Layers

7 years 2 months and 4 days since my diagnosis. It just feels like you have been stripped from every layers you have in life. First it was the innocence, then the integrity and at last, the strength.

Things do get better in time. But there will come a time when nothing you do that will make it better. Reading back a lot of my previous post, I am blessed with so much opportunity to keep on fighting and things do get better. But the question now lies with will it be the same for this post too?

It feels like an ultimatum. I guess the last time I felt this way was just before I accepted the fact that my life has totally changed and all I could do is adapt. But will adaptation take place here too? 

Being stripped down naked and feeling vulnerable is one thing, but when being stripped of the will and strength, all I could feel now is fear, tiredness, numbness and constant agony. The news didn't came out of no where. Somehow, it has been a bonus as a matter a fact. But why do I feel time isn't enough for me? 

What more I could do? What more I could have to fight on? There isn't anymore procedure that could relief me from this fear. There ain't anymore medication that I could take for my body to react differently. I feel like I am being drained out. Every layers I have on me were peeled off and what is the next step for me? 

Living could be easy, adaptation could be easy, acceptance could be easy. But facing the inevitable, this is really something very new to me. No one ever prepare me to face this. No one could make me feel better no matter how much they try. No one could take it off my mind. What more could I do? What more could I give to exchange for time? What more could I do to have the strength back? What can I do from here?