful relationship so our kids one day will grow up in a loving environment.

Leo.  : You know that I love you and hate you at the same time right?

Ric.   : I do know that. :P

                           

Just a very typical type of conversation we usually have. Surprisingly, it's still all lovey-dovey till today. It is all kinds of weird but I will take that as a win. Being in love with your best friend does really helps. We know each other in and out and there is literally nothing to hide. You don't have to impress each other. You are just being really comfortable with each other. Things are a lot easier.

As i think now things are progressing well between us. Him juggling with his new position, means more working hours and responsibility, and me... Mostly just coping with chemo and treatments as studio time is not in the books this year as of now. I thought why not slowly introduce him into my family. Mom has the idea and kept asking me about Leo from time to time. Things would go smoothly I hope. We booked a family trip to Cambodia next year. Yes, a family trip with Leo together. All mom's reaction was,

You both get one extra room, you give me the suite and you two stay in deluxe room.

How epic my mom can be sometimes. But I'm glad things are really working out. Yes there would be bumps , and coping with my cancer and him working may be tough at times, but we make do. I wouldn't say our relationship is the easiest of all, but compromisation is the thing we that is sticking us together. Even we know each other in and out, but we are totally opposites. The food he loves, I hated it, vice versa. Music he loves, and what I love is totally off. Things he loves doing on free time and what I love doing doesn't sync. The only similarity we have is... Yes you read it right, it's singular.. DURIAN! 

I guess the only thing I wouldn't compromise is when we get married, I would want to be registered in New York. There is no way I wanted my kids to be a Californian. New Yorkers all the way. Lol.. I'm just saying, cause I know you will be reading this anyhow. 

Well, as life always be. Nothing is predictable and smooth. It's just how we make the best of what we can have. Marriage is more than just a verbal commitment to me. I want us to be ready for that. I love you and that's a fact, but we should take one step at a time. For what is worth, we already named our kids even before we are having them. I would wanna for once in my life, make that dream come true with you. 

Yours, #3 Always - Muscle

Some Things

Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.

- Ann Landers

You - Part 007 : April 15th 2015

Take my hand, take my whole life too

For I can't help falling in love with you

The first song I've ever send it to you before it was released worldwide. A classic beauty that was covered. An arrangement that I did thinking about us. Sometimes, I don't know if our stars are just aligned or just some things are just meant to be.

It was simple. There was nothing else in the world that could matter. The quiet understanding, the acceptance, and also the forgiving. There are many circumstances I couldn't believe I would be able to look pass and let it go. But when things went wrong, all I could think of is I am thankful that the honesty we shared are strong. Today mark a special day for the both of us. Something that I never thought was possible.

The past 3 weeks has been crazy for either of us. It reminded me when things were crazy last year for us. You would write a lot just to distract me. And lemme get lost in it. Lost myself and I am no where to be found.

I find myself being able to let go. I didn't let myself drowned in a place where only I could reach. No more bleeding, no more hiding.

When there are times I felt hurt, but the worst part is there is no one to blame. There were times I feel that why choosing a life that held on to something that is just merely an idea. Things were grey and I would let myself feel every single cut. But love changes you. It lessen the burden, it trusted you with something that no words could ever describe. And you let it unwrap you and breathe you in.

I just wanted to be thankful, I just wanted to hold on to what I am breathing in. You've been there as a friend. Your weakness is just a mere part of life and the course of growing up. I am not settling for the less perfect, as all the imperfection reflects that I am in love with a human being. They say when you fell in love, your common sense is on holiday. You were always that someone to try for, and that someone whose arms will hold you tight enough to be the reason to breathe.

I don't love you because I needed you. I need you because I love you. We are sure the worst, and we are sure the best. 

Malignant

I write about the power of trying, because I want to be okay with failing. I write about generosity because I battle selfishness. I write about joy because I know sorrow. I write about faith because I almost lost mine, and I know what it is to be broken and in need of redemption. I write about gratitude because I am thankful - for all of it.

-  Kristin Armstrong

Hope - Part 007 : April 5th 2015

When there is a slightest bit of hope, don't you wanna know that? 

These are the most frequent question that almost everyone will ask me when I told them I really do not wanna know how my condition is and how things are at this very moment. There was one question that is burning in me to really wanna ask them back. 

