Suffocating

Out of no where, I drown myself with old memories. I have been feeling relatively weak these few days. The inflammation is back and the whole body hurts so much. Somehow, yet again I am at that point asking the same old why why why... ...

At a moment, It attacks me out of no where. The dark times were like literally there yet again. Those blackout times. The time when letting myself being lost and all. Trying to put on that face where everyone seems to think I was alright. And I relatively have to accept that how much I screwed up that 2 years being numb. It will be one year soon ever since I sober up. But why I still feel that fear? The fear that was always haunting me. Those dark hours, it was like something surreal. I asked how long more would I have to live like this.

I have 19 more dosage to go from here. But could I possible do so? The body is reacting to the meds. The inflammation is extremely painful to me. And leads to viral infection, fever, and muscle cramps. I feel terrible whenever the pain starts to hit me. Yet it was nothing words could explain.

I know positivity is the key, but in the long run, I am still a lay person. Yet, at this point, I am totally lost. I couldn't feel anything, I couldn't move a single limb without any pain. How am I gonna go on from here?

And today is mums birthday. All she did was kissing me on the forehead and look at me. I suppose without writing, everyone somehow would know how that feeling was. I really wish all of these didn't happen to me now.