My Life & My Happiness Is Ours

I sometimes, wish, I could be anonymous. Walk down the street of life. Before I moved to the states, I was a boy. In the music school, on the piano. I was just a boy who wanted a view of the beautiful beach. And now that things changes under circumstances, I think it's very difficult to do very simple things. Things without consequences. I think it's the hardest thing to give up. But my mother always taught me to be strong. And never to be a victim, never making excuses, never expect anyone else to provide me things that I know I can provide for myself. I have dreams. And I actually think I have the power to make those dreams to become a reality.

When you have a stand in the music industry, no one looks at you as a human anymore. You become the property of the label. There's nothing real about it. You can't put your finger on who I am. I can't put a finger on who I am. I am... Complicated. I've grew up with a lot of conflicts and traumas and I've been through a lot. Just like everyone else. My escape is always music. And I'm so lucky that that's my job. But if I've accomplished all of these things, and had no one to share with. It will be worth nothing. You know that you need something real. In order to need any of see stuff matter. You have to have something, that is FOREVER. Something that is invisible. 

I was brought up the same way my mother try to please and make everyone comfortable. And I always felt like its my job to fix problems. People pleaser. But, I'm no longer afraid of conflict, and I don't think conflict is a bad thing. Because I know, when you grow up, when you learned a few things, you no longer afraid of letting go. You no longer afraid of the unknown. You no longer afraid going to places and you're biting your mind and soul that make you feel uncomfortable. And it all starts from if you can look at yourself in the mirror and say, I like that person. You know.. If I hadn't gone through some of the painful experience in my life, I would not be me. 

I feel like my body is borrowed in this life. And it is very temporary. I watched my friends body deteriorate, and see someone pass on so gracefully and puts everything in perspective. We do not value ourselves enough. Especially young people who don't really appreciate how brilliant our bodies are. I've always been very specific and choosy. About my body and who I wanna share with. People thinks that they lose something when they get into a relationship or marriage. But it doesn't have to be that way. There is nothing more exciting to be able to have a witness to your life. 

I always consider myself as an humanitarian activist, or something. All the while, I've always afraid of that word, cause people place so much on it. When honestly, it's very simple. It's just a person who believes in equality for men and women. Men and women balance each other out, and we have to get to a point where each other is comfortable with and starts to appreciate each other. Not just for the rights of humanity, or anything. It's just a general term. I have a lot of empathy for people and the pressures they go through and the cultures that has been created. Especially for all the LGBT and people who are going through terminal illnesses. Not because I am one of them, but because I understood how hard it is having to go through cancer, and I know a lot more people are far worst than I am. I have the same empathy for women. They women has to provide, so many things for their children. I consider myself, a humanist. 

You know, everybody is not good at everything. It's always okay to depend on someone. It's actually what we are suppose to do. We're supposed to depend on each other. And when you find the person that you trust, and you love, and you feel is going to respect you and take all the shit you have and turn around and bring out the best in you, it is indeed the most powerful thing in your life. 

Happiness comes from you. No one else can make you happy. You make you happy. The love you have just amplified that happiness that you already have. And one thing that's for sure, the love I have, the music, my lover, my friends, and my future, it's something that will last far beyond in my life. 

I'm thankful for embracing me, for understanding me, for being patient with my crazy. This is the life I am living. This is what I wanted it to be.

唯一的好友

没有真正的爱过，就永远不会了解一个人失去的痛。

没有真正的珍惜，就永远不会了解一个人相思的苦。

没有真正的失去，就永远不会了解一个人脆弱的心。

没有真正的相思，就永远不会了解一个人孤单寂寞的那一刻。

看了一个朋友的部落客，回想我当年选择逃避都不想面对的心。有许多许多不想谈到的话题，连看心理医生都当马戏一般。可能我不想面对我的失败，我所做错的选择。

爱了又能怎样？到最后还是一个人走过来。也许，逃避也是一个不错的方式来面对。我选择了悬崖，我不想向前看。一些希望都想一场梦似的，麻醉自己也是不错的。这样下去，我感觉好多了。

