Waiting Game

I sit here, and wait. I'm waiting to see if the lab work on Monday will give us any indication as to what's causing this. We wait, because it's mainly a process of elimination to figure out what the hell is going on inside my body. Some of you may have guessed that no news isn't always good news, especially in my world. It's been a rough couple of days - I'm not going to lie.

My lab work wasn't good. My CEA is up to 25.something. I can't even remember anymore. And, the more acute issue that I wasn't even aware of? My platelets are dangerously low.

When I went in to meet with my Dr on Saturday, it was pretty obvious we had issues. When they all walk in with "that look", you know it's not to share good news. While we are concerned that my CEA has spiked (which I hate hate hate hate), the platelets is a bigger issue. Typically, your platelet count should be at 150k. On Wednesday, mine were at 13k. They were pretty surprised that I was still standing. After some discussion, it was decided that I would have a transfusion of platelets, with the hopes that it would boost my numbers and jump-start my production.

As luck would have it, that didn't happen. The platelet transfusion was simple, about a 90 minute process from start to finish, once they had the blood type-and-screen done.

Decision was made to wait until Saturday (yesterday) to take blood again, to make sure my numbers bounced back to normal. I think we all assumed that my numbers would rebound.

When nurse walked in yesterday and said my Dr. would be in momentarily, I knew things weren't good. She let me down easily. My platelets were at 3k. 147k below where they should be. I didn't even know what to say. I was shocked. I had hoped that the numbers would rebound a little, not drop by 10k in 4 days.

To say I was upset would be an understatement.

During my meeting with my docs yesterday, it became pretty apparent that this is a huge issue. And, it's not just the fact that the numbers are low - the big concern is WHY the numbers are low. There appear to be a variety of reasons, which they are investigating.

They took 10 vials of blood from me yesterday (for a variety of tests, including 6 for a single send-out test to another lab). 10. I jokingly said that, if they stopped taking blood, maybe my numbers wouldn't drop so much. I don't think they found that funny, but sometimes humor is the only thing getting me through these obstacles.

I got a call last night that, after my transfusion yesterday, my numbers rebounded....a little. As of last night, they were up to 11k. It's better, but no where near where they need to be. And, apparently, my now my hemoglobin has dropped. I'm not even sure what that means, or what the next step for that will be.

This whole thing just sucks. I want to be mad, but there's nothing or no one to be mad at. That's very frustrating. I want to have some control over what's happening, even if it just means that eating something or taking something or doing something could help boost the numbers. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to help my body do what it's supposed to do. That's infuriating.

I sit here, and wait. I'm waiting to see if the lab work tomorrow will give us any indication as to what's causing this. We wait, because it's mainly a process of elimination to figure out what the hell is going on inside my body.

I asked my Dr. yesterday....what happens next. She doesn't know. We had a brief talk about continuing with chemo, which seems to be doing more harm than good. That was a hard conversation for both of us to have. Don't get me wrong - I'm not giving up. I'm just voicing what goes through my head, and wondering where we go from here.

This just sucks. My platelets are being douchebags, and I can't do anything about it. I hate that.

I'm learning to come to grips with the fact that I can't go to KL, and I am missing you very much right now. Cancelling the trip sucked. It's just another reminder of how awful this is, and how little control I have over what's going on inside my body. And at times too, I can't help to ask am I even doing right by you for letting you be here with me. I am just so confused and I have no idea what else I could do. 

Thoughts And Love

I am thankful with everyone that who wrote to me. From friends to all the survivors out there. I think one thing we have in common that is we know that this will be a very lonely and tough path to stroll through. I am really sorry that I haven't had the chance to sit down and write back to all of you one by one. 

I promise once things are better, I will take the time to write back to each and everyone of you. I am just thankful I have all the blessings and prayers from y'all.

1. Nancy Nelson March 18, 2015 at 11:11 pm

   You are a survivor and such a trouper Ricky!!! Things will get better with time.