Can you name the single worst, most malignant symptoms of terminal cancer? 

It's hope. It's recurrent. And it keeps creeping back in no matter how many times it gets ripped apart.

UM gave me hope in a phase 3 clinical trial. It failed.

NYU hope radio surgery would work. It didn't. 

And Cancer Institute Malaysia, has high high hopes for portent combinations of chemo and ablation. No go.

And every time the hope goes, it takes chunks of you with it. Until you can only find comfort in that ONE thing, that you know you can count on. 

They ask me why am I calm. I am not calm. I don't show doesn't mean I feel okay inside. They asked me to find comfort in a higher power. It's not that I do not believe. I only have this one question. Why would God let that happen, and I don't understand it. You can do everything right, and it doesn't even matter. Why.. I've been looking for answers for the past 7 years. 

There is a thing we say when someone dies. We say it to the families left behind. We say. I'm sorry for your lost. It's a pad little phrase, and an empty one. It's doesn't begin to cover what actually is happening to them. It lets us empathize without forcing us to feel their devastation ourselves. It protects us from feeling that pain. That dark, sinking relentless pain. The kind that can eat you alive. And every day, I thank God for that.

I know what it is walking into a hospital knowing that my condition is just a little to no chance of success. To do all the planning, treatments, and hoping and labor knowing in the end, it may amount to nothing, ven when it's impossible.But I know it is asked of me. If I can't do it, if I am not willing to keep looking for light in the darkest of places, without stopping, even it seems impossible. I will never succeed. 

I can't get too close to just wanna give up. If I felt even a little of the love, the joy, and the hopes that my love ones are saying goodbye to, I wouldn't even able to function. Sometimes, I just wanna look you in the eye, tell you to " just take me home. Take me home, take me to bed and just hold me. "

That some little bit of support, some bit of peace, some bit of closure. Something good. Some little piece of beauty in the mist of some place dark. An unexpected gift. Just when it needed most. That was that one thing that happened - You.

These few weeks hasn't been great for us. I know that you have been the light for me every single day. Keeping my smile going even when things are so bad. You kept my hopes up when I have lost them. You kept the optimism going when I have none to begin with.  You are the one thing good I have now. You are the one thing that keeps me from not believing things are bad. You are aart of that support that I always wanted on top of what I already had. You kept me going forward. 

But there is one thing I hope you'll read it here. The one thing you and I always avoided. If things goes the way we didn't expect to go... Remember this.. And I will keep on fighting on until I draw my very last breath of air. 

You have lost somebody. And you are hurting. But you will get through this. You can survive this. You are strong. It's okay. You are gonna be okay. I promised. And I will always be the one to tell you " Niey " before you go to bed. #3 always. 

I'm Sorry I'm Not Sorry

Someone to fight for
Someone to die for
Someone whose arms will hold you tight enough to be
The reason you breathe

 - Matthew Koma & Kelly Clarkson
Anger - Part 006 : March 10th 2015

I believe everyone has experienced this before. A surge of anger, frustrations, and also desperation. As much as I wanna brush it off, sometimes, I somehow let myself drowned with it. I wanna deny that but I know that it wouldn't be right. It isn't a bad thing to let it flow.

There would always be a question if it was any good at all to let the emotions run all over. I wouldn't say that if its a good thing or a bad thing all together. I am human after all. These few weeks has been a lot going on. There is this sick feeling inside of me that I would wanna suppress. Yes I am desperate. In so many ways, I just wanted it to just go away. Things changed. I needed to adapt. I needed to move forward. I am afraid, I am scared.

Is there a safe side so I don't get hurt? There are these factors around me that made me wanna run away. But every time I thought that I am in a bad place, somehow the reflection of the ones I love around me. Mr D got screwed over by the hospital. I wished I could do something to support him emotionally, but I know it is one thing I would never able to do.

Yes, we share the ideology of death. We share that burden that makes us us today. But I can't deny I changed myself. I am now loved by one. Of course my priorities somehow shifted. I won't deny being in love makes me forgot that I have cancer. I am thankful for that. He always makes me feel like I am just me. Not the man who lives with cancer. We have goals, and we planned for our future. I know that planning for one isn't really a practical thing to do. But what do we got to lose right? We know we have each other right now and that is all it matters for now.

