Room For Two - Roots Before Branches

So many things
To do and say
But I can't seem
To find my way
But I wanna know how
I know
I'm meant
For something else
But first
I gotta find myself
But I don't know how

Oh, why do
I reach for the stars
When I don't have wings
To carry me that far?

I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world
For me

Sometimes
I don't wanna feel
And forget the pain
Is real
Put my head
In the clouds
Oh, start to run
And then I fall
Seein'
I can't get it all
Without my feet
On the ground

There's always a seed
Before there's a rose
The more that it rains
The more I will grow

I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world
For me

Whatever comes
I know how to take it
Learn to be strong
I won't have to fake it
Oh, you're understandin'
Oh, but when you come
And do it best
There ain't nothin'
To stoppin' east to west
I'm not sure if this is right
But I'll still
Be standing here
I'll be standing

I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world

I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world
For me

A Tear On My Pillow

When I lay and think, in my bed at night,
the day you'll arrive, seems nowhere in sight.
I toss and I turn, dreaming of you,
opening my eye's... checking if my dream came true.
It didn't, again, and a tear starts to roll,
weeping quietly... my pillow I hold.

Many sleepless nights I've prayed for you, my love.
God touched my soul from heaven above
He's answered my prayers for my partner for life to be.
I've never felt this lucky, God did this for me.
That's a question I asked each and every night.

He must think your special, Joy, and I know he's right.
No other has made me feel so complete,
my whole life was lived, just so we could meet.
All these thoughts and more going through my head.
I fall asleep not worrying, but dreaming of you... instead.

American Idol Season 11 Crowned

This hasn't been an easy season to predict for American Idol, though I'm pretty sure I did have Phillip Phillips high on my list fairly early in the season, so Season 11's Final Two didn't quite come out of nowhere. While I can't say that I would have predicted Jessica Sanchez as a contender for the Final Two a month or so ago, she's certainly proven her vocal range and control over the last few weeks, and it's really anyone's game tonight.

Last night's final performance episode was kind of a snooze-fest, with decent performances but nothing that jumped out and really got my attention. I'm hoping everyone was merely saving their energy for tonight's big show. Two hours of performances, look-backs, reminders of eliminated contestants we barely got to know, and of course, the big reveal.

The finale was typically star-studded with John Fogerty, Fantasia Barrino, Chaka Khan, Reba and Neil Diamond among the guest performers who took the stage along with the two finalists and the previously eliminated contestants for various musical numbers. I think Neil Diamond wins for sounding the best, though Steven Tyler did pretty great when Aerosmith took the stage toward the end of the episode. And Chaka Khan wins for having the tightest outfit. Rihanna performed solo, as did Jennifer Lopez later on. Both had fun with lasers.

Other filler included a tour of Steven Tyler's dressing room (there were animals involved), a blooper reel that revealed that Jimmy regularly refers to Jennifer Lopez as "Jessica," which is apparently his daughter's name. I still want him to return next season as an actual judge, regardless of whether or not he can get people's names straight.

This year, the show also tweaked the big Ford moment. Rather than the two finalists pretending to be surprised as they're presented with their very own Ford whatever's, Jessica and Phillip presented their own personal mentors with keys to a brand new Ford Escape. Gifting the car to a respected friend was a nice twist and a sweet moment, especially because the two people being given cars seemed genuinely thrilled and surprised.

The finalists sang the phone book, which was a cute segment but about as exciting as you would think. Speaking of cute. That doesn't even begin to describe how adorable Season 5's Ace Young and Season 3's Diana Digarmo were when they got up onto the stage. At first, the skeptic in me thought the whole proposal was staged. Obviously Ace had it planned for the show, but I wondered if maybe he tipped Diana off beforehand. But judging by his nervousness and her reaction, it seemed like a genuine moment for them, and a very happy one. Ryan dimmed the lights, Ace asked. She said yes. And I'd be lying if I didn't "Awww" out loud and applaud them for their adorable happiness.

After all of the performances and amusing segments, we came back to where we started, with two singers vying for the grand prize. Would it be the Dave Matthews-like Phillip Phillips? Or the power-singer Jessica Sanchez? Both have earned their place in the finale, but only one can be declared the winner.

