Invisible

I take these pills to make me thin
I dye my hair, and color my skin
I tried everything, to make them see me
But all they see, is someone that’s not me

Here inside, my quiet heart
You cannot hear, my cries for help
I tried everything, to make them see me
But every one, sees what I can’t be

Sometimes when I’m alone
I pretend that I’m a king
It’s almost believable

Even when I’m walking on barb wire
Even when I sat myself on fire
Why do I always feel invisible, invisible
Everyday I try to lock my past
Even though inside I’m such a mess
Why do I always feel invisible
Invisible


Listening to this song made me feel exactly what I am. Maybe in many ways it was me who is putting so much stress on myself by myself. I made myself into a self destruct machine. With my family and friends around me now made me feel that it would be ok. I will be fine in many words. But when would be the next explosion? I see that this has became something inevitable to me.

I know the love and care that is with me, I should not fall. Especially the faith from my family. Mom and Das are the only thing that kept me going. One thing that mom said to me today, " I do not wanna lose a son " I am left with nothing to say. I know that now she is at a position that it was in the past. I really gotta just hold on. She is the only person I owe to. Risk her life to gave life to me.

I know that the part of fear is eating me up inside. It grew stronger inside me and putting myself in the end of the beginning. When Cornflakes visited me today, when we were alone, a song that really struck me. Three great singers who put this song in such beauty. Jaclyn Victor, Ning Baizura and Shila Hamsah. Three local divas who pull it through with the emotions with just simple repetition. titled "Beribu Sesalan" meaning thousands of regrets. I won't say that I do not have regrets. But I accepted that fact and part of it as it goes. Who doesn't have them, but how do we cope with it.

Listening to it now on my iPad while writing this made me wanna fly in the skies of freedom. I wish somehow it will grant me the only thing I wanted in life. The only reason I am not giving in to is that the only thing I wanted is making up the reason and definition of life.

Mr D, was always there with me while all the pain I'm facing. Cornflakes is always there to gimme a shoulder to hold on. Something I do not even have to ask. Shinigami San who is always supportive. Appearing at times when there isn't hope for me. Being that ray of light. Mr G as an angel who will come and go at the perfect time. I am being showered by all these angels and love but why am I feeling all these pain and weight within? I really do need to learn how to let go.

Within, I am the one fighting my own devil. I know what the cause but do
I have the way? I would say that no. I wish I could put an end of all the tears and pain which is eating me up. I know it's a matter of time but I will have to stand up and go through this part of life. Mommy got a point which I couldn't deny it is pulling me back. To have the faith and growing apart from my emotions isn't the only way I could put it that way. I need to start living along with this part of life. Because I choose to be invisible. Fame, money, power aren't the ultimate goal I am seeking for. But to have others guided and let them shine made me proud. I know in the end, I have done my part. I will not hold on to that part of myself giving in to the fear of darkness. I know at this moment I am not at a state of giving it a full recovery but it will take time and I understand that rushing won't help. I just have to bear it and go through it slowly.