A Memory Keeper

Lately, I have been having nightmares, where I'm cut into so many pieces that there isn't enough of me to be put back together. It is the things you cannot see coming that are strong enough to kill you. I have been running away from everything that is crumbling in front of me. Surviving skills I suppose. It doesn't take a whole long life to realize that what we deserve to have, we rarely get. Been talking a lot to dumdum this few days. The thing is, I am just the same vase that shattered long time ago.

There are some things we do because we convince ourselves it would be better for everyone involved. We tell ourselves that it's the right thing to do, the altruistic thing to do. It's far easier than telling ourselves the truth. Being somewhere right here, it is like being on an island where there isn't anything else but blank hope. Blank faith. And those moments were the thing that made us wanna be in that realm alone.

I didn't want to see him because it would make me feel better. I came because without him, it's hard to remember who I am... There are always sides. There is always a winner and a loser. For every person who gets, there's someone who must give. And it is all seems worth living for. But what else could I do to make it better? We aren't talking, we hear each other now, but we aren't listening to each other. Right before I left KL till I am now here in Paris, everything seems like it was all wrong from the beginning. I will never understand ya pain D. But I am trying really hard to make it better for you. Or maybe, I am just trying to hard. Seeing him there unresponsive makes me realize that silence has a sound.

Do you know how sometimes, when you are riding your bike and you start skidding across sand, or when you miss a step and start tumbling down the stairs - you have those long, long seconds to know that you are going to be hurt, and badly? It felt that way right now. Hope? Choices? Where can I go from here now? Nothing really matters right now. I know sometimes it's disappointing to know that someone can see right through you. But a real friend isn't capable of feeling sorry for you.

I'm lonely. Why do you think I had to learn to act so independent? I also get mad too quickly, and I hog the covers, and my second toe is longer than my big one. My hair has it's own zip code. Plus, I get certifiably crazy when I've got PMS (Metaphorically). You don't love someone because they're perfect. You love them in spite of the fact that they're not. Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them. I get it! I just have no idea how to reach out any more sometimes.

Time passes, but memory can be captured.

Honestly, we all are in pain. Physically and emotionally. Being to love and having a love that is yours. To hold on and let it go when it is time. Everyone goes through this part in life. Love isn't just something about two souls found each other. But that mutual connection that bond everyone of us. From friends, to family and the one we love. Being thankful is what I wanna be. And I am still learning despite of everything I am going through right now. Maybe being in my own writing bubble doesn't help me much.

If you have a brother and he dies, do you stop saying you have one? Or are you always a brother, even when the other half of the equation is gone? Losing isn't something we grief upon our entire life. But giving in to that memory we have. As much as you wanna hold on to that bitter sore memory that someone has left this world, you are still in it. A big part of us will always want more from life. But we always get what we rarely wanted instead. Maybe who we are isn't so much about what we do, but rather what we're capable of when we least expect it. And clearly you know who I am talking about right here.

Yes, I have been hiding myself away these few weeks. But like I say, it is just part of our defense mechanism to keep moving forward. The only thing now I have, is just this melody that is in pieces. Just wanted to pick them up and put it all together. And this is for you love. You will and always be every part of me.