Just Tired Of Talking

Somewhat now and then, I know it is out of concern, but really at this point, I am just tired of talking on my condition. It is something I couldn't choose about or could control. It is not something I would just forget and think it is okay. I just choose not to talk about it. And somehow, I really don't feel quite comfortable talking about it sometimes. Beside Mr D, I kinda like just brush off the topic every now and then. Even like now, I was hyped up in the morning, and hours later, a pain attacked followed by a fever. Everything is like a roller coaster. What can I say about it? Nothing at all. I just have to go with it.

Why Mr D? I dunno, maybe that is what we really able to share and understand. I just dunno how to put this in words. After a long time, especially after nearly 7 years now, I am kinda like tired about it. When it comes, I filled myself with it. When it goes, I just let it be. I wish I could have better control of it but that isn't my call to make.

Sometimes, I sit here and think, beside the pain that the body is feeling, what else could I talk about? Yes, till now it is still hard but I am still progressing at my own pace. I have my family with me too here and believe me it is harder than anyone would think it is. It is really hard sometimes when you have the family here. You know all they wanted is our well-being. But sometimes, we forget that they are human as well. They also have emotions. And the more you see theirs, the more you would hide yours. I know that they will say I don't have to hide and all but common, being real here, they love us for everything we are. My family accepted me. I am well out and open to them and all. And I could say that I am blessed to have them. But the more you love them, the more you just don't wanna see how hurt they are.

I don't know what am I actually talking about here. I just missed my friends and all. But yet, whenever that "How are you now?" is out, I just shut down. I dunno. I miss Shinigami at the moment. I know that now is a very tight and busy time, but I just wanted to let that mask down somehow. I wish I could. I wish.

Anyway, I know all these crap should just be shut aside and I know I will pull through at least for today. Waiting for lunch now. Somehow, I didn't really enjoy the wheel chair as much as I thought I would. Especially in public in this city. Just felt outta place. Yet, trying to put everything behind and trying not to think at all. Just wanted to have my quiet lunch and get over with it.