但两年后的我，我每一天都不停的再问我自己，为什么我那么的折磨我自己，那一股痛，也没有真正的离开我。我还是那么的恨我自己，还是那么的在取笑自己。没有了你，我一直都不原谅我自己。没有了我，你过得更好。我们以前所有的一切，你真正的不在乎吗？在你的心里，我到底有没有下根过？

两年啊，两年啊。。。

我看了你的文笔，我都了解你所说的每一个字。现在，没有一个人会了解。不是他们不会，问心一句  -  说了让身边的人明白，又能怎样？到后头，还不是给你   “他们”  的看法而已。了解？哈哈。。。 很可笑是吧。。。

可能我知道你不会读到我再写的每一句。但是  时间  是你唯一的好友。

你会觉得很累，        不想再走下去了。。。
你会觉得很痛，        不想再感觉似的。。。
你会觉得很委屈，    不想再被抛弃下。。。
你会觉得很孤单，    不想再一个人走下去。。。
你会觉得很难呼吸，想要一切都停下来。。。

这些都是很正常的。想我所说过的，给自己一点空间吧。我也曾经想过，我不会再有那种甜美的故事，但四年后的我，我现在很快乐，我幸福了。那时的我，我都没有想过我会再一次的恋爱。所以，给自己一点呼吸的空间吧。我了解你的每一口呼吸的痛，我了解你的寂寞，我了解你的委屈，我都了解。

目前为此，没有一个人，没有一句话 会让你好过的。你我都了解在世上，没有东西或感觉是永远的。你会爱一个人到永远，但他对你我的感觉是我们俩都无法控制的。这点，我们都得接受的。


但永远记得这句话 -

时间  是你唯一的好友。

Remission - Stand Up To Cancer

If I had a dollar, for every time they counting me out

And my back was up against the wall
I could have died but I came out fighting

With a breast full of lungs, man she ain't no punch
Said he gonna ride on it like a chopper in a trunk
Pink ribbon woman, she gone live forever
Even though the doctor said she only get a month
Said "It's my life, and you onle get in once"
These flowers smell too good to be living in a junk
So I finna get it in, and I finna get it crunk
And I finna get to living, eyes on remission from the junk
Breast cancer can't hold me back
That's the answer when they told me that
It can knock me down, but I'm gon' be back, strong
Down for whatever, exceptional and I don't know how to quit
And I never said never, you can have that hair cause real talk bitch
I think I look better, let's do it

Fighter, with everything inside her
Reporting live from Death Row, drop the charges see you life uh
Cellphones and your lighters, need you to put 'em up higher
So many candles on her birthday cake, might set the thing on fire

My daddy say he got it in his prostate
When I went to see him, he had lost weight
Trying to find the words in a lost state, of mind
Pictures on the wall that remind
Me of the times that we once had
Had to take my daughter to see granddad
Pop, pop, nothing's impossible, you never been logical
I know what doctor's do, I know what God can do
Abdominal pain, hard to explain
For you to get better, it starts in your brain
Life ain't a game, the fight it remains, dance in the rain
When it first came, I was like damn
Then I start thikin', then I start praying
Spirits went up, count went down
You gon' live forever, how you living now

Fighter, definition of a rider
Got all that ishh about you, with what you got inside ya
Cellphones and your lighters, put them things up higher
Even when you tired, you keep me inspired

Went undiagnosed and untreated
When they finally found it, told me too far along and he couldn't beat it
But he couldn't see it, miss me with that dead talk
Miss me, my legs walk and my hearts beats and my wife witness
So fuck cancer, my life with me, and if I die, it die with me

Lupe Fiasco has teamed up with Stand Up To Cancer to drop a brand new single. Available on iTunes on September 5th, "Remission" is the latest in for-charity singles that SU2C has made available for public purchase. Featuring Jennifer Hudson and Common, the track will be performed during the highly-publicized live event on September 5th at 8pm/7c via Stand Up To Cancer's official website.

Lupe Fiasco, Jennifer Hudson and Common have come together in the name of charity.

“Remission,” Lupe’s track that features Hudson and Common, was dreamt up as a way to promote the biennial fundraising telecast Stand Up to Cancer, a program organized by the Entertainment Industry Foundation that raises money for cancer research.
Donate to Stand Up For Cancer here.

