After That Time

Day 1

Eric... Eric.. Keep it together, you can do this. Stay with me Ric..

Eric... Eric.. are you there? You are here now. There is no avoiding it.

Where?

First step, reminiscing and retracting.

I don't wanna get up.

That's fine, you can lay here all day. You can cry all night, you are allow to do all the things you promise yourself you never allow yourself to do. Like to watch an old video call just to hear his voice, or wished he messaged you. Just you know he is thinking of you too. But at the same time wished that he wouldn't, cause it would only make you miss him more.

You know you shouldn't, but... you text him. Maybe even call him. You'll fight it, but you'll lose. You watched the sappy soap series, it's cliche, but go ahead, eat from the carton.

I miss everything about him.

What do you miss?

How steady he felt, when I hug him tight,  the way he would rest his chin on top of my head, how reassuring it felt when I just snuggle in him. That look in his eye when he accidentally ate the last crisp in the Pringles bottle. The way he kisses after his shower, it make me quenched at the time, but now it just makes me smile.

I miss it all.

That's ok, you are allow to. You're suppose to. It's ok to look like crap and don't care. Who are you trying to impress anyway? You see him?

Everywhere..

It's ok to purposely avoid all those places and things. You just wanna be alone. Your friends wanna talk, and taking you out, but.. all you want is...

To shut off all the lights. crawl up in bed, and cry a little more...

Your friends try to help, by saying..

You can do so much better, fight it...You've come such a long way.. Fight on.. Don't give in..

I don't wanna hear any of that... It doesn't help at all. I just needed back my life.

Or.. do you just miss the thought of him? You missed the routine, comfort, the body, that's all.. right?
Now... at this point, you just miss him.. And that's okay..

Day 5

Eric... Eric... Are you there?

Yea..

Do you wanna get up?

Actually.. I do. How long was I there?

It doesn't matter. All it matters is you're ready.

For the next step, Release.

I'm hungry...

I think you can put on some effort to put something on to look sorta decent.

And what is that?

Tie up your hair? or shave it all off before the side effects kicks in? cover up all the scars and put on your nail protector. Not too much?

Call up one or two close friends to catch up. You are ready now to talk about what you are going through. But this time, with a clear head. You might see beautiful things in life, but nothing stirs inside your heart. It's okay.. The world is different now from where you stand. You will for a while, but at least the urges to check up and not wanting to get up from bed is less frequent. You just have to learn to suppress those urges now.

How long will I be here?

As long as you need to be.

Day 8

I'm ready. The next step, Rebuilding.

One day becomes two, two becomes a week, weeks become months, and soon you are ready to prove to yourself that you can live on. You actually wanna go out. Socialize, meet new people, you talk, laugh, flirt... Yes.. even flirt.. or whatever you call it in your head.. It's a while, you start smiling again.

You start doing things towards a better version of you. Trying out new things, going new place.. Start cleaning out your wardrobe,you start to see life without it. until...

Eric... Eric... You made so much progress.. Ric please...

It was not a thing I wanna keep remembering, but it is impossible for me to forget what I am. I keep that as a reminder of what life means and what has left.

Yea.. it is..

It was, and it always will be..

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, some things can hold you back from moving on. A lingering memory, a false hope, or the cold truth in reality. You'll fall back a few steps..

Day 15

Renewed

The world is brighter, happier, lighter. That huge weight of pain and fear has been lifted. Well.. kinda.. All you feel is hope. Hope of what's to come. Hope for the possibilities. At this point, it's not about finding the peace with what's in me. It's finding who you are as a person. As a human. It's only when you don't have to consider anyone else, and you can focus completely on your life. And creating the best possible version of hope for yourself. But there is no harm reminiscing about that pain and fear. 

There was a moment weeks ago, I just can't hold on to anything. It was just gone. I've won, and I've lost. A journey where you see joy and regret. It is the only thing you could hold on to. Having cancer is like having a blessing and a curse at the same time. The way you see things and do, the way you wanna give that hope. Even if it wasn't for yourself. You know that you are a part of that memory that wanting to make that change. 

There are things I have to give up, there are things I need to let it go. It's not easy, but I keep telling myself it's gonna be okay. The wants in me is a distant fantasy I can have. I just wanna be just fine. And it is always you. 

You are still the favorite place I wanna run to, and so many reason I could give to just not care and have everything to myself. I miss being normal. I miss all those moments, I don't have to think about any other factors to my decision. It was simple and easy. Given that chance, I wish to have that one more time. All the choices we just choices everyone has. Nothing more to fear, nothing to be unclear at moments. That was a story of mine I once had.