Fighting Addictions

Once again, here I am standing at a point where I question myself again and again. It is like a never ending war with myself. Not that I do not appreciate what life has given me, but being in the music industry, it is just a part of it. The sex, the drugs, the people around and all the crap of what others may throw towards you.

I love what I am doing, and I know what are the pros and cons being in the music scene. But the question now lies with how strong my will will last. Being a recovery addict, it is just not easy at all. 26 months now, being clean, I still just wanna screw myself over again.

Maybe it doesn't really make sense to many, but all I wanna do it just keeping myself clean. Surrounded with many who does cocaine, meth, heroine and weed, how long more can I stir clear from all these? After recording, they just doesn't seem to really care. They would just cooking it in front in your face. The next thing you know, they pass you the bong. I am not judging them, I was in that spot once. To fall off the wagon doesn't seems like a hard thing at all to me if I am being honest to myself.

You were always my anchor to sustain myself from these crap. But you were just not right here right now. I kept reminding myself about what will life be if I took this path. But somehow it seems to wear off easily. I am starting to give myself more reasons to just let go. Even giving myself the excuses with my condition didn't really seems to work anymore.

I love doing music, and I wanted to just stay. But will it be enough for me? The lust of wanting to have it. Let it be the sex, drugs, booze or even the feeling of just being high. I don't know really how am I going to cope. Emotionally, I needed to be in this state to put life into my music. But the more vulnerable I am, the easier I would fall off. 

All seems so messy for me right now. I just want it to stop. I just wanted you to be here right now. Tell me that it will all pass and I will be ok. I need to know we are gonna be ok. I needed help, and I am still fighting to just being on the right place.