2. James and Susan Heldstab March 19, 2015 at 1:00 am

   Rick this is great that you are posting a blog. Our thoughts and prayers are with you! Keep up the faith:)
3. Darcy Fredrickson March 20, 2015 at 12:33 am

   Eric, so sorry to hear your news. Heard of your surgery and hope that all is well. You are a survivor and things will get better they just take time. Be patient and let your partner help you along the way. Hoping to see you out on that bicycle sometime this summer.
4. steven lambert March 21, 2015 at 1:08 am

   Sory to hear about the cancer .Hope everything turns out for the best.I AM SURE IT WILL.To help things a long I wll say a prayer for you.
5. Sue Cody March 24, 2015 at 1:20 am

   Hi Ricky,
   Wow so sorry to hear that you have to fight with this awful disease. Can’t believe it came up again so suddenly. You are a strong man and I know you will be able to kick this. You are a survivor alright! Hope to get down to see you sometime soon. Will you be doing treatments also? Keeping you and your family in my prayers.
6. Willis Lee March 25, 2015 at 2:12 am

   Glad to hear everthing is coming along for the best. I feel that you are a strong fighter. Follow the Doctors orders and pray and every will be alright. Willis.
7. Julie Monson March 25, 2015 at 4:36 am

   Hi Eric,
   I heard about the cancer from Jason. I’m so sorry you have to go through this AGAIN, but with the Lord and Leo on your side, you can face anything. You’ve always had a great attitude and I’m sure that your sense of humor makes it easier for all of you. Kevin & I have been praying for you. 

   Julie
8. Sister Barb March 26, 2015 at 12:55 pm

   Need an update, even though I talk to you somewhat regularly

   
   
9. Ilka Flood March 27, 2015 at 11:34 pm

   Hi Eric,

   I am so very sorry. That must be a scary feeling. You know, medicine has advanced so much in recent years and from what I read chances of surviving this form of cancer are pretty high when it is caught. So keep thinking positive!

   You are in my thoughts and prayers.

   Ilka
10. Steve King March 27, 2015 at 11:57 am

    eric, i am a computer idiot. finally found this to reply to you. i don’t think my emails to the frontier deal are getting through, also, i clicked on the contact button and sent you something in there. i hope you get it somehow, it was really good stuff, ha, ha.
    thinking of you all the time. read your “Live Today With My All Series” you are a very inspirational person.
    nothing can help you more than your attitude and you have the best. just wanted to let you know i’m trying to reach you dang it! guess i could call but never know when is best and my fingers don’t fit into that rotary dial anymore.
    take care and prayers are always being said.
    Steve
11. nick catricala March 27, 2015 at 2:12 pm

    Hey Eric,
    thanks for all your automatic emails messages about airliners… I am exploring your blog here and I come across this page… HOW ARTE YOU DOING these days? My wish is that you are doing well in every way and in the event that your health side is not going as great as you want… please connect with me… I have some info that may be of interest to you in regard to colon cancer (nothing to buy…)

    Thanks again for all your messages and look forward to chat with you in person soon.
    _nickc

    
    
12. John Rollow March 28, 2015 at 6:56 pm

    I just happened on your site here in the group and noticed the colon cancer tab. Where are the posts on your process with that?

    I am a colon cancer survivor. Spring 1996 diagnosed, had surgery, followed by chemo and radiation therapy. Have a colostomy. But healthy and cancer free (at least from that one).

    I’ve also had a heart attack and now diabetic neuropathy. And my life style keeps getting healthier and healthier as I learn more about what a healthy life style really is (altho my whole life was a pretty healthy one).

    Best of luck. Keep posting.

Time, Losing and A Relapse

Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.

- Marianne Williamson

Anger & Fear - Part 008 : March 25th 2015



I'm not afraid of moving on and letting go. It's just so hard to say goodbye to what I know. Especially when you know you have everything to lose. A relapse shouldn't be like a big deal any more after so many years, many may think.... But the fact is, it was never easy to even understand what went wrong. There were so much going on inside, that sometimes you feel like it is near impossible to even wanna let it all out. I'm looking out from the crossroads, and I wanna take a breath and close my eyes. But what makes this time even harder than the past? 

When my oncologist called and told me to come in, I already had that sick feeling in my stomach. Few weeks ago, when I see bruises on my arm, or under my armpits, bleeding while brushing my teeth, or just nose bleeding out of no where, to many these are just harmless occurrence that happens all the time. But these are the markers and red flags for me. I went back to her and she told me that there is nothing to worry and my stats are looking good. And now she said I needed attention immediately. I don't even have a week to think about when is the best time to start treatments. I lost it.. I told her she screw up.. but is that enough to make it go away?

