Balance

Everything has a balance. In what we feel to what life has given us. And everything now seems like a beautiful mess to me. From all the physical turmoil to the the endeavors emotional ride. And balance is one thing I always believe in. For some reasons, with everything that is happening at the moment, there will still be something good to lemme smile on. 

Many asked me the same question and I just didn't know what to do with it. Maybe I didn't wanna face it. When you have too long of a good thing, it is somehow hard to just let go of it. Believe it or not, it was almost 5 months I didn't experience what I am going through now. I guess it is one of the longest period in my life since my diagnosis for me to just live like how I always wished I would without worrying it will be back to haunt me.

At the cross roads, you just can't stop wondering how or what do you wanna do. To my readers that haven't heard about this, I am being invited to my first major award show in the music industry. It is like after so many years of hard work and it is finally paying off. But now, why all I can think of is if I attend, I will be a freak show. Without any finger nails, without hair, pale skin, a lot of make ups to hide everything that stamps on my face. 

It isn't that I am a shame of what I am. It is more of I didn't want others to think of what I am going through. I didn't want that kinda eyes looking upon me. And people walking up to me and tell me to fight on. I know all these are good intentions, I really do know. But I don't want because of this, people know me for it. 

I feel like nothing would or ever gonna be right. What I wanna do, or where I wanna be, to the things that didn't matter. Everything seems just to affect me in the weirdest way possible. I don't understand my body, I don't understand my mind. I wanted to give the excuse of "We are human after all" but it doesn't seems like possible either. And it kinda hurts. You feel like nothing in the world means anything and you just felt... alone... or I just wanted to be...

I know that all the bad will be balance up with the good. Excessive of either will just makes things worst. Either way, I am telling myself that everything is temporary. I gave everything I have. And sometimes, I just feel there ain't anything or anyone for me to hold on to. The question now in my head is where will I do from here?!