Control

"Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope."

- Maya Angelou

Inspiration - Part 005 : January 5th 2015

Every thing happens for a reason. Today has been a mixed of both good and bad. Life has always been a mystery. The things that we knew could somehow turns to strange situation that we sometimes couldn't comprehend. Living with cancer for the past few years made me see the world differently. I couldn't really say life have been tough on me cause I know that is not true. I've always been blessed with a great support system. My family, my love one, my friends all are my sources to keep me going. 

Every time when I see myself as a victim of life's own game, I realize there are the people I love and care for who are suffering as well. A big part of me wanted to do more. But how could I be able to do so? I can't handle myself at times too. Sometimes, I really wished I could just let my guard down and let people in to this realm where everything is just filled with agony and dispare. Believe it or not, I really wanted to. But in the end, I just naturally held back. It is like a part of me just didn't wanna let myself to be vulnerable.

But like I mentioned earlier, life has also been kind to me. Ever since Valentines Day two years back, I felt like a part of me didn't have to carry that weight myself. And now, having you in my life made me felt even more lucky. I remember I once told my bestie that I wouldn't be so lucky to have him. Apparently I am the lucky one. I'm grateful for that. And I love you to bits for that. 

But when things came down to Mr D. I felt like sometimes, I really wanted to shelter him from all the crappy stuff life have thrown at him. And I know a fact Leo would totally support me in this. When things seem to turn out a little better for him, another curve ball was thrown towards him. Something I could relate to all the time. The thing is, I don't know what I am feeling. 

Even for another character in my life I've never really mentioned in my blog before. I know these are tough times, but sometimes the more we wanna be in control of life, the more we couldn't grab a grip. I was left puzzled on why the temper? I was confused, but then again, I knew what happened. Through the years, I think I begin to understand sometimes, when the faith and trust we have among friends, when it isn't strong enough, things would easily just fall apart. I slept on it and it was just clear to me. I may not be in control in a lot of things in life, but I know who are the people that meant to me for me to hold on to. For that, I've learned how to let go. 

There are people that I wanted them to stay, there are also those I would just smile and nod and say goodbye to. Life is just a beautiful journey that I do not wanna put those un-needed thorns to it. There are so much more I wanted to do and so much more I wanted to make this life counts. What matters and what doesn't, it's just coming down to what I decide to do. I may not be in control in life, but I could certainly be in control on how I wanna feel about life. And I'm glad that I've decided on what I wanted. Suffering is inevitable, but feeling pain is a choice.