I know that life never throw things that we can't handle. Maybe at that time, I didn't know. To be honest, after so many years, I can't even truly understand the life living with cancer. But I know that all these emotions makes me who I am. I feel the pain, I feel the love. I am not being looked in a certain way, I am just me. I see death as a companion, I see love as my guide. I see loneliness is a phase, and care is a blessing.

Anger, frustration, and desperation... It is just some emotions that comes along the way. I just needed to hold on to what I have and move forward.
Sorry, I am not sorry for having cancer.
Sorry, I am not sorry I am an addict.
Sorry, I am not sorry that I face death in this manner.
Sorry, I am not sorry to believe what I believe.
Sorry, I am not sorry for saying what is on my mind.
And sorry, I am not sorry for loving you. 

Away From Reality?

"Tell me all your secrets
Tell me your fears
I won’t push you away
I’ll only pull you near
No, I won’t judge you
I’mma help you through."

- Sia Fuller

Frustration  - Part 005 : February 26th 2015

There are so many things going on lately I just got no idea where should I even start. There are so many things that put me in a position to actually think about what are the things that is for me. Or should I say for us.

At times, I see life in a way it is so precious. Living with cancer is one thing that force you to actually see things the way it is. No short cuts, no running away. And saying that, I wanna surround myself with the positive people around me. I see from time to time, there will be some people that walked into my life, and right there and then, I just cut them off. One thing I realize, life is too short to even waste my life on those that doesn't cherish what they have. Yes, I do not deny that it really irritates me.

I am living with cancer, a handful or people I love and care for are suffering from terminal illness or even some living with an incurable condition. I was an addict. No.. I should say, I am an addict. I am 17 months clean now, but the crave will always be there. It is something worst than living with cancer. I have to admit that even I don't want to. The question is, there are so many of us are trying to live the right way, not running away and face our demons.

So, the question is, how would you feel when you are trying to do things right, and you see those around you that keeps throwing everything away? Yes I wouldn't deny that everyone yearns for something. But how does it gives a person to throw away a temple of good health when they just felt about their life doesn't go the way they wanted.

I have so much I wanted to write down right here. But I am not going to. Life is one thing I find it beautiful when you know what is the definition of life. You will never have what you wanted, but you will be given what you can handle. All you gotta do is be patient. I waited for a whole 4 years. And I found my anchor.

I am signing off for now heading off to China for a short alone trip. Time to clear my mind and recharge. And here is one thing I wanna share with all of y'all.. And to the special one : " A lot a lot, and muscle. Everyday and every minute... " :)

But piece by piece you collected me
Up off the ground but you abandoned things
And piece by piece you filled the holes that you burned in me
At six years old and no
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
He loves me
Piece by piece
He restored my faith
That a man can be kind
And a father could stay

Control

"Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope."

- Maya Angelou

Inspiration - Part 005 : January 5th 2015

Every thing happens for a reason. Today has been a mixed of both good and bad. Life has always been a mystery. The things that we knew could somehow turns to strange situation that we sometimes couldn't comprehend. Living with cancer for the past few years made me see the world differently. I couldn't really say life have been tough on me cause I know that is not true. I've always been blessed with a great support system. My family, my love one, my friends all are my sources to keep me going. 

Every time when I see myself as a victim of life's own game, I realize there are the people I love and care for who are suffering as well. A big part of me wanted to do more. But how could I be able to do so? I can't handle myself at times too. Sometimes, I really wished I could just let my guard down and let people in to this realm where everything is just filled with agony and dispare. Believe it or not, I really wanted to. But in the end, I just naturally held back. It is like a part of me just didn't wanna let myself to be vulnerable.

But like I mentioned earlier, life has also been kind to me. Ever since Valentines Day two years back, I felt like a part of me didn't have to carry that weight myself. And now, having you in my life made me felt even more lucky. I remember I once told my bestie that I wouldn't be so lucky to have him. Apparently I am the lucky one. I'm grateful for that. And I love you to bits for that. 

But when things came down to Mr D. I felt like sometimes, I really wanted to shelter him from all the crappy stuff life have thrown at him. And I know a fact Leo would totally support me in this. When things seem to turn out a little better for him, another curve ball was thrown towards him. Something I could relate to all the time. The thing is, I don't know what I am feeling. 