After one last duet between Phillip and Jessica, Simon had the results and the contestants brought out onto the stage for the big reveal. After 132,000,000 votes...Phillip Phillips is the winner! Jessica Sanchez is the runner-up. Both had good runs, with Jessica facing near elimination earlier on in the season and Phillip reportedly struggling with some medical issues. It's a happy night for both of them and the end to a solid season.

明天的記憶

在我最深處 有過你祝福 

有花瓣的飛舞 

淚水的凝固 

輕撫 一路上成長的紋路 

再默讀 那些愛的倉促 

猶疑的腳步 

堅持的酸楚 

可是我很清楚 

別在乎付出 潛伏 

內心最柔軟的感觸 

回憶的泥土 讓生命有厚度 

讓明天把今天給記住 

不是因為孤獨 因為我們追求的專注 

不管它起起伏伏 

讓今天把明天變特殊 

未必因為幸福 

因為我們努力不服輸 

從來不曾退出 

回頭不可數 

被誤解的路 

現在我弄清楚 

那讓我成熟 潛伏 

內心最柔軟的感觸 

長成了大樹 

讓生命有高度 

讓明天把今天給記住 

不是因為孤獨 因為我們追求的專注 

不管它起起伏伏 

讓今天把明天變特殊 

未必因為幸福 因為我們努力不服輸 

儘管失誤 讓明天的記憶不模糊 

不是因為孤獨 

因為我們執著的態度 

不管它起起伏伏 

讓今天把明天變特殊 

未必因為滿足 

因為我們過得不含糊 

從來不曾退出

Barely Holding On

The Broken clock is a comfort

It helps me sleep tonight

Maybe it can stop tomorrow

From stealing all my time

And I am here still waiting

Though I still have my doubts

I am damaged at best

Like you’ve already figured out

The broken locks were a warning

You got inside my head

I tried my best to be guarded

I’m an open book instead

And I still see your reflection

Inside of my eyes

That are looking for purpose

They’re still looking for life

I’m hanging on another day

Just to see what, you will throw my way

And I’m hanging on, to the words you say

You said that I will, will be ok

The broken light on the freeway

Left me here alone

I may have lost my way now

But I haven’t forgotten my way home

I’m falling apart

I’m barely breathing

With a broken heart

That’s still beating

In the pain .. In the pain

There is healing

In your name .. In your name

I find meaning

So I’m holding on ..

Barely holding on to you

After

Sold
My pockets full of gold
Thought then there was something to receive
Down and burned out from the quest
The things I tried to reach just weren't real
I used to live alone
And always had the feeling I was wrong
But how could I have lied
I buried all my dreams and there was
Nothing left to hide...

Gone
The power that I've won
And yet I fight as long as rain keeps falling on me
I choosed to die alone
But either way I pick
It always feels so wrong

Leave this world by night
Nothing left behind
Trapped it all inside
Bound and weakened

Fades

Going through the motions pretending to be
The man you used to see in me baby
You don't want to hurt me so you play along
And it don't feel right, and it don't feel wrong
It just feels like a memory
Barely alive
When will we let it die

How are we gonna let go of something that's gone
Ain't it funny how a broken heart just keeps hangin' on baby
You watched me walk away
And you set me free
But I come back to you and you never came back to me
I guess it beats being lonely that's the reason why
We give it one more try

Where do you run
Where do you hide
After a promise breaks
Who'll be the one
To say goodbye
And who'll be the one to stay
When love fades

A Beautiful Love

A beautiful wedding of my best bitch and her charming hubby Muizz! Here are some pictures at the ceremony.

Bonded With Love

Yesterday was purely a celebration of love. With the event that was lined up the whole day. I was happy I beg for home leave and all to be there. It was the love of two beautiful souls and the love of what we want in life. Confusing? I know maybe I need to read more to have to write better. 

I went out for lunch with one of my big three and it was actually a short and sweet one. It was a love of a friend who love to nag me non stop. That is not the point actually. So, I reschedule my treatment to go to my best "bitch's" wedding. I head off to the mall after lunch. Was suppose to shop for the event that night. And end up I had a huge fight with my own self esteem. 

