I would be lying if I say that I've fully accepted what I am or how I am. From time to time, you will be asking a lot of questions like how long more will it be? or even when will I be like those survivors shouting out loud that they are chemo free? Maybe it's just one of those really worst days you get after treatment. I wanted to feel that everything will be alright again. But like what people says, you can fool the world, but to fool yourself, that is just one thing that could possibly break you. I know optimism is one thing, but we can't really brush aside the fact that sometimes, the life we are living is just pure side by side with fear. It isn't a bad thing at all sometimes. Fear, after all is just a very primal state of human emotions. From the very start of humanization till this very day, it's just a part of us that we have to accept. I know partly that this is just the way life is.
Being bald now isn't really a new thing to me. But to be able to put myself out there, it's just another story. I realize that on my Facebook or even Twitter, I never really posted how I look after treatment. I would be lying again if I say I don't know. The fact is being a CA patient is one thing, but to put yourself out there like that would be another story. I know it has been a long time now, but yet, I am still taking baby steps. I know that the overwhelming support and love were given to me, and I do really appreciate that. But at times, the ones that I do wish it was from will never be there. Instead, judgement, pity, or even the most hilarious reasons you can think of will just arise.
I know I am just being paranoid or something, but all these emotions are just too overwhelming for me to digest right now. Or I would say, I don't wanna accept it at this very moment I guess. But I have to say, the support from my love one and my besties are just the source that I needed right now. They just know how to put that big smile on my face and stop thinking of things that I shouldn't even be thinking of in the first place. And thank you Dumdum for flying in to just get me through this. I wouldn't even know what I could be if you weren't here to remind me that it's just okay, not to be okay.
I came across this very meaningful quote today.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
I guess with everything I learn in these years, everything just made sense. And there is one person out there I really have to thank, Baby J. Without everything I have been through, I would never really know what loving is all about. Thank you for letting me grow.