A Prayer

I've never really thought I could do this in just a short period of time. When I got the call from Cow asked me if I am up to it, my first instinct was "No, I need more time on this". But then she told me, this could be very therapeutic especially at times like this. 

When I got the draft on the track, Rebs already had everything written down. Every piece was just there. I went blank on the first day. And one night, I decided to just read back some of my blog post and I came across this very particular advice.

Write a song that's truly personal to you. A song which will touch millions of hearts out there. A song which tells so much for years. - Adrian

All the memories flushes back. Wanting to know how far I could go. To write and make music from passion and emotions. The fire that is burning in you. And all I needed was that push. Cow was on her late pregnancy at that time and what I needed is that believe factor. The next day when I got back, all those little pieces that Rebs put together just made sense. We don't need big tunes, we don't need big arrangements, there is no need to have a 120 piece orchestra to make this song work. All we need is that heart.

And 48 hours later, we got the song. We got the people and we know where we are heading, first draft was just amazing already. A simple arrangement would suffice to make people understand the souls, the heart of this track. And in the end, we made it. And I wouldn't believe I would without Adrian's words. Somehow, when people believe in you, that is all it takes for you to take that step and move forward. And I really needed that with everything that was going on in life.

Thank you AL, there is so much I wanna say, but no words I could use to describe how much that meant to me.

#PrayForPeace

Our thoughts and prayers go out to all the victims and families of the Malaysian Airlines flight, Gaza as we continue to pray for peace.

The Support System

"Don't deny yourself the support system."

Those were the exact words Kevin told me years ago. Having cancer and living with it is one thing. But there is one thing that all of us who are struggling will agree on this. Feeling alone all the time. 

There are people that we love like our love ones, family and friends there to support us. But is it really enough? Once, I thought that it would be. But it isn't. Before Kevin told me this, I always thought I wasn't the support group kinda person. But he was right. The more I deny that, the more lonelier I get. But when is it exactly that you'll let yourself tell yourself that it is enough? No doubt our love ones, family and friends will be there for us, but that doesn't count. The people who understand the language you are speaking does make that difference.

The best of ways I can say is surround yourself with the people who can handle it. Because it is a lot to handle. Yes family and friends may be empathetic towards what you are going through. But sometimes, when they are helpless and when they kept silent, that is when the loneliness haunts you. Sometimes, one of the reasons why I don't write much about my cancer is because, it is so hard to put yourself out there. 

Future is like a fantasy to us, because we cope and fight to live on everyday. Answering the question "How are you?" Is the hardest thing you could find the right answer for it. You live in a world where everything you do is at arms length. And that distance let you feel safe. But the longer this goes on, that loneliness will crawl into you and eventually, giving up seems to be a good option.

Sometime nearly 2 years back, I remembered it was tough. After chemotherapy, My body was in septic shock. Rashes, bruises, and i looked like I was burned. I was in pain, and no one around me could understood what state I was in and what was the thing I wanted best for myself. Obviously I turned a corner from that episode, but the one person who understood me was there with me all the way. I wouldn't have made it without him if I was honest. He didn't had cancer, but he is living in a way that he could relate and handle. To live with something everyday that you wished you never had to begin with. 

For some reason, I needed that support and it helped me so much that I couldn't describe how thing would be if I hadn't have that source to hold on to. But I realize in Malaysia, there aren't much of a support system that people who are struggling to have this grip. Not just the people who have cancer, but also those who are living with terminal condition. It kept me thinking how things would be for them and how hard it is for them to wrap their heads around what's happening. Even I feel the effect that it could put on you. Most of the time, I just wanna be left alone. And in my case, lying in the bath tub was one of the ways to make me feel safe. But this doesn't make it right. There is so much I wanna do, but I know I just can't do it by myself. But where do I begin? Do I wanna just put on a blind eye and let it slip? I really don't know.. But with my condition right now, there sing much I could do either ways.

Don't feel ashame who you are telling when. You'll have to give yourself time to wrap your head around it. And never deny the support system. When a person who doesn't have cancer asked you "are you ok?", you know that it is different from a person who speaks your language. Finding myself to forgive my cancer, and trying to make sense of why is this happening to you is the hardest thing you'll ever do. When I wasn't ok, I just didn't wanna answer to a question like a friendly "how are you?" Cause you know it will be a lie to begin with.  