Even for another character in my life I've never really mentioned in my blog before. I know these are tough times, but sometimes the more we wanna be in control of life, the more we couldn't grab a grip. I was left puzzled on why the temper? I was confused, but then again, I knew what happened. Through the years, I think I begin to understand sometimes, when the faith and trust we have among friends, when it isn't strong enough, things would easily just fall apart. I slept on it and it was just clear to me. I may not be in control in a lot of things in life, but I know who are the people that meant to me for me to hold on to. For that, I've learned how to let go. 

There are people that I wanted them to stay, there are also those I would just smile and nod and say goodbye to. Life is just a beautiful journey that I do not wanna put those un-needed thorns to it. There are so much more I wanted to do and so much more I wanted to make this life counts. What matters and what doesn't, it's just coming down to what I decide to do. I may not be in control in life, but I could certainly be in control on how I wanna feel about life. And I'm glad that I've decided on what I wanted. Suffering is inevitable, but feeling pain is a choice. 

My Life & My Happiness Is Ours

I sometimes, wish, I could be anonymous. Walk down the street of life. Before I moved to the states, I was a boy. In the music school, on the piano. I was just a boy who wanted a view of the beautiful beach. And now that things changes under circumstances, I think it's very difficult to do very simple things. Things without consequences. I think it's the hardest thing to give up. But my mother always taught me to be strong. And never to be a victim, never making excuses, never expect anyone else to provide me things that I know I can provide for myself. I have dreams. And I actually think I have the power to make those dreams to become a reality.

When you have a stand in the music industry, no one looks at you as a human anymore. You become the property of the label. There's nothing real about it. You can't put your finger on who I am. I can't put a finger on who I am. I am... Complicated. I've grew up with a lot of conflicts and traumas and I've been through a lot. Just like everyone else. My escape is always music. And I'm so lucky that that's my job. But if I've accomplished all of these things, and had no one to share with. It will be worth nothing. You know that you need something real. In order to need any of see stuff matter. You have to have something, that is FOREVER. Something that is invisible. 

I was brought up the same way my mother try to please and make everyone comfortable. And I always felt like its my job to fix problems. People pleaser. But, I'm no longer afraid of conflict, and I don't think conflict is a bad thing. Because I know, when you grow up, when you learned a few things, you no longer afraid of letting go. You no longer afraid of the unknown. You no longer afraid going to places and you're biting your mind and soul that make you feel uncomfortable. And it all starts from if you can look at yourself in the mirror and say, I like that person. You know.. If I hadn't gone through some of the painful experience in my life, I would not be me. 

I feel like my body is borrowed in this life. And it is very temporary. I watched my friends body deteriorate, and see someone pass on so gracefully and puts everything in perspective. We do not value ourselves enough. Especially young people who don't really appreciate how brilliant our bodies are. I've always been very specific and choosy. About my body and who I wanna share with. People thinks that they lose something when they get into a relationship or marriage. But it doesn't have to be that way. There is nothing more exciting to be able to have a witness to your life. 

I always consider myself as an humanitarian activist, or something. All the while, I've always afraid of that word, cause people place so much on it. When honestly, it's very simple. It's just a person who believes in equality for men and women. Men and women balance each other out, and we have to get to a point where each other is comfortable with and starts to appreciate each other. Not just for the rights of humanity, or anything. It's just a general term. I have a lot of empathy for people and the pressures they go through and the cultures that has been created. Especially for all the LGBT and people who are going through terminal illnesses. Not because I am one of them, but because I understood how hard it is having to go through cancer, and I know a lot more people are far worst than I am. I have the same empathy for women. They women has to provide, so many things for their children. I consider myself, a humanist. 

You know, everybody is not good at everything. It's always okay to depend on someone. It's actually what we are suppose to do. We're supposed to depend on each other. And when you find the person that you trust, and you love, and you feel is going to respect you and take all the shit you have and turn around and bring out the best in you, it is indeed the most powerful thing in your life. 

Happiness comes from you. No one else can make you happy. You make you happy. The love you have just amplified that happiness that you already have. And one thing that's for sure, the love I have, the music, my lover, my friends, and my future, it's something that will last far beyond in my life. 

I'm thankful for embracing me, for understanding me, for being patient with my crazy. This is the life I am living. This is what I wanted it to be.

