Am I The Only One

And I try not to think about dinner for one

Close my eyes and pretend that this house is a home
Cause I've got to believe
I'm not the only one

And I try not to dream about finding someone
Who might share all the reasons why love hasn't come
Cause I've got to believe
I'm not the only one

And I keep all my hopes from clouding my eyes
Keep my distance, my chin up, and talk with a smile
Cause I've got to believe there's more than barely

Empty and crawling
Wincing and falling
Back into this skin
Said I'm leaving
It's not what I wanted
The will I keep on

Breathing
Be the only heart beating
There's nothing worse than just feeling
The weight of walking alone
Tell me
I'm not the only one
I'm not the only one
Am I the only one?

I could relate how much this song meant to me. In the library years ago and till today, still kept it. I am trying to let go of myself. But still, I couldn't come to peace with myself. Maybe, I just didn't wanna understand it myself. I wanna get better and I know no matter how much I shout and yell, it ain't gonna be. Not any time soon the least. 

For some reasons, I couldn't face a single soul right now. I didn't feel like talking. But I didn't wanna be alone right now. It is like a war I am fighting inside. And in the end, I chosen solitude. I am tired all the time. I am tired of the bleeding and bruises. I am tired of the constant pain. I am tired of the sharp pain within and now I have to cope the pain from the surface. 

All my mind was just getting myself lost in my own world. But where can I find back those gates? The more I am looking, the more I stood at the place I was. And if that isn't bad enough, it reminds me of every pain that I could feel. I know, pain is inevitable, and suffering is optional. Yet, it is easier said than done. I just couldn't feel what is right any more nor which way I should have choose to go forward. 

I just wish all would be over right now. The more this is holding on to me, the more I am losing my will to keep fighting on. I couldn't see anything any more. And nothing feels real now to me. It is fading, and I wanna fade in with it. But could I really? Could I? I wanna be alive again, but nothing seems real. Besides the medication that I am consuming, nothing feels right at all.