Holding On & Letting Go

Whenever people says Rock Music, the thing usually pops into their mind is just noises. But does it really means that? I've devoted my life to rock music. It's a really big part of me in many levels. In these recent few weeks having my time off, I realize that the more I wanted to write a hit, the more I drifted away from my roots. I remember I tweeted this years ago.

Music isn't just some melody I wanna write about for people to love. It's just a part of me I wanna express and share it with the world. That is what music is to me. 

But now, where am I standing? Everything seems out of reach to me. Life is kind to me and I will be damn if I think other wise. But why the more I am having right now, I feel like the more I am loosing it. The only person I really wished to hold right now and tells me it's gonna be ok is on the other side of the world. And when I pick up the phone to text, all I could key in was, "I miss you" and a quick reply "Silly boy, I miss you too. XOXO"  And I just left it where it was.

I have been avoiding to write for the past few days. Just keeping myself busy on my work. But the more I wanna keep myself running away from reality, the more everything seems to be building inside. For one little reason, I won't be going under the knife any more. Somewhat with the reason that I wasn't fit enough to go under anesthetic.

The more I am telling myself I am ok, the more I don't really believe myself. Is anybody out there? Is anybody listenin'? Does anybody really know it's the end of the beginning? The cry a rush a one breath, Is all we waiting for? Sometimes I want my taking, but changes everyone before. Sometimes we're holding angels and we never even know. Don't know if we'll make it, but we know i just can't let it show. Some prayers finds answers, some prayers just don't.

What is there left for me to pick it up? I have even tried unconventional drugs( Ain't those I was doing ). It does seems working well for now. Cytoxin is like a miracle for me. But the question is just how long will it be this time. All I am left is just time. Maybe it just is.