Dark Shadow

Many are being haunted by shadows. But in darkness shadows goes away. What if there still is a shadow in the dark? I wonder somehow are there reasons for me to overlook that part in life. In many many ways, a lot out there thinks that I am blessed. Yes I do not deny that. I am really being surrounded with many that loves me and supports me whatever it takes. The question lies when darkness filled and a shadow that stands beside you. A part of life that no one would able to relate and understand.

This post isn't about how dark ones life is or how bad life is treating me. But acceptance. Somehow, I never forgive myself for all the mess I put myself into or the pain I have caused myself on to. There are parts of life, I felt I am being sucked into this mist of constant changes. It wasn't really bad as it was years ago yet it is still a form of pain.

Yes, I wanted so much difference in life yet I still can't do it. No because I can't but just as the situation doesn't allow us too. I stayed up nights upon nights blaming myself, beating myself up again and again for not giving in to the beauty of what I couldn't not change. I suppose sometimes, it is just human nature. We wanted the best all the time. And we tend to forget we will never have the best. But what we can do is making the best of what we have. Till now, looking back at moments in life, I still am having so much rage upon myself. Not standing up and kept quiet about many things and swallow it even I myself couldn't take it. But it was only me to blame.

For years and years, sometimes, I wish life would be a little bit kinder to me to take away all the pain and let me go. But I have overlook that life has been very kind to me. Giving me the chances to still breath and live a second chance. Maybe it is just me expecting more. I know so much in life that I have given in but I also have to face the fact sometimes, people are just people. I am very confuse at this point. Sometimes, looking at the faces that were familiar but have no idea at all what are the things behind their smiles.

Reconnecting at the moment with all the things I have missed in life, but it was just pure selfish wants. Sometimes, those are the things which are far beyond my control to do that changed. But I am glad that all the things that has been happening to me. A surprised from batman that put so much love in that record that you just released. All I am able to say is only you know what am I gonna be and where am I gonna go. No one would understand me like you do.

Do I blame myself for not being able to be well? I can't lie. Yes I do. Till this very day, I felt really bad to MK. A friend who was pure supportive and all. But whenever we wanted to catch up, it hits me and my body just collapse. I know you would understand. But just sometimes, I wish I could be better. Even now, Junior is in my life and changes everything that is. But in the back of my mind, I couldn't help it to notices the signs. I know I am selfish here for ranting all over here. I know that many of my friends who are facing worst than me are being caught up with worst situations. I wish I could do more. I really do. But it was not something I could put up to. I have to hold on and go on with it.

A turning point in life, a new career and a all new life that I am going through. But under the red river of grief, underneath the depths of my sins, I am holding on to a great guilt. A guilt to myself for not loving myself well enough. Feeling for the first time being so exposed and naked at the edge. But it has forever changed into another form of emotions. Looking at something that is still close to me, I felt that it was the only thing I could possibly understood that love would keep me going. Whenever I see you smile, it brings so much joy. I wish I could make a change with all I have for you. Maybe not this life I suppose.

Looking at the time, I suppose I should be sleeping instead of writing all the emotions that has been build up inside. I guess that sometimes, fearing of a shadow that lingers in the dark isn't the solution. But accepting him as an old friend who will be there no matter what. A shadow that lives within darkness.