Excruciating Calmness

Somehow I just couldn't take the pain last night and I called a cab and check myself in the ward. I am thankful to the hospital staff first of all. Everything went super smooth and I was check into my ward within 15 minutes.

What makes it funny was, I had pack two different pair of socks stupidly. But that's out of the point. Honestly I don't know if I should be calling my parents or not. I am yet so far and there ain't anything they could do at this very moment right? And Imma gonna text Mr D after this post.

I really am at a very blurred state actually. Since last night, I didn't even call anyone about me bing hospitalize. At the back of my mind, what could they do even if I call them right? Or in a way I'm just trying to convince myself that everything is gonna be fine. I signed the papers and push the date for my chemo to be done today instead of end of the week.

I am thinking since the pain attacks are so frequent, why not just enjoy the pain in one shot. I know someone would slap me and call me a sadist or something right now if he was reading this. I don't know why, I just don't feel that it is a sad thing or something bad. Or am I just use to it?

I really don't know. I know my lame jokes are still lame. But the thing is I really don't wanna mourn through all these events. There isn't anything I could do to prevent all these from happening, I gotta face at the stage I am, I have nothing to lose right? Or it's the meds talking. Haha.. No idea.

I just want to be at a neutral or happy state when things get outta control. At the the emotions imma going through are the power I had over with. Just trying not to think much about it. At the moment, I'm gonna just enjoy my breakfast and read through some blogs. It's gonna be a good day.