Venti . Grande . Tall

Well, just something I wanna share about. Me and Leo decided to start something crazy out of the blue. For some reasons, we kinda find it fun to just wanna write about our experience on the little small things we do. Travelling, food, architecture, arts, shopping and music.

So we started this new blog called Venti . Grande . Tall sharing all the little things we both find worth sharing. Maybe some are not.. but well, I suppose people would already know that about me and Leo. LOL. This is our heaven and it's all about the cities and destinations that make travelling worthwhile.

We enjoy nothing more than the thrill of the open road and the joy of discovering new places, delicious foods and wonderful cultures, while meeting amazing people. Just to put them all down in words and serves us as a beautiful little journal we both would cherish from now till the time to come. 

When two 3.8. get together, this is what you get :)

So for what we are going to do, we wanna share this little journal of ours with the world. We will be starting off with out little "Tai-Tai" splurging trip in Kuala Lumpur. So much more is in planning and here is some of the places we plan to go before year end. 

• Langkawi, Malaysia
• Bali, Indonesia
• Melbourne, Australia

Well, I guess for people who knows us, we are quirky, mental, and nothing happens within expectation. It is just every single detail we decide and do, it is always BOOMZ!

So, do have a look on what we are coming up with and follow us. Would love to hear from all of you and maybe give us some suggestions too on where and where should we go and explore. This world is just too big for just the both of us. 

Cliché

Just something random, I got no idea why too I named this post cliche. Maybe the fact that all of us have that certain point we can't say we aren't cliche at all. Well, I guess this is just another point where it is just a matter of how you view things. The usual grey zone.

I have no idea about others, but for me, the older you grow, the more you know where you wanted your life to head. I grew up in a really small town (Smallest in the whole Malaysia. I would dare anyone if they would say theirs is smaller!) LOL!! Well, maybe this is why I wanted to break free at a very young age. I never really felt I fit in when I was young. Not that I don't love my place. I just felt that I needed to just be me. To do the things I love and excel, and all of these will not happen unless I leave.

But the cliche thing is I still come back here when I am not working. Well, I don't hate the place, I hate the culture here - Kepoh (Busybody). Small place, big mouth. I remembered when I had my first tattoo and the whole town was talking about me joining some mafia. Oh well.. It didn't really bother me.

There are still so much I wanted to do in life, the whole list I had when I was younger, I kept telling myself it will be okay to do it slowly. But once when I was being diagnose, almost half of the list is just like some pretty writing that I can only read without able to do it myself anymore. When you push yourself against all the odds and limits in life, you would actually know how much you wanted life to be. Fuck what others tell you! I always told myself that. I am not saying there isn't a price to pay, but is it all worth it? Definitely so. Maybe it was all I've ever need.

A game of Russian roulette. One in a sixth chance to survived. Pulling that trigger. You will definitely feel alive. Every beat counts, or I should say I wanna make it count. The scary thought of what if won't bother you, all you wanted is that terrifying feeling to vanish and keep on moving. Cliche much?

Well, I really don't know what I am writing anyway. Blame it on the meds or whatever there is. It just felt like there is something in me that I needed to let it out. Just something I wish I could comprehend as well. And I got no idea at all why, I just wish Leo is here right now. Somewhat he would know how to deal with it.

Coming up next!

Cont : Final 12 of Being 30

It isn't easy at all to really wanna get out from a state of mind to another. But gradually when the pain subsided, it is easier to move on from there. There are some point when you realize the superficial part of how we feel will just dies away.

One thing really funny happen earlier in the afternoon. I guess he didn't even know what happen in some way. The usual FaceTime session with Leo. I guess all I can remember was he told me he was gonna go cook dinner and just told me to wait there in some way. I am not sure if he realize that, but I guess when the meds was in full force, I was so drozy and all. I remember little bits and pieces and I was talking. But the thing I wasn't sure was did I actually talked to him or I was hallucinating.

When I gain conscious was when I asked him how long did he took to cook dinner. I have no idea how on earth that he was with cloths at one point talking to me and the next, he was sitting there eating his curry for dinner. That blank out was just somehow made me kept thinking is this how actually is like when me and Zombie was talking in the middle of the night.

Somewhat it is kinda hilarious and it made things much easier to forget. The growing physical pain was just a mere feeling I experience on and off with the position I was in.
 