Outta no where I meet up with an old friend of mine Mike who happens to be a DJ. In so many parts of life, I kinda am thankful to have him in life. During our coffee session, what really hit me was his passion for Music. In a lot of ways, I am thankful to have him in life. He actually changed my perspective in life. A lot of times, I felt that he is such an inspiring person. We had the same view regarding how is the music industry is and how the public take this matter for granted. But what we have in common is the love of music. He told me of the failure he had in the past, and until he found his own grip to actually get what he wanted. Seems familiar right? I honestly am very proud of him. Wanting to be an arranger and composer. I know you can do it. He got me off guarded at a point. Telling me what he had in heart. Music is something I wanted to share that emotions I have. We are artist and we never had better grip of our emotions. To keep us saint, we find our outlet and share it with the world. To a certain extend, I am very proud of him. Knowing the love of his life and passion that leads him. In so many ways, it was just a perfect mixture of sadness and hardship. He got his own slot now with a local radio station. And I am pretty sure that it is pure awesomeness out of his work. Heard it and love it.

It was a long catch up with him. And after it was my bestie's wedding. I manage to catch her in her room. I fainted when I saw her walking out with that dress and tiara. I never knew she was that pretty. A very vintage design and fits her well. The gown was perfect. With the train and lace, she looks like a princess. That Tiara fits her so well. Thinking back of the time weeks ago when she was all stressed up and wanting to just let go of everything. It was a remarkable journey I am sure for her. The night belongs to her. She was the only shining star. Besides her twin daughter who were just pure angels and of course the all time handsome Max. My best wishes and all the love for both of you. 

I don't even know why am I writing this. Maybe I am really happy for what had happen yesterday. It was just magical to me. Will be updating all her photos at the wedding soon on my Facebook and Twitter. I am glad I went to give her that love as her best bitch and was to witness that beautiful moment. I know this is crap to many of my readers. Just wanted to share this little part with all of you. Good night guys. 

American Idol Finale

The "American Idol" finale is set, and Joshua Ledet didn't get an invite.

Phillip Phillips and Jessica Sanchez will compete in next week's season finale after Ledet was voted off the show Thursday (May 17). Ledet, the 20-year-old from Westlake, Louisiana, who was continually praised asone of the best contestants to ever grace the "Idol" stage, received the lowest number of votes from the 90 million votes cast, according to "Idol" host Ryan Seacrest.

Ledet set a record for standing ovations from the judges this season on "Idol"; barely a week went by when he didn't get the judges on their feet after one of his stellar performances. Ledet performed James Brown's "It's a Man's Man's Man's World" at the close of the show Thursday, repeating a song that became one of his signature moments.

'Idol' Favorite Joshua Ledet Is Eliminated

Show mentor Jimmy Iovine took partial blame for Ledet's performance Wednesday, saying by choosing Mary J. Blige's "No More Drama," he didn't give him a song with enough of a melody to captivate the audience and generate votes. "There was something missing, and I know it was the material. In fairness, I gave him a song that didn't have enough melody. Joshua needs melody, [and] I take 100 percent responsibility for that," Iovine said.

Still, he thought Ledet deserved to compete for the "Idol" crown next week. "Does Joshua belong in this finale? 100 percent, he should be in anyone's finale," he said.

Ledet's elimination gives Sanchez a shot at being the first female "Idol" winner since Jordin Sparks back in season six. At the onset of the season, it was said to be the women's year on "Idol," and four of the top six contestants were female. But three women were picked off in a row — Elise Testone, then Skylar Laine, then Hollie Cavanagh — threatening the show's girl-power contingent. Now Sanchez is carrying the torch for the ladies.

Iovine, in summing up Wednesday's performances, also blamed himself for picking a bad song for Sanchez, but said Phillips won the night with his version of Bob Seger's "We've Got Tonight." "Hands down, it was the best performance he's done in the entire contest," he said, calling it "flawless." (In fairness, Iovine also said Phillips' version of Matchbox Twenty's "Disease" was "a total snooze-fest."

Regarding Sanchez, Iovine said, "She has to have the most magical moment she's had so far" in order to win it all. "If she gets in the finale," he said, "It's about the songs."

Before Ledet's elimination, Jackson said the final contestants were "three of the best we've ever had" and said all three have "big careers" ahead of them.

Also on Thursday's show, Adam Lambert dropped by to perform "Never Close Our Eyes," and Lisa Marie Presley (huh?) performed her new single "You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet."

What did you think of "Idol" on Thursday? Did the right contestants make the finale? 