There are things that we have in life that we wanna hold on to. There are the people that you never wanna let go. But at times like this, everything went into a grey area. I use to be clear of what I wanted. But what do I want? What can I do to make everything better? For him and also family and friends? I can't put myself in the right place to see what is next from here. 

I know this will never be over soon. But what can I do..... I wanna hold forever..... I don't wanna give in..... but what else can I do.... 

Thai Airways to End Cargo Services and Downsize its Aircraft Fleet

Thai Airways is making major changes to its services and aircraft fleet. Restructuring within the company will put an end to its freighter operations. Next week, the airline will launch its final two 747-400BCF services.

The company will also stop A340-600 services. Four A330-300 aircrafts will also be decommissioned. By July, Thai Airways hopes to sell 22 of its aircrafts.

The stoppage of services and decommissioning of planes comes amidst a series of losses for the company. The Thai carrier has approximately $5.9bn in debts (the highest in the region) and has seen 7 straight months of losses.

The company’s restructuring is being overseen by Thai Airways president Charumporn Jotikasthira. Charumporn is expected to cut capacity by 20%, sell non-core assets and reduce the fleet size from 101 to 77 aircraft by the end of 2015. As part of the downsizing, the company will be phasing out A340s and 747s. Plans to close routes to Moscow, Johannesburg and Madrid have also been announced.

Thai Airways was once a leader in the cargo market, but the company has stopped and started its freight services multiple times in recent years. The carrier was the first to use a 777F in hopes of returning to freighters. But its losses are partly due to the fact that air freight exports have declined. BFS (Bangkok Flight Services) stated that exports were down 4% in February year-over-year.

The decision to stop cargo services gives other competitors, like Hong Kong’s Cathay Pacific, an advantage. Cathay Pacific is investing heavily in cargo despite Thai Airways and IAG stopping their services. Other airlines, like AF-KLM and Singapore Airlines, have decided not to re-invest.

While Thai Airways has seen consecutive losses, Cathay Pacific has seen an increased profit of 20%. Cargo revenues were up in the middle of 2014, which provided the company with a strong fourth quarter.

9000th Aircraft Delivered By Airbus

Airbus celebrated the delivery of its 9,000 aircraft, with the milestone plane an Airbus A321 going to Vietnamese carrier VietJetAir.

“The delivery of our 9000th aircraft comes as we enjoy ongoing strong demand for aircraft across our product line,” John Leahy, Airbus’ Chief Operating Officer, says in a statement commemorating the occasion. “The range of aircraft we offer today is unrivalled, meeting every airline requirement from 100 to over 500 seats with maximum efficiency, uncompromised comfort and broad customer appeal.”

“We are especially pleased to be delivering today’s aircraft to VietJetAir, which is a rising star in the fast-growing Asian region,” Leahy adds. “With the A321, VietJetAir will be able to increase capacity on its most popular routes while benefiting from the lowest operating costs of any single aisle aircraft.”

Airbus delivered its first commercial passenger jet – an A300 – in 1974. Today, Airbus’ commercial passenger jet line-up includes the A320 family, the A330, the A380 and the new A350.

Several older aircraft models are no longer in production, but still fly for major global carriers. Among the most-notable is the four-engine A340. Airbus ended production of the jet in 2011, though the A340 still flies for major carriers in including Lufthansa, Thai Airways, Air France, Cathay Pacific, Virgin Atlantic, Swiss, China Eastern and others.

Airbus’ landmark 9,000th delivery comes just two years after it delivered its 8,000 aircraft, which came in August 2013. Airbus says it now delivers more than 600 aircraft a year today, a figure that Airbus says “is set to rise further as the demand grows.”

Etihad Flies Boeing 787 Dreamliner to United States

Etihad Airways is to start flying its Boeing 787-9 Dreamliner to the United States from Sunday.

The aircraft will be used on the Abu Dhabi carrier’s daily Washington DC service.

“As the most technologically advanced aircraft in its class, the Boeing 787 will reduce the operating costs and carbon emissions on our Washington DC route and provide maximum efficiency and reliability,” said James Hogan, Etihad president and chief executive.

