Stay With Me

At this very moment, I still felt nothing at all. Maybe it takes some time for it to settle in. Feeling your passing is something I didn't see at all but I know no one is able to conquer death. Acceptance was the only thing we could held on to. I still do not know how I feel at this moment. I really don't. All I could feel is like without you now, everything is just different. I felt naked and I couldn't possibly relate to that pain everyone is having now.

Maybe acceptance of death is way much easier for me than anything else. To me everyday living is a blessing. I can't stop it or make that change about it. But one thing for sure, old memories flooded me. It isn't like walking down memory lane. It is like being push to that moment in life that we are trying to get over with. I do not know getting over with is the right word to use. Or I should say that trying to live with that memory and coping with it from time to time.

Sitting there with Rainer tonight, showed her a few new tunes that I wrote and there was one thing she said, it sounded right whenever you let your emotions overpower you. I know it is not an easy task but it is something you do best. While I was waiting for my ride earlier, all the memories starting to flood in. And I realize it is 12 more days to your birthday and 22 days marking the 3 years mark of losing you totally in my life.

I would be lying if I say I do not miss you at all. I know that it is just a button for me to iMessage you to ask for your well-being. But I know after all these, we both we broken. Even that we both are not together any more and you moved on ever since. Sometimes, I do ask myself is it a blessing or a curse for me to hold on to this. But what the hell with it. I know that because of you everything I am is being mould into today.

Repeating Kelly's Because of You for Shinigami version, I realize how beautiful that tune was. It was totally a different emotion and all. I never played this song ever since I got it till tonight. Looping it on my iTunes. And maybe like the song is being convey, I am still afraid and I learn from everything we had and lose. Crying with the same damn thing and feeling the pain that lasted this long. All the emotions were real. And because of you I am afraid. The most painful moment was seeing you walking away with your back leaving behind everything with that closure. At that moment, I realize nothing is more painful that a heartache.