Dark Shadow

Many are being haunted by shadows. But in darkness shadows goes away. What if there still is a shadow in the dark? I wonder somehow are there reasons for me to overlook that part in life. In many many ways, a lot out there thinks that I am blessed. Yes I do not deny that. I am really being surrounded with many that loves me and supports me whatever it takes. The question lies when darkness filled and a shadow that stands beside you. A part of life that no one would able to relate and understand.

This post isn't about how dark ones life is or how bad life is treating me. But acceptance. Somehow, I never forgive myself for all the mess I put myself into or the pain I have caused myself on to. There are parts of life, I felt I am being sucked into this mist of constant changes. It wasn't really bad as it was years ago yet it is still a form of pain.

Yes, I wanted so much difference in life yet I still can't do it. No because I can't but just as the situation doesn't allow us too. I stayed up nights upon nights blaming myself, beating myself up again and again for not giving in to the beauty of what I couldn't not change. I suppose sometimes, it is just human nature. We wanted the best all the time. And we tend to forget we will never have the best. But what we can do is making the best of what we have. Till now, looking back at moments in life, I still am having so much rage upon myself. Not standing up and kept quiet about many things and swallow it even I myself couldn't take it. But it was only me to blame.

For years and years, sometimes, I wish life would be a little bit kinder to me to take away all the pain and let me go. But I have overlook that life has been very kind to me. Giving me the chances to still breath and live a second chance. Maybe it is just me expecting more. I know so much in life that I have given in but I also have to face the fact sometimes, people are just people. I am very confuse at this point. Sometimes, looking at the faces that were familiar but have no idea at all what are the things behind their smiles.

Reconnecting at the moment with all the things I have missed in life, but it was just pure selfish wants. Sometimes, those are the things which are far beyond my control to do that changed. But I am glad that all the things that has been happening to me. A surprised from batman that put so much love in that record that you just released. All I am able to say is only you know what am I gonna be and where am I gonna go. No one would understand me like you do.

Do I blame myself for not being able to be well? I can't lie. Yes I do. Till this very day, I felt really bad to MK. A friend who was pure supportive and all. But whenever we wanted to catch up, it hits me and my body just collapse. I know you would understand. But just sometimes, I wish I could be better. Even now, Junior is in my life and changes everything that is. But in the back of my mind, I couldn't help it to notices the signs. I know I am selfish here for ranting all over here. I know that many of my friends who are facing worst than me are being caught up with worst situations. I wish I could do more. I really do. But it was not something I could put up to. I have to hold on and go on with it.

A turning point in life, a new career and a all new life that I am going through. But under the red river of grief, underneath the depths of my sins, I am holding on to a great guilt. A guilt to myself for not loving myself well enough. Feeling for the first time being so exposed and naked at the edge. But it has forever changed into another form of emotions. Looking at something that is still close to me, I felt that it was the only thing I could possibly understood that love would keep me going. Whenever I see you smile, it brings so much joy. I wish I could make a change with all I have for you. Maybe not this life I suppose.

Looking at the time, I suppose I should be sleeping instead of writing all the emotions that has been build up inside. I guess that sometimes, fearing of a shadow that lingers in the dark isn't the solution. But accepting him as an old friend who will be there no matter what. A shadow that lives within darkness.

Good In Goodbye

I heard you laughing in a crowd outside a restaurant we used to go to
I caught a glimpse that stopped me in my tracks
It took me back
You looked happy with that little girl on your shoulders, happy
I know where she got those crystal eyes of blue
Time’s been sweet to you


As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you gotta let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Sometimes, yeah sometimes, there’s good in goodbye


I don’t regret it
The time we had together
I won’t forget it
But we both ended up where we belong
I guess goodbye made us strong
And yeah I’m happy
I found somebody too who makes me happy
And I knew one day I’ll see you on the street
And it’d be bittersweet


As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you gotta let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Sometimes, yeah sometimes, there’s good in goodbye


As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you got to let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Yeah someday you’ll see the reason why
There’s good in goodbye, yeah
There’s good in goodbye

At the point of saying goodbye, there are reason that some people may turn to a point of despise or on the good side of things. To me, it went both ways. At a point where I blamed myself for hurting someone I used to love so much and putting you in pain. Knowingly how bad both of us were hurt at the very beginning and I still left you into that hollow in your chest. You accepted me and lead me to recovery but I gave you nothing but pain. I did even blame you for not holding on me and moving on that soon. But soon after time, I accepted that it was my own doings. And I accepted that it was no one to blame but myself. But it was good in that goodbye.