Etihad’s first 787 Dreamliner took to the skies on February 1 when it departed the UAE capital for Düsseldorf, Germany.

The new 787 interiors feature eight First Suites, 28 Business Studios and 199 economy smart seats.

Etihad To Deploy A380 To New York

Etihad Airways will fly its new A380 to New York JFK from December 1.

The superjumbo, which features the Gulf carrier's three-room The Residence suite, will be rostered onto flights EY103/102, one of two daily Etihad services between Abu Dhabi and JFK.

Outbound flight EY103 departs Abu Dhabi at 0255 and arrives in New York at 0840, while return flight EY102 leaves New York at 1500 and lands in Abu Dhabi at 1230 the next day.

Etihad's A380 can accommodate 498 passengers, with 417 in economy, 70 in business class, nine in first and up to two in the aforementioned The Residence apartment.

James Hogan, Etihad's president and CEO, said: "The United States is a strategically important part of Etihad Airways' growing global network and as a result of increased demand from our guests travelling between New York and Abu Dhabi, and onto the world, we are pleased to upgrade one of our two daily flights to an A380.

"New York marks the first US destination where we will introduce our industry-leading A380 aircraft products and experience."

Etihad unveiled its A380 in December before rostering the aircraft onto its London Heathrow and Dusseldorf routes. It plans to fly three daily A380 services to LHR by the end of this year.

Asiana Airlines A380 Coming To New York

Asiana Airlines is bringing forward its A380 service to New York JFK to May 28.

The South Korean carrier had been scheduled to introduce the superjumbo on the route two weeks later.

The service will initially operate three-times weekly on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays before turning daily on June 28, again two weeks ahead of schedule, reports airlineroute.net.

Outbound service OZ222 will depart Seoul Incheon at 1030 and land in New York at 1130, with return service OZ221 leaving New York at 1325 and landing in Seoul at 1635 the next day.

Asiana is also moving forward its B777-200ER service between Seoul and Los Angeles from July 14 to June 28.

The airline launched its inaugural long-haul A380 service to LAX last year.

Most Advanced A330 Rolls Out In Delta Air Lines Livery

New higher weight A330 variant paves the way for the A330neo

Just four months after entering the Final Assembly Line, and less than two months after its maiden flight, the first 242 tonne Maximum Take-Off Weight (MTOW) variant of the A330 rolled out of the paintshop in Toulouse, France in Delta Air Lines livery.

This first, new higher weight variant of the A330-300 is powered by two GE CF6-80E1 engines and will be delivered this year to the new variant’s launch customer Delta Air Lines.

Delta Air Lines is a major Airbus widebody customer, with 32 A330 Family aircraft (11 A330-200s and 21 A330-300s) in service today and 35 more on order (25 A330-900neo and 10 A330-300). In addition, Delta has equally 25 A350-900s on order. Delta also operates 126 A320 Family aircraft (57 A319ceo, 69 A320ceo) and has 45 A321ceo on order.

The A330 242 tonne MTOW is the platform for the future A330neo and offers more capability at lower operating cost with a range extended by up to 500 nautical miles and up to two percent reduced fuel consumption while also benefiting from today’s A330 operational reliability of 99,4 percent. The 242 tonne MTOW is capable of flying missions up to 15 hours.

Source: Airbus

I'm Sorry I'm Not Sorry

Someone to fight for
Someone to die for
Someone whose arms will hold you tight enough to be
The reason you breathe

 - Matthew Koma & Kelly Clarkson
Anger - Part 006 : March 10th 2015

I believe everyone has experienced this before. A surge of anger, frustrations, and also desperation. As much as I wanna brush it off, sometimes, I somehow let myself drowned with it. I wanna deny that but I know that it wouldn't be right. It isn't a bad thing to let it flow.

There would always be a question if it was any good at all to let the emotions run all over. I wouldn't say that if its a good thing or a bad thing all together. I am human after all. These few weeks has been a lot going on. There is this sick feeling inside of me that I would wanna suppress. Yes I am desperate. In so many ways, I just wanted it to just go away. Things changed. I needed to adapt. I needed to move forward. I am afraid, I am scared.