In my American Cancer Society family, Shae, with breast cancer, Vincent with lymphoma, Gerald with Leukemia, it makes it easier. And when Kevin move on from his cancer, this was his legacy. In the end, it doesn't matter that Kevin couldn't save himself or the world. The legacy of his words was never about weather or not he could cure cancer. It was about the community he created with the people who are struggling. With his support, he helped a lot of people feel a little less...  alone. 

Stop Bullying : Hypocrisy

Sometimes it really saddens me from what we are surrounded with. The ugly side of human nature. Bullying can happen anywhere and to anyone. I've been fighting for a cause for few years now, and yet, out there somewhere there is still people who are in pain out there somewhere.

I wanted to write this just to highlight a few things that I read recently that is hypocrisy in our society. I am not saying that most of them are, but there are such individual among us. In a way, I wonder if it was the age, culture, or the exposure around these people. When there is a cause to fight for such as the bullying of LGBT in our society, there were among the first to stand up for what they think is right for them. Kudos to them for believing in their cause. But where is the ugly side of this? It is among the LGBT themselves.

I recently read something on twitter. To be honest, a friend of mine actually. It is sad to say but truthfully it is an ugly side of human. To me, bullying is a no reason to act on. Don't gimme the excuse of being young and ignorant. But the thing is, to tweet publicly about your disgust for fat people is just as disgusting as the people who were homophobic.

I know that staying healthy and fit is like a "must" thing for most LGBT. But yet, for someone who you do not know and publicly tweeted about them is also a form of bullying. Maybe not to them, but for the people who reads it. What makes me sick is the friend of mine was actively fighting against bullying by homophobe.

And it just triggers me that "why you?" Of all people, this is the last thing I am expecting from you. The hypocrisy, and I do wonder if you really deserve all that you were fighting for. I know that we do for a greater good, but I have to get this outta my chest. I makes me wonder the people around, and their true colors.

No matter what a life choice that a person do, we can't judge them. I really do wish that all these will stop one day. If only everyone will be treating everyone like what they want others to threat them. The world would be a much beautiful place.

There are so much going on around us. Stop and take a look. Do we really wanna live in a world like this? Shouldn't we be the first to take that stand instead of waiting for others to do so first? We can't tolerate people who are homophobic and racist. But we can tolerate ourselves to saying bad stuff and shaming others who we don't like? Where is the common sense in that? 

Why We Should Judge a Country On its Attitude Towards Homosexuals

Last November I wrote about Olympic hopeful Jake Holden. The Olympics are here but I noticed a great deal of air time has been given to discussing gay rights, probably because Russia had made its anti-gay position clear ahead of the Games. J.J. McCullough put this into perspective when he pointed out that Russia is not as bad as so many other countries.

In 2012 in Iran, Ayatollah Abdollah Javadi-Amoli an influential cleric and an Islamic scholar referred to homosexuals as "inferior to dogs and pigs." Iran is under Shari'a law.

Attacks against gays in Iran are so heinous there was an international uproar in London and San Francisco and Russia!

The person who posted this video wrote: "I made asylum in Israel in 2010, where its OKAY to be GAY."

Are you aware that it's illegal to be homosexual in 78 countries? (Only 49 ban lesbianism.) Five countries have the death penalty: Iran, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, Yemen and Mauritania. Even though Bahrain, Kuwait, Qatar, Oman, Saudi Arabia and the UAE already outlaw homosexuality, they're toughening their stance. And there are "Gay medical tests" that must be taken to gain entry into Saudi Arabia.

According to Ali Hilli founder of Iraqi LGBT. "Instead of protecting sexual minorities, the Iraqi government facilitates their murder by arresting the victims and handing them over to militias who kill them."

Gay rights abuses take place in Malaysia where under Shari'a law gay activity can lead to whipping and up to a 20-year prison sentence. Homosexuality is illegal in most Africancountries and in Uganda, homosexual acts are punishable by 14 years to life in prison;Qatar which has a poor human rights record in general, has declared homosexual acts between men illegal and punishable up to seven years imprisonment. United Arab Emirates, Jamaica, Libya, Moldova, Chile, Cameroon, El Salvador, and Zimbabwe also have laws against gays.

