A Glimpse Through A Vivid Past

13th June 2009

A night where I couldn't ever forget. Somehow it was the most beautiful moment in my life ever. Remembering to every point, leaving a card and rose for you to follow. Celebrating that wondrous night with you. It was just a perfect night to be shared for two lovers. Spending with your close friends and the one you use to love. I remember clearly it was so beautiful and real till this very moment, I still feel your presence and love. The moment you saw that cake and that smile. It brings so much joy to the person who loves you most. I still remember what we talked about that night. Saying that it was the most beautiful moment we could have. To grow old together and be legends. But that wish was short lived. 

I was talking to someone I love very much today. And I did mention one thing. I have to live with that guilt forever. Because I was an ass to ruin everything. I didn't realize how great a man you were till I lose everything. I have given in to lust, given in to my desire, my cravings. And there was the moment you asked me twice but I choose the other option which left you broken and the time for you to leave. 

The most painful moment was after months, you were screaming at me asking why did I left a hallow in your chest. The moment we were apart, there was the most vivid pain in my life. The pain was excruciating and nothing could compare to a heartache. Tonight at this moment, reliving this moment was mad. I have to say till this very day, I am still not ready. We can run, we can hide, but it will still haunts you in the very end. I was searching the sound of your heart beat. I was looking for a sign of life. Nothing was alive after you left. The only thing that was holding me was guilt. I indulge myself more in a form that I never wanted to be in. 

And as time past, I realize there are a thousand ways for us to break. But you were a great man. You cut yourself totally with me. Which I really have to thank you for that. It was the best thing for me. And I made me out alive. Yes, we have moved on. But have I forgive myself? I am not sure too.

But as tonight comes, I realize that it is the right thing for it to come. Let it flow through me. I know I am not alone. Thankful that Mr D who is always there. With your empathy I realize I will be able to go through this. It is the right thing for me to do. All these pain made me who I am today. And what is more important that the lessons learned. A guilt I have to bring on my entire life. I wish things could be easier and wish that I could move on. But is moving on the question? It wasn't but it lies at when should I forgive myself for everything I have chosen. Realising the past post of mine, I hurt the person I love most, and I hurt myself. I still miss you dearly baby J. But maybe not this life. You paid your dues. Time for me to pay mine now.