In 27 more days, it will be 3 years since you left. For now, I look back and smile knowingly that it was all a beautiful memory that made me who I am now. I learn how to love, I learn how to live. I learn how to give. I learn how to forgive. There wasn't a moment in life I would ever forget how beautiful our love was. Being married to you was the most beautiful thing that changed me. Listening to Carrie Underwood's Forever Changed now and smiling and thanking the love you have always believe in me. I will always cherish that memory.

Forever Changed

She remembers the nights he’d come calling

His yellow-silk tie

In love she saw him falling for her in the fire of July

Then one day as the nights grew longer

Blackberry winter in a little white church

Stood a young pretty bride

Forever changed,

Forever changed,

Nothing ever stays the same

Forever named,

Forever changed

She remembers the change in her body

The blooming within

And how her heart seemed to flutter with the wind

Then one night as the days grew longer

That Indian summer

She brought love into the world

Cried and held me then

Forever changed,

Forever changed,

Nothing ever stays the same

Forever child,

Forever changed

Somedays she’ll talk about aunt Rosie

The sister she lost

Asking when she’s coming over

And why she hasn’t called

Somedays I just hold her fragile hand

As Tom crawls across the floor

Somedays it just kills me

To watch her memories slip away a little more

Forever changed,

Forever changed,

Nothing ever stays the same

Forever named,

Forever child,

Forever loved,

Forever changed.

A beautiful song that relates to the inner part of life. Something that meant everything. Everything.

Grief

They say grief comes in five stages, first there is denial, follow by anger. Then comes bargaining and depression.  For most, the final stage of grief is acceptance. But for me, grief is a life sentence without clemency. I will never accept and I will never forgive. But grief is a merciless master. Just when you think you are free, you realize you never stand a chance. Then I accepted it. And I forgive myself. The only way to let go of the grief that was held inside.

In so many ways, I came to another beautiful part of my grief that I was holding on. Within me, I feel that sometimes, I look forward to things that are intangible. At times when I thought of me getting well and being to live with a normal life. But could I really? Sometimes, I feel that I am too optimistic I suppose. But I wasn't giving in to the fight. I know I should not rush now.

Being said of this, it brings me great moment that brought me to my grief. I guess this part is something no one would really could relate and understands. It wasn't a matter of choice to live within a past. It isn't about not wanting to move on. It isn't a decision of mine to be made. So, I would say to my friends, the best thing to do is not doing anything and let me go. This is a ghost of mine that I need to face on my own.

I am pretty sure for the past week I have put on a lot of smile over those I cared and love. But I know I did put some tears to those I didn't meant to. Sometimes, I was being inconsiderate. Even knowing the inner pain within that was forging but I just went on sharing another part of my own pain. But I knew that you understood why and knowingly how I didn't meant any harm.

Sometimes, I do not know it is a curse or a blessing for me living in such way. I wish there are more I could do. But at the same time, I needed to accept there are things I couldn't as well. The only grief I had was in me. Something that I held on and no one would understand that. No one would. I learned to give in to the merciless master. Accepting that it was a thing I couldn't change. A past and a memory that will live on.

Yelling At The Gates

I only hold myself towards the place on the verge of giving in. Giving in to the excruciating crave. Deep within me I felt it growing stronger every moment in life. In one moment, there ain't nothing I could say or explain what is wrong. The clarity isn't there any more. The past has come back haunting me.

No one would understand why am I lingering here. The vastness of the memory lapse through time and it wasn't a place for me to choose. Somehow it made me what I am today. But do I see the sensation turmoil? Yes I do. Like I say, it isn't a matter of choice. Putting myself together. Thinking of the only way I could get myself together.

Talked to someone who relatively could relate to my sufferings. I see them only in the same tolerance of the inferior pain that no one could understood. Closing my eyes knowing all is just a matter of time and it will be all over. Holding on to myself. I know it will be a long night.

The bards are sharp and filled with my own fresh blood around it. Still putting a smile and knowing I could do this. Someone once told me to look at the beauty part I could sow than not nurturing them at all. It is a painful journey. No one ever we could look them in the eye and ask them for that vast hollow to be filled. It will never be. The ones that once trying to fill it are all tired. I am tired myself. Giving in at the end of the journey.