While I was researching these abuses I read about pinkwashing and gay rights. Never really understood it, but now I do. Pinkwashing is a term attached to "cause marketing" that I understand began with companies hitching their wagons to Breast Cancer Pink Ribbon campaigns. They wanted to "wash" their products with philanthropic ideals. I have purchased mushrooms with a pink ribbon on the box.

So how did this pinkwashing make its way into gay rights? It seems there are gay-rights activists who accuse Israel of "branding" itself, selling itself, as a haven for the LGBT community, not because it's the right thing to do in a democracy, but to obfuscate nefarious behaviours.

President of Israel Shimon Peres said:

"Even a person who is a homosexual is a human being, and he has rights. We have no power to take away [their] rights. We cannot take away someone's rights because they are different. We cannot take away their right to breathe, right to eat or right to start a family. We must allow everyone to live as is natural to them."

Israel is one of the most progressive states regarding the rights of gays and lesbians in the West -- certainly more forward thinking than the USA. American Airlines rated Tel Aviv "the best 'gay city' in the world, with a whopping 43 per cent of the vote, more than tripling second place New York."

Tel Aviv is host to an annual gay pride parade that celebrates gay life and has a memorial to remember the gay and lesbian victims of Nazi persecution.

Israel allows openly gay individuals to serve in the military and without affecting eligibility for promotion.

"Amnesty International believes that all people, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity, should be able to enjoy the full range of human rights, without exception."

That's Israel. It is the only country in the area -- the Middle East and North Africa -- that treats the gay community with respect and dignity. Not good enough for some gay-rights activists.

Nada Elia, a professor of gender and global studies at Antioch University in Seattle claimed Israel, "uses 'gay-friendly' as a mask to distract from the reality" and Israel is "sending out the 'cool, hip people' to distract from the reality of war." She calls this "propaganda."

Sarah Shulman wrote Israeli pinkwashing is "a deliberate strategy to conceal the continuing violations of Palestinians' human rights behind an image of modernity signified by Israeli gay life."

Of all the countries in the world with gross human rights abuses these activists only see Israel as a pariah state, refusing to applaud that country for its good works. Their attacks on Israel demean the fight that the gay community has fought for decades to destroy this stigma. The attacks belittle them and all those countries, including Canada and the USA, who are finally opening their hearts, minds and laws to the this once horribly maligned community.

Professor Jasbir Puar, who teaches women's and gender studies at Rutgers University said the Israeli occupation "is one of the most contentious issues in queer organizing today." That Gaza mistreats the gay population to the point that they flee to Israel has no import on her. She has no empathy for these gay men, or that they prefer a life in the seedy parts of central Israel rather than the virtual death sentences they fled in the West Bank and Gaza Strip.

She justifies her position by declaring:

"We can't judge a country by its attitudes towards homosexuals."

Really?!?!?!?!?!?!!?

Same Love

“Same Love” substituted for the traditional wedding march at the 2014 Grammys, where Macklemore and Ryan Lewis sang their paean to marriage equality and Queen Latifah married 34 couples, gay and straight.

The news of the mass wedding only broke this weekend, as did word that Madonna would be joining the Best New Artist winners in “Same Love.”

Earlier, Lewis said it “will be, in our minds, the ultimate statement of equality, that all the couples are entitled to the same exact thing.” His sister was among those who got hitched at the show.

“This is a love song, not for some of us but for all of us,” declared Latifah, who made no announcement about her own sexuality. After Latifah read the vows to the couples, who lined the aisles, Madonna stepped out to sing “Open Your Heart.” She then finished “Same Love” with original vocalist Mary Lambert.

Grammys producer Ken Ehrlich, whose daughter is a lesbian, pitched the idea of an on-stage wedding to Mac and Ryan, who were eager to participate. Erlich says the event reflected his own personal beliefs, “but I would not want to make a broad statement that it represents the views of the academy or the CBS television network.”

