For Some Reasons

2.47am. Looking at the window while sipping my hot choco. I wasn't as tired as I was anymore. Playing through my old songs, and reflecting all the bits and puzzle in my life. Every stumble and fall I have taken, it is just so much clearer on the things I wanted in life. So many of them are those which I will never have.

Playing a role always make things easier. 28 more hours, I will be turning 30. A big part of me didn't wanna make it a big deal out of it. But somehow, I can't look at myself the way I did. The only thing I am thankful for is Zombie and Leo. These two somehow manage to put me in perspective and it made sense of just giving it a go.

I have a little giving up living inside. Not for the wrong reasons. Many things changes through out the past few weeks. But as things were to become, the more naked I felt, the more I am afraid to move on. There are more things now that made sense now to me. Rejoicing all that have been given in many ways. But the question of that "loneliness" that arise and fall from time to time. It is the only single thing that really does bothers me sometimes. Maybe like what Mr D told me, it is a feeling and we can't just cut off what feelings were. But of all the choices that lies in front of me, which path I wanna take from here. The new and the old.

Even the snow makes everything looks sad. The things we hold on to our heart, the things we fight for. The more Manhattan looks like a place where all broken souls comes to mend. But what we sometimes don't realize is that it is all already change.

I wish that is a way, that I will never able to miss a single thing in life. All I really wanted is just that calmness. That place where beautiful endings comes into reality. No battlefield to keep ourselves so defensive and strong. Everyone tells me that I am strong enough to pull this through. But the question just lies with me. The tensions will be broken. We keep holding on that little part in ourselves. Until peace will come. For now, eye to eye we face our fears.