There will always a way to make it right. Just a matter of choice. Should I bring myself to a higher place where the dreams had wake? Knowing that he will be laying me down. At the gates of darkness when no one would even see that choice matters.

A New Part Of My Life With Junior

Somehow when junior came into my life, so many things changes. Many things seems to fall into place. To be clear, Junior and I are meant to be. It is not because I need a distraction, but he walked into my life at the right time.

Having another son is like the proudest thing a father could get. Lincoln took us out today for a jog. And the next time I will not let Junior run freely! He reminds me so much of someone! Angelic on the outside, devil in the inside! Full of crap! Just like me. But having saying so, the bond we have I would say its quite strong for only short 3 days. As cuddly as he is, the only time he would stay quiet is when he snuggle in me. Remind me so much of Gene Boy when he was younger. But in so many ways, he is so much different. I'm pretty impressed with how he listens and obey. Easily trained. He really is a piece of my heart now.

Somehow I am really glad to have him in life, as he is somehow like my savior. Besides being happy and grateful to have him, I don't know what can I say more.

Underneath

Strip away the flesh and bone

Look beyond the lies you’ve known

Everybody wants to talk about a freak,

No one wants to dig that deep

Let me take you underneath.

Baby, better watch your step

never mind what’s on the left

You’re gonna see things you might not wanna see

it’s still not that easy for me

Underneath

A red river of screams

underneath

tears in my eyes

underneath

stars in my black and blue sky underneath

under my skin, underneath

the depths of my sin

Look at me, now do you see?

Welcomed to my world of truth

I dont wanna hide any part of me from you

I’m standing here with no apologies

Such a beautiful release

you inside of me.

A red river of screams

underneath

tears in my eyes

underneath

stars in my black and blue sky,

And underneath

under my skin, underneath

the depths of my sin

Look at me, now do you see?

Strip away the flesh and bone

Look beyond the lies you’ve known

I’m standing here with no apologies

Such a beautiful release

you inside of me.

Baby, better watch your step

never mind what’s on the left

You’re gonna see things you might not wanna see

it’s still not that easy for me

Underneath.

A red river of screams

underneath

tears in my eyes

underneath

stars in my black and blue sky,

And underneath

under my skin, underneath

the depths of my sin 

Look at me, now do you see?

A song that was purely against all odds. The first time in my life I never shared this song till now. I guess this song is purely something personal. Given life to by my Cow with the lyrics and Batman with his beautiful voice. Not many would able to relate this song. But I know surely there is one soul would know how this song feel. Grateful to have receive a copy of a signed great album. You surprised me so much in this released. 

Somehow this is facing my past. A song that brought me into my darkest point in life. A moment there, I was drowned with my own tears. I brought myself back into the depths of the beauty of my own past. Somehow this was a beautiful release. You inside of me. The metaphors of the lyrics was dark and beautiful. What am I without this beautiful team that made my life meaningful after this. 

Yes this is a part of loneliness that I would have to live with no matter who will be by my side. A place I would visit from time to time. I have been living in this half life ever since. I have no more apologies, no more guilt, no more sadness but the truth I screw you over again and again. And the price to pay with my own sins. Look at me and what do you see?

A Call Made

I know there are times where we made our own decision based on our own emotions. Yes, I did and many times, but is it worth it? To be honest, I think it is. When we give, why should we always think of wanting something back? When I decided that move, I am aware of the consequences. But when I confronted the deciding party, to know what had happen or not isn't important.

Yes it is tough at first. But I know it was the right thing to do for someone you cared for. Yes, it has been months. Whatever happen is our of my control but I took it up as a man. Knowingly the only thing I could keep him safe. The least that getting the contacts to have the things he wanted is fairly impossible. But sometimes, to a lot of people, they think that why am I that stupid to do so. To me, who the hell are you to care what I decide for my life? I knew what I have taken up since I gave my word.

Sometimes, facing our inner monster is way much harder than facing others. We tend to give excuses to ourselves. Honestly, what I really saw was a downfall from one to another. But how many would see it that way? Sometimes, I couldn't possibly do anything. Even knowing what is going on, but I just can sit there and watch what they are going through. Maybe many thinks I should confront them because they are the people I love and care for. But do they see the effect for them to push you away if you taken that step? No one seems to understand that because they were not in their positions. There is a push in them for them to take that call to do so. I know as I was there once.