Grammy executives are prepared for some negative backlash: “I expect that people with all kinds of opinions might voice them,” says National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences president Neil Portnow. “and that’s healthy.”

Captured Love And Loss Beautifully

I saw this photos on the web and I thought why not sharing this with everyone. It is much more beautiful than it is sad. I really admire Angelo's courage and his capability to walk his wife through tough times. Every single picture really speaks for itself. The love, the support, the courage, the fear and the pain. I envied the love they both share and the power of being there for each other.

It is so surreal, every expressions were like talking to you through every photos. And also, some... some very familiar expressions as well.

They're images that would break anyone’s heart.

A husband’s poignant photo series documents the intimate moments of his wife’s fight with breast cancer — and her death.

The photos are personal — one shows a handful of hair that had fallen out, another is so magnified that Jennifer’s shedding eyelashes are visible.

A lot of what you see about cancer is glossing over what’s really happened. I think this would help people understand better how they could be there for a family member or friend. I guess so far, there isn't anything way more near to what reality is for all cancer patient out there. 

Angelo Merendino is a photographer whose wife Jennifer died of cancer a couple years ago. Throughout the process of her battle with the terrible disease, Angelo documented the beauty of their relationship, even through the extremely rough times. The series was recently released, and it pulls no punches. There are photos in this series that look as though Jennifer had no desire to shine as the subject, but the impacting nature of the whole would be lost without them. You might even feel wrong gazing this deeply into some of the private scenarios.

We have selected a handful of photos, but the waterworks will really flow if you take a second to scroll through the images from start to finish, in chronological order, here. It’s much more beautiful than it is sad.

The photos humanize the face of cancer and capture the difficulty, fear, and pain that they experienced during the difficult time. But as Angelo commented: “These photographs do not define us, but they are us.”

American Cancer Society Celebrates the Holidays

American Cancer Society

The American Cancer Society is celebrating the holidays with a special partnership.

"I have cancer. The cancer doesn't have me. Worrying about it is not going to change it," said breast cancer survivor Karen Gaskins.

Karen Gaskins says the American Cancer Society is easing some of her worries.

"I can't say more than it is wonderful," said Gaskins.

Winn Dixie and the Hope lodge served dinner to about fifty cancer survivors and their families tonight.

The grocery chain's district manager says the partnership is very humbling.

"With the busy time of the year, everyone's into gift giving and they're into buying their food and we're very busy ourselves. We're blessed with those sales. When you come down to the Hope lodge and you spend time and talk to folks who are going through in their lives a little something different, it is very humbling and makes you think about what's really important, hold your family a little closer and spend a little more time at home when you should and maybe the things back at work aren't as important as we thought they were when we got here today," says Winn Dixie district manager Todd Greene.

Greene says he wants to expand the partnership with the hope lodge to do events once a month.

Will It Ever Be Me?

I know for me even writing this is so not right. But that is how I really feel. Or maybe it is just how things comes back and bite you in the ass when you constantly keep pushing them away. As terrible as I am feeling, the happiness for someone I really cared for still lingers on.

I took a short trip down to KL to meet up with someone I really look up to. Since he was in town having his gig, and also he really wanted to see me, I flew down from the north to KL. Even thou it is a really short 18 hour trip, everything was worth it I guess.

For the longest time, I just have to be me, and talking to someone who really knows what you are going through. He is more than a friend to me, he is a mentor to me in the industry for many many years. And he is also a cancer survivor.

One thing that really sinks into me is when he ask me how was I. And my answer was just one simple word. - Sinking. That is how I really feel like every day. As much as I didn't enjoy talking about my cancer all the time, as much as I wanted it not to be there, but that exact feeling I knew that he could understood. And his answer was just as simple as the question was. 

You have to sink, it is part of the process. You are just human. I went through that, I was at your place last year. 

Comforting much? I don't really know. It as just.. nice to know that somewhere and someone could finally understood the physical and mental torture that I have to keep fighting off every day. I am really happy that my mentor is cancer free right now. I am really happy that the war is over for him. 

