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Friday, August 6, 2010

Black Hole

I am trying to comprehend a lot that had happen these few weeks.
To all the readers who send me mails, I am still well here and thanks for your concern.
It really meant a lot to me with all the support given.
But in many ways, I would want everyone to know, I am not seeking at all of any attention from anyone out there.
This blog like I have mention many times, It is a place for me to throw all my emotions out here and let go of all the negative energy out of me.
But still, I am thankful of all the lovely thoughts of everyone.

I am not seeking professional help from Dr Phang, a psychiatrist in KLGH.
But all the medication doesn't seems to work on me. And with my new life all alone in KL,
I can't help the fact I am running away from reality.
Everyday when I start a day, everything seems fine. When I open my eyes, I am still not use by waking up alone in a strange environment where everything is in a mess.
But I know, I have to go on. Life ain't really good for now.
But I am seeing everything in a good way.
But somehow I am still running away from reality.
I numb myself with my daily activities. But when I am back at home at night,
There is where the black hole comes into the picture.
I felt sharp pains going through my heart, like knifes cutting through me again and again and again.
The loneliness, the emptiness, everything sucks into me.
I am really tired. But I don't know how to overcome this.

A friend somehow told me something.
Maybe you are torturing yourself in a way you hope that you can suck in the pain to lessen the pain from the person you love.
It doesn't make sense to me at first, but somehow, now, I really see what that means.
I was hoping I could take in all the pain than two people suffers.
I really do not know what else I could say anymore at this point.

I have convey my love to my baby,
I am remorsing from my mistakes,
I am changing to be a better person,
But what I can do, I realise I can't take away the pain you are going through.
Cause I know my pain is still so fresh. how can this just end everything.
Every heart beats now, It is all just pure pain.
I really wish, I really wish.
If I could, I wish to suffer for the rest of my life than you suffer.
No doubt, I love you. But I don't know you anymore.
Or I should say, you don't wanna let me know you anymore.

What you are going through deep down, I could understand.
I could feel every single thing.
But on the surface, everything seems so unreal now.
And I slap myself in a way, I am in no position to say anything anymore.
I still miss you very much. I hope I can recover. I hope I can be well and happy too.
But I wouldn't lie to myself anymore.
I am embracing my pain. I have to because, I know the answer I have in my heart,

I still love you very much Baby J~
* Squeezing Elmo in my hands *

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Live to love and love to live. The motto that I held on my entire life. Just a regular guy who loves what I am passionate in life. A song writer and producer. Living life on the move. From Malaysia to The States, New Zealand to Singapore. With the companion of great people in life. In and out from the music industry. Taking everything one step at a time. 
Eric believe what Eric says~ Cuz Eric is God~