The Creation

At points where sometimes things just couldn't be explain about how you feel and how to wanna deal with it. I guess I am now yet again at that point. I have been really trying to be optimistic for the past few weeks but it only lasted for like 9 days. But somehow I just couldn't deny that that I am just trying to run away from myself.

I wanted to let myself go sometimes but I just am the way I am. I tried to relived the moments that could possibly help me but I really wanna find that way out. Memories, the sensations that flows through the body. The pain that is just going past every limb in me. I wish I could find that possible way to end all of this. But like I say, sometimes, it just ain't enough for me to do this alone. I wanna just break free.

I trapped myself at this cage that I have build from within. But how do I break free? Somehow I wish I knew. It is like a way for me to keep myself from. Like a fort. The emotions that kept stirring and stirring. All I feel now is just wanted to shout out and ask everyone to give it a rest. The more I am trying to be alright, the more I am not. The more I am trying to be ok, I will just keep pushing myself further into turmoil.

Sitting here at the wee hours of the night. I wish I could really turn things back to where it belong. But will I be able to? I thought that all that I have now would be probably nothing to what I am now. A jerk maybe or worst. Somehow, there will come a time when we look at ourselves and say, "Hey, why should I be ok all the time?" I am tired of being that chirpy one all these time. I wish I could be like this city. Or I should rephrase, we are all like this city. It looks rich and all. But somehow on the inside, an old soul that no one would ever see unless they live with it. Looking what is around me, every turn at every corner, there is a touch of what the scars looks like. It is all around this city. A beautiful yet misunderstood one. Maybe to many, I don't really make any sense but when you feel it, it is just too much and so rich in culture and life.

Someway in many ways, I just couldn't really understand my own feelings right now. Thinking the time I was in New Zealand, everything was simple and beautiful. But everything changed after I came back. But I have no reasons to be mad or anything. I told myself, if it didn't happen, I would not have all this souls in my life now. Especially yours.