But there is one thing I can't ignore, the feeling I have inside. That envious urge to wanting to say that four wonderful words, "I AM CANCER FREE" Wanting it so bad, every good energy in me seems like wasn't enough to put on a good front. And the next thing I knew, he sat over next to me and held my hands,

Ricky, you and I know this is normal to feel. That "wanting" is stronger than ever. Channel it to your music, bring the colors into your life, like how I did. No matter we are cancer free or not, it shouldn't have stop you from what you always do. I know nothing I say now will make you feel better, but just remember that you have everyone here with you that knows how you feel. The ACS Family will always be there. 

I wanted to just smile and say thank you, but nothing came up. And for some reasons, all I feel that I am so broken and I just really wish someone would really fixed me up. But will it be enough? Will I see the world like how I really do now?

My blog's nickname is "My Cancer, Music, and Life Blog" for a good reason. Nowadays, these are the things that mostly define the quality of my existence.

• Cancer, and it's effect on somebody who follows my blog, is a daily occurrence.
• Music, has never flowed from me at a higher rate and I've never been more productive.
• Life, has never felt more rewarding.

Will Love Be Enough?

We're Under Pressure, 7 billion people in the world tryin' to fit in.

Keep it together, smiling on your face even your heart is frowning.

This first verse shot me right away at the place where it just felt so right. I have been listening to a lot of different kinds of music to get ready for my next project. I am still looking for a place where it feels just right. To be able to connect. And taking a step back on what I am coping now, there were so much changes in a short period of time. 

Not that I am surprise with the twist and turns that life throws at you, but it doesn't made it any easier every time it happens. There are so much in life that is like a big bag of mysteries that will soon be uncover one by one. Just when you think it is over, another wave hits you at your face. 

Well, on myself, keep on living and fighting to be well isn't a choice to me. So, I am not gonna talk about myself on this post. But what hurts most today is when my BFF text me. He wasn't able to digest what was happening to him. This isn't something new to me as I have a lot of close friends in my life that is facing such pain. My best friend's partner was tested positive. But my friend was negative. I know that this isn't new to me but it is sure not easy every time it happens. They have been together for a year plus now I think, and this is such a big blow to my friend. I know that many would wanna know how it happened, but to me what is important is what life has to offer ahead. I know there must be so much emotions he is going through right now. Fear, Anger, Betrayal, Pain, Love and Confused. All these could eventually consume him up from inside. 

I don't know if I did the right thing that I told him that no matter what answers he needed isn't gonna changed what had happen. But for now, at least at this very moment, he gotta take action on what had to be done. It was clear to me that he cared very much for his partner even though he has a millions emotions flowing in him. For now, he had to make sure his partner is being treated and start on medication and all. And secondly, his partner should inform all his previous sexual encounters that he is being tested positive and they too should go have their test. That is the most important thing and the hardest first step that one has to take. But he needs to do so. 

To me, it seems like living back a dream when I knew Mr D was tested positive. But what hurts me most is how much pain D went through. And until now, it has been nearly 2 years now and it isn't easy for him. I am proud of him on how far he progress and all I have ever concern about D is just his happiness. Cause no matter what the circumstances are, happiness is something everyone deserve to have. That that is all I wanted for D. 

I really don't know what more I can do for my BFF or even to try to make him feel better. It feels like everything was being stripped away from him in just seconds. Being naked, being vulnerable. And there was when every melody in my mind went blank. Writers block again.

Anyway, on a happier note, I am so proud that Pia Toscano and Jared Lee are having Unplugged Live at The Cutting Room NYC in Nov! What makes me happier is they have been constantly supporting American Cancer Society (ACS). When I got a text this morning from my ACS family that these two amazing souls will be doing this, it really warms up my heart. From the first time I saw Pia sang at the live shows at AI, I knew this girl will do amazing things. Jared's style of writing is always an inspiration to me. Keeping in current and also personal. These two are just amazing. And really, a big thank you for keep supporting us. Especially to Pia, being a part of your team on the last Relay For Life at Howard Beach NYC, is just amazing. Thank you for raising all the money to keep this program going.

Final Chapter : Life, Death & Cancer

After months missing in this series, I guess it's just time for me to finish up this final chapter. To all the survivor out there, you will never be alone. Reach out, Celebrate, Fight and Remember. The last chapter will be about Life, Death and Cancer. Sounds something dark and gloomy? But I can pretty much say it isn't.

