Grief

They say grief comes in five stages, first there is denial, follow by anger. Then comes bargaining and depression.  For most, the final stage of grief is acceptance. But for me, grief is a life sentence without clemency. I will never accept and I will never forgive. But grief is a merciless master. Just when you think you are free, you realize you never stand a chance. Then I accepted it. And I forgive myself. The only way to let go of the grief that was held inside.

In so many ways, I came to another beautiful part of my grief that I was holding on. Within me, I feel that sometimes, I look forward to things that are intangible. At times when I thought of me getting well and being to live with a normal life. But could I really? Sometimes, I feel that I am too optimistic I suppose. But I wasn't giving in to the fight. I know I should not rush now.

Being said of this, it brings me great moment that brought me to my grief. I guess this part is something no one would really could relate and understands. It wasn't a matter of choice to live within a past. It isn't about not wanting to move on. It isn't a decision of mine to be made. So, I would say to my friends, the best thing to do is not doing anything and let me go. This is a ghost of mine that I need to face on my own.

I am pretty sure for the past week I have put on a lot of smile over those I cared and love. But I know I did put some tears to those I didn't meant to. Sometimes, I was being inconsiderate. Even knowing the inner pain within that was forging but I just went on sharing another part of my own pain. But I knew that you understood why and knowingly how I didn't meant any harm.

Sometimes, I do not know it is a curse or a blessing for me living in such way. I wish there are more I could do. But at the same time, I needed to accept there are things I couldn't as well. The only grief I had was in me. Something that I held on and no one would understand that. No one would. I learned to give in to the merciless master. Accepting that it was a thing I couldn't change. A past and a memory that will live on.