Seriously! Fuck You Cancer!

I always try to see the very best part of life has to offer. Perks of having cancer after so long. You tend to just shut down every single thing that don't really affects you. But what will you do when the tables were turn? 

Living with cancer is one thing. After you have accepted the fact that you are living with cancer for so many years, for the best and worst of things could get. I am thankful for the part where life has been very kind to me. No doubt there are times where it was really bad. But when you are just comfortable with what things are to be, things changes all over again.

There are a million questions running through my head right now and I can't even seem to get things right. The constant change I have to be prepared of. I know I would sound really stupid by saying this but when too many good things happened around me, I get terrified. In fact right now, I'm shaken to my core. My gut feeling is telling me one thing but the reports are telling me another. 

For the first time in a long time, I really do wish that nothing has changed. Maybe for a little while longer. I am afraid of losing everything, I am afraid of going through all these alone. I know being remission is great, but it is still too good to be true. These 7 years hasn't been all smooth, but I can't say that I am suffering either. 

So yea, FUCK YOU cancer! It's though screwing me over isn't enough, now you wanted to turn up a notch to spice up my life a little? I am happy. I accepted the fact that what my life could be living with it. I just wanted some peace of mind. I do not wanna worry. I do not wanna be in constant fear. I really have too much to lose. I am not ready. I don't even know what life could be after this. It's too drastic. I needed time. I don't even know what's going on in your head. I don't even know what you are thinking. 

I'm.... Lost... Just sometimes.. I wish life has an easier way to deal with. . . I just don't wanna lose anything at this very moment..