Sometimes, things would really gets better if we are patient enough. And being human, we tend to wanna get it over with now and then. It is really funny when we think of it. From a emotional state we are in, it will just eventually dies off. But how it did, we don't really see the importance in that.

Anyhow, the first day of being 30 is just a little crazy for me. It is like going on a roller coaster ride but with the height of the One World Trade Center downtown New York. It really is something really interesting. And if there is any wish I wanted for being in my 30s, it will be appreciative on the small little things that happens around me. I have been careless and I have been not cherishing all those moments till it was gone.

2 years ago, it was just you and me sitting in front of the esplanade in Singapore. After so many years, of missing out in each other's life. We see what we have lost, and we see what life has thrown to us. But at that time, we didn't know what will be there for us. I guess all I could remember was it was my birthday and you were the first to wish me at the strike of midnight. And now, 2 years later, we have grown so much, the long way we have walked through. The moments of knowing what was meant just for us, the support, the faith, the care, the love and the wanting to just be there for each other has out grown us. Nothing in the world really matters. You are my family and only you that matters. As the remaining 12 hours of my first day being 30, I really wish that you would be here in New York right now.

And speaking of this, I suddenly have an image of Leo waving at me saying that he was there with me on my birthday. And I am wondering is this real or I was hallucinating again while he was cooking dinner. Oh my, this memory thing is getting funnier and funnier as I try to remember. Well, I wonder what is his reaction will be when he reads this.

Well, like Candice told me, it is how we wanna be in control with life. And I guess I can finally see what really lies in front for me to go through my next decade. Glad to be 30 finally. 

10 More Days

10 more days, and we will come to a close to 2013. For many many reasons, I have kept asking myself who I want myself to be. But in the end, I stopped asking myself that. At a point where so many things were just going too fast and I really couldn't cope with. The question was circulating around that I wanted to be free from cancer. And the more I wanted to be, the more I got myself winded in that whirlwind without an exit.

The past few days wasn't really easy. Fever, lungs infection, and the usual pain. All I could think at that point was just how I wanted it to just stop. But what makes things easier was Leo. Somehow, maybe it was the time difference and all. He gave me comfort at times when I really needed. A few nights, he would just FaceTime me till I fall asleep. Maybe he is really just great in calming me down. I am just glad to have him in my life. You were nothing more I could ask for as a friend.

Both of my besties are back in town. Mr G is now spending most of his time with his family and all. And I am sure gonna steal some time from them for sure. I miss him actually. I can say that he is the most supportive person in my life. Like my personal teddy bear. He really was there at the hardest time no matter what it was. Rainer, on the other hand, she is like my mirror. So far, I haven't talk much to her just yet. She is getting engage on Christmas Eve! I know there are a lot for her to cope with right now. I wanted to be there, but everything is still unclear, but one thing for sure is I will be seeing her before I go back to New York. Don't even care if she has the time or not, I will just pull her out. I got all m wines and bubbles ready and I would be damn if I don't drink it with her!

And also my barbz! I know I have been forgetting the 3 of you in my blog. Sammy, thank you for always finding someway for me to lessen my burden with cancer. Gavinella, I still love you much for everything you have done. But still hating you for that first picture you ever sent me! I still crave for that ice cream! And Kenny, you were just one beautiful soul that is always ready to listen to me. I really couldn't imagine life any easier with the support and love you 3 gave me.

There are so many things to be thankful for this year. Thankful to being able to fall in love all over again and reliving every part of it. I know the road in front is bumpy but what matters is we have each other no matter where or who we are. I know there are so much to be said, but just don't. I know there are many things that comes into factor. And maybe.. I just don't love myself enough to let you.

I am also getting inked on the 27th. A mark that I wanted to have for my first 30 years in this world. It will be my 8th tattoo. The inspiration actually came from the question where I began this. The person I wanna be is the person that I am. Embracing every wrong that I made in the past, and living today with what I have. There will always be the things we want, and the things we wanna be. But in the end, when you have all the people who cares and loves you, what else more do I really need?

2013 has been really really kind to me. There are the ups and downs, and all I can say is, I will be ending my 20s with a happy note. All that I have been given and taken away from, made me realize life is all that it has to offer. And I am thankful for that.