11th Month

Looking back at the beginning of an end, I am pretty glad that so far it has been 11 months now I stayed clean. I am having a lot of physical pain and I couldn't go to sleep. It is nearly midnight now and reading back all the old post here. In many ways, I am kinda proud of my achievement and determination I have made so far.

At my dark times in the past, I was relatively a coward. Wanting an easy way out of the emotion turmoil I caught up in. The easiest way is not to feel at all. How? Drugs. At times, I am still mad. Mad at myself why didn't I have the courage to face what I was in. Yes, no doubt that drugs was able to help me in ways that I myself couldn't imagine. But it wasn't right at all. I put myself in so much danger. Thinking back, I hate that person. I was reckless, relentless, and irresponsible. I didn't care what were the consequences, I put myself in so much danger and I really didn't care much. When I came to a point to tell my parents about it, that face I see was out of words to describe. I really let them down.

But looking back, I knew I couldn't change the past. But I could change my future. Feeling empathy towards the victims (Friends of mine) of it, being enslaved and caught up with many social illnesses, being put on the record, and all. I could say I was lucky enough to hold myself and at many occasions, I was purely lucky. I don't know why am I writing about this at the moment, but with all the physical pain I am going through now, I just feel like pouring everything out.

To be honest, I somehow still have that urge once a while. But I found a way for me to hold back and say no. It was and has been a great strength for me now. Sometimes, it felt funny that why am I so paranoid about this. I guess the heart could only do when you really wanting to help without wanting anything in return. Somehow it helped me. I knew there are people I put my lifeline on as a bet. But they have their downfall too. But what more could I do if they were to fall of the path? I don't know but somehow that faith I have for that person was really strong. No one is perfect. But a heart to a heart, we don't need words to explain why.

Somehow, what I really wanted to say is I am happy with my streak for staying clean. I hope I really had put an end to a that. 11 months and counting. And I am really sorry to waste the time for my readers to read such crap. Just wanted to take it off my chest. Good night.