All For Nothing

28 months being clean and now, it is all for nothing. I didn't know where would I even begin, but one thing for sure, no matter what I will be saying, it is all excuses. 

Grams had a bad fall last week and I guess those nights staying up taking care of her is where I actually begin to give in myself to the idea of doing it again. As much as I wanna say that it is awful, but it actually felt so damn good. The senses, the urge, and the sex, it was all so damn freaking good. Maybe I was off from drugs for that long, the first puff already put me in a good place.

I do think the sex could be better, but what can I say? Partly it is just that part of me wanted back that feeling I use to have. One week now after I took that dose, and relatively the after effect of it wasn't that bad after all. The usual paranoia wasn't there, the lost of appetite didn't even happen. The only thing happen was the tiredness kicks in after that few days without sleep and having sex excessively. 

But what made wary is after using it, I don't feel guilty at all. That part kinda made me thinking, what was I thinking? It took me 28 fucking months just to stay clean and there I was didn't bother and just did it like that. If for those regular chem users, I can't speak for them but for me, I was an addict. I'm not just a regular user, but a daily user of 1.8 - 2.5grams. Yes I didn't use that much this time round, it was just 0.5grams for me while D wasn't using. 

He asked me one thing that got me off guard. "You seems pretty much in control, why did you think it is causing you problems?" I didn't answer, gave him a kiss and.. You know what happen from there. Anyway, being in control isn't like abig deal but the thing about meth is, when you in control, that is where you start to fucked up your life.

But the good thing is, since last week till now, I didn't have the urge of wanting to do it. I can't say anymore, cause I know, an addict will always be an addict. But for now, I suppose I'm still in the clear of it at the moment. I missed it? yes without a doubt. The part of me that heighten my senses, being to connect easily and the urge of giving in was just something I haven't felt for a long time. But besides that part? I really didn't wanna fucked up my life the way I use to. Being in my 30s is a new start for me, and I really didn't want it to be like what it was in my late teens and twenties. 

As for the sex part, yes it was crazy awesome. Hadn't been that easy and crazy for me for a long time.