Is there a safe side so I don't get hurt? There are these factors around me that made me wanna run away. But every time I thought that I am in a bad place, somehow the reflection of the ones I love around me. Mr D got screwed over by the hospital. I wished I could do something to support him emotionally, but I know it is one thing I would never able to do.

Yes, we share the ideology of death. We share that burden that makes us us today. But I can't deny I changed myself. I am now loved by one. Of course my priorities somehow shifted. I won't deny being in love makes me forgot that I have cancer. I am thankful for that. He always makes me feel like I am just me. Not the man who lives with cancer. We have goals, and we planned for our future. I know that planning for one isn't really a practical thing to do. But what do we got to lose right? We know we have each other right now and that is all it matters for now.

I know that life never throw things that we can't handle. Maybe at that time, I didn't know. To be honest, after so many years, I can't even truly understand the life living with cancer. But I know that all these emotions makes me who I am. I feel the pain, I feel the love. I am not being looked in a certain way, I am just me. I see death as a companion, I see love as my guide. I see loneliness is a phase, and care is a blessing.

Anger, frustration, and desperation... It is just some emotions that comes along the way. I just needed to hold on to what I have and move forward.
Sorry, I am not sorry for having cancer.
Sorry, I am not sorry I am an addict.
Sorry, I am not sorry that I face death in this manner.
Sorry, I am not sorry to believe what I believe.
Sorry, I am not sorry for saying what is on my mind.
And sorry, I am not sorry for loving you. 

Tightrope

This period of time is usually therapeutic. I am actually very proud and happy that after 3 whole years, the record is out. There are some of the track I have heard, but there are some that I haven't listened to it. The final product, was just like another healing path for me.

Life has always been kind to me. Yes it wasn't easy, but it wasn't cruel either. Time to time, you adapt towards every step you take. We evolve. Dreams and hopes comes true. Some were dashed, but that is the beauty of life.

For a certain time in our lives, we all been through that dark times. Things doesn't goes your way. You feel lonely, you feel you have no one there to hold on to. I wouldn't say it was an easy thing to overcome. Cause the fact that it is not.

I know at times, I would distant myself from everything when things are going south. When I tried to talk to a friend, it naturally just create a wall for you and you would just shut down. There are so much frustration. But maybe we might die trying, but I've learned.

We usually will see the dark side of the world, we feel like we are on a tightrope. You turn, but I stay straight. We are so messed up and tangled. But the only thing we wanted is to just be in your good graces. There are people around me that are fighting for their lives, there are some that are fighting for their love to go on, and there are too those who just wanted things to be what they wanted and just giving in to everything there is just to feel.

I am not judging, I am not assuming. To me, there are people who will stay in your life, and there will be some that comes and goes. With what life has given me, I strive for simplicity. I would be there to hear a dear friend vent. I would be there for my love ones regardless. But I will not just stand there waiting for things to happen. Life will keep going and with the condition I am living with, I wouldn't wanna waste a single second of it just to wait.

A very close person in my life will go through surgery next week. Things would be easy if the circumstances were just that, but no... Like I mentioned, life always throw you a curve ball.

Life is short? You only live once? Those phrases doesn't work on me. Living with terminal cancer, it is a whole crazy experience. You wouldn't do things that would just doesn't make sense to you. And I wouldn't say life suck. I found someone I really love, I have a group of people that understand what life is about, and I have a team of wonderful and magical individuals with supreme gifts. I am learning to love again, I am learning to live again, and I am learning to write music again.

I was asked how music is for me, but there is no words at all I could put down to describe. Writing to me is an outlet. Producing and arranging is revisiting all those times we have in our life. And listening to it now is just therapeutic in many levels. And the rest is just a part of life you once remembered.

No one could take that away from me. That is something that is apart of me, and it is just how I walked on the tightrope. You may die trying, but you will know that you have your reasons. There will come a point, you will stop asking why the world or why the people around you are in a way that you thought they were. But in fact, they are always just there waiting for you to pull it through. No one will be able to fully understand that physical and emotion torture you are in, but we are just always there regardless.

The world isn't that cruel. It is just sometimes, our mind is playing around. I love how my life turns out to be. Yes, it isn't perfect, but it is a bloody damn good one to grow and understand how things could be. So far, I manage to walk through that rope on the other side.