"I’m once told my family that I don’t want anyone pounding on my chest or putting tubes down my throat if I stop breathing. I just want to go naturally.”

It’s usually not the act of dying, but the quality of dying that’s the biggest concern at the end of life. Most people who come to accept dying as a natural and normal part of life do not want to prolong the process when it won’t really change the outcome. But thinking about a good death is not something most people do. Some people want to stay at home and have hospice care there. Others choose to go to an assisted living center, a nursing home, or an inpatient hospice program. Some are in the hospital and want any treatment available to keep them alive as long as possible, no matter what their condition might be. Again, you should make the choices that you feel are best for you, your family, and your situation.

The goal of any cancer care is to give you the best possible quality of life. This is a very personal issue. There are ways you can be sure that your family and your cancer care team know what’s important to you and what you want to be able to continue to do.

At this point think not only about how you are going to live the next few months or years, but also try to think about and prepare for how you’re going to die.

If you are someone who has experienced or is experiencing a disease for which there is no definite cure yet, like colon cancer, sometimes you have to make some of the toughest life choices that there are. You really have to rethink a lot of things and examine just how much your life has been changed by the blow that was just dealt to your by fate.

You may curse at whomever you want and blame all sorts of entities for your sickness and wish that someone else got the damned condition that you are now suffering, but the reality is you have to face up to what has now become your life and you may need to revalue a whole lot of things. Things like how you go about your daily activities and how it is necessary for you to make sure that you would have a longer life than the complication would initially give you.

You may also have to let your vanity go, especially if you have qualms about losing your hair to chemotherapy or getting scars that may not really look well when you go to the beach if you undergo a surgical procedure to have the tumor ailing you removed. If you look good but you're going to die in the process then that is your choice and no one will begrudge you for it. It is, after all, your bed and you will have to lie in it yourself. However, if you want a shot at living and if it means that you have given up aesthetic beauty to do it, would you rather live without hair then die with your gorgeous hair. Meds that make you bloat. Up to 70% of your initial weight. But it could drastically drop within days. You will always be in that position where you always see yourself and hating what you are going through. But could we really let go of vanity? Truly letting it all go?

You see, it all comes down to what you want most in life. A thing like this radically changes a person's life. It turns all of their plans inside out and throws a really big monkey wrench in the whole thing. In the event that you do get it all out of your system, you might suddenly find yourself in the midst of a relapse of the disease.

Well, I am not saying this is the worst thing that can ever happen to someone. But base line is I have seen far more worst than mine. Why am I writing all these? Cause somehow I am forcing myself to face facts that I am running away from. Somewhat glad you flew in to be with me again. But practically, I am starting to feel that the wave of emotion tsunami is coming somehow. I am just trying to get myself ready. But how long have it been now? Years and years, and still, accepting this is always something I am running away from. But the least I know for now, I don't have to do it alone.

There is one strong thing I believe that I have to say here. To all the surviving ones and those who are still fighting with cancer. There is one thing I've learn in years is that death isn't a thing we human can make that decision for. Yes no doubt there will come to a time when your doctor will tell you how much time you may left. But one thing I learn from it is they are human. They are predicting what will happen and prepare you for what is going to come. But do remember this

Live your life they way you wanted and don't give in a second to what those words are. They are not the one who will tell you when you will die. As a survivor all these years, one thing I learned is life is something worth living and worth fighting for. When your time is up, there is only one person who can make that call. And we all know who. 

There will always be your up cheery day, and there will be the gloomy once. But everything will rise, and it will eventually past. Don't let anything define what life is about for you. Define your own path, and walk your life the way you want it to be.

The End.

Before I end this Live Today With My All Series, I really wanna say this, without the cancer team and family at ACS, my family member, my love ones, I would never take this step to finish up this. No doubt it is hard, but it is something worth fighting for. Don't give in to cancer. Stand tall and tell the world you are a survivor. You guys were my inspiration and strength all these while. I really hope you will not give up fighting too. And to all the ones that kept me company through out my journey, thank you. (You know who you are) With all these support and love, I know I wouldn't need my mask anymore.