Will It Ever Be Me?

I know for me even writing this is so not right. But that is how I really feel. Or maybe it is just how things comes back and bite you in the ass when you constantly keep pushing them away. As terrible as I am feeling, the happiness for someone I really cared for still lingers on.

I took a short trip down to KL to meet up with someone I really look up to. Since he was in town having his gig, and also he really wanted to see me, I flew down from the north to KL. Even thou it is a really short 18 hour trip, everything was worth it I guess.

For the longest time, I just have to be me, and talking to someone who really knows what you are going through. He is more than a friend to me, he is a mentor to me in the industry for many many years. And he is also a cancer survivor.

One thing that really sinks into me is when he ask me how was I. And my answer was just one simple word. - Sinking. That is how I really feel like every day. As much as I didn't enjoy talking about my cancer all the time, as much as I wanted it not to be there, but that exact feeling I knew that he could understood. And his answer was just as simple as the question was. 

You have to sink, it is part of the process. You are just human. I went through that, I was at your place last year. 

Comforting much? I don't really know. It as just.. nice to know that somewhere and someone could finally understood the physical and mental torture that I have to keep fighting off every day. I am really happy that my mentor is cancer free right now. I am really happy that the war is over for him. 

But there is one thing I can't ignore, the feeling I have inside. That envious urge to wanting to say that four wonderful words, "I AM CANCER FREE" Wanting it so bad, every good energy in me seems like wasn't enough to put on a good front. And the next thing I knew, he sat over next to me and held my hands,

Ricky, you and I know this is normal to feel. That "wanting" is stronger than ever. Channel it to your music, bring the colors into your life, like how I did. No matter we are cancer free or not, it shouldn't have stop you from what you always do. I know nothing I say now will make you feel better, but just remember that you have everyone here with you that knows how you feel. The ACS Family will always be there. 

I wanted to just smile and say thank you, but nothing came up. And for some reasons, all I feel that I am so broken and I just really wish someone would really fixed me up. But will it be enough? Will I see the world like how I really do now?

My blog's nickname is "My Cancer, Music, and Life Blog" for a good reason. Nowadays, these are the things that mostly define the quality of my existence.

• Cancer, and it's effect on somebody who follows my blog, is a daily occurrence.
• Music, has never flowed from me at a higher rate and I've never been more productive.
• Life, has never felt more rewarding.