As shallow as this sound, vanity is somewhat still plays a big part of every human life. As much as I didn't wanna admit that it matters to me, but it does. Till this very day, even I may have come to peace with my condition, but it still bothers me very much as time goes by.
After reading two of my favorites blogs by these two amazing young chap today, the feeling of going back to Malaysia is just kinda unbearable. I know I have the most amazing love ones, friends and family to be there for me. But the thought of blending in is just too overwhelming to me. They got one thing right, they have a certain group of people they wanted to be in. The superiority and the cass system that has been created. I do feel out of place most of the time.
Everyone wanted to be in some way they wanted to be. It isn't wrong at all. And I know all of them worked hard towards it and I applaud them for their hard work. But the thing for me now that it isn't about aging gracefully, but how to not evolve into that person I wouldn't even dare look at in the mirror. I know Leo realize that. He did FaceTime with me almost every day. And I know he just kept doing his best for making me not feeling that way. Even the lighting excuses does work sometimes.
But even no matter how hard you tried, you will still fear for that day to come. This is something inevitable towards all CA patient out there. The fear of how others will see you, the fear that we take in when we look at ourselves. How can I go through this gracefully? I know Zombie & Dumdum always says I under appreciate myself. I haven't love myself enough. But what is there to love when you look in the mirror and you don't see yourself anymore?
I kept a smile for all those years but I'm so sick of finding my tears. This is for every time I let it go, all of the nights I spent alone. It's been too hard to hold back the pain. I'm just tired.