The Day Of Reckoning

In every life, there comes the day of reckoning. The time that unsettle scores demand their retribution. And our own lives and transgression are finally laid bare. Forgiving is the only way to our freedom.

Just moments ago, I hung up a call from a very close friend of mine. Talking to her at that very moment made me realize no matter how strong a person could be. There will still be times that we gave in to our very own fear. Thinking back the moment after a show of hers, she just drop down on the bathroom floor scribbling while her tears flows down her beautiful face. No one was able to talk her out of that moment. All I could do is sit outside of the door waiting till she could stand up again.

A lost family is a pain where the heart piercing through our body. A lost of a friend is like having a body without a soul. But losing love is a moment where there isn't any body or soul left. The whole world crumble down and nothing seems able to stop it. I listen to her voice with silence but only my breathe accompanied her. For the first time after a long time. She gave in to herself. Letting herself go and feel all the pain she was denying of it.

No one will ever see her like this. She was lost, she was in pain and she was wanting a soul not to judge her. She was someone who will fly almost any where for me. All I could do now is giving her a little peace.

I'm doing my best. Underneath my best game face it's still not always easy. I have my demons and they are powerful.

She particularly repeated this. I know and I feel every bit of that emotions everyday. Wanting a little strength to hide that part where no one will see or understood. I felt her loneliness grows. At this very moment, you came into the picture. Thinking of all the things and emotions you are going through. I wish sometimes, I could do a little bit more to make you feel safe and loved. But in so many ways, I look at you at a distance. Seeing you go through things in life and every step you have taken. All I could think of if I would have that courage to tell you how much you meant to me. How much you have shown me the life I have missed. How much I could love. Even now, the nearest person of understanding this pain is the one I just hung up on the conference call. I felt her pain, I felt  her loneliness. I felt her soul shouting that she is tired.

I wish I could do that too. I have been putting on my best game face too these few weeks. And I have been running away from my own demons. Now what I am left with is just my demons around me. The only thing that I couldn't run away from.