What I could really say now is I could just stand beside them and give them the view of how I decide to take charge of my life and change it. Yes, till today I am still having the crave and all for it. But to give in or to push it out? How many would see this? Sometimes, it is tough I know. Sometimes, I really feel like walking out from them. But if I do, what is left with them? It does break my heart seeing all this over and over again. But is it worth it? Yes it is. I can't decide for them but I can be there for them when they needed me.

Yes it is hard to hold up to our inner self who wanted pleasures, and numbing from all that is surrounds us. Many choose to run. But what I did is to choose to face what is within. I never say it was easy. But I am glad my life changed. Tremendously to be honest. Yes, loneliness fills from time to time. But it will change once we decided to make that change. I came across something meaningful today.

Love is a cycle. When we learn to love, we get hurt. When we get hurt, we learn to hate. When we hate, we learn to forget. When we try to forget, we start missing it. And when we start to miss it, we will eventually fall in love again.

Yeah, loving someone is not something like having that special one and just being all happy about it. But learning to let someone in to our lives, and learning to stand in their position to love them for who they are. Everyone is different. Yes, many love went pass me and I couldn't hold on to it. But eventually, when you do what you have to it will come back to you. I am blessed that I have made this change in life. Accepted in life there are things we can't hold on to. But also learned to give without regretting any part of it.

Yes it hurts on the skin. But what hurts most is seeing you falling in again and again. But as time will come, I know everything will fall back to place.

Ricky Junior

At a moment there, I saw this little fella sitting at the edge of this pet shop! Once I walk up, he was like wanting to jump on me and keep licking my face! To be honest, I miss Gene Boy and Chris very much! At the age of 3 months and 3 weeks old Shiba Inu, he looked at me with the way like how Gene boy use to look at me. Call it fate or whatever, I knew I have to bring his baby boy home!

With his cream color coat with light brown ears. The curly tail that resemble Chris very much! He was like asking me to bring him home. The keeper ask me to hold him. It was sucha beautiful thing when I held him. He curled up himself in me. It was something I couldn't really explain how it was. I hold him up, and ask him, do you wanna go home with me tonight baby boy?

The only reaction I got from him was Bon stop licking my face. It was a yes!

In many ways, I found myself alive again. At a point where non would really understand the monster within which is taking charge most of the time now, it was like it gave in when this little boy look at me. Maybe I do think it's a way for me to hold on to my own. I couldn't possibly can explain how and what am I going through but all just made sense when he curled up in my arms.

Somehow I believe he could be a turning point for me. Having Lincoln around me, and now with baby Ricky Jr, I know the recovery would be fast. Having more faith now in myself, with the love and patience around me, I know that this is just the beginning of my Journey. A Journey I have ought to take no matter I like it or not. Things at its changing point here. I believe everything would turn out well.

Life Is Good

Darlin' if you think back
To the heartbroken past
Before we found each other
It's so amazing, it's almost crazy
What a difference lookin' through the eyes of love
Life is good, the grass is green
The good Lord smilin' on you and me
Gonna knock on wood
Sweet sunshine everywhere I look
You love me like no one could
Life is good


People stop me on the street,

 thinkin' I'm the old me
Talkin' about the bad old days
But ever since you came along
Them old blues are long gone
I break into a grin and all I can say is


Life is good, the grass is green
The good Lord smilin' on you and me
Gonna knock on wood
Sweet sunshine everywhere I look
You love me like no one could
Life is good


Someday, this old world will try to beat you up
Let em bring it on, cause every time we touch


Life is good, the grass is green
The good Lord smilin' on you and me
Gonna knock on wood
Sweet sunshine everywhere I look
You love me like no one could
Life is good


Life is good, the grass is green
The good Lord smilin' on you and me
Sweet sunshine everywhere I look
You love me like no one could
Life is good

You Got Away

You know that i’m going away
but i’ll be back soon
there’s things i’ve gotta do
so don’t you even dare
give me that come-back stare
cause you know i’m not that strong

we need to say goodbye
but every time i try
something that you do
pulls me back into you

so tell the driver please
that i’m not gonna need
his services tonight, no

cause you’ve got a way
of making me stay
you’ve got my heart in your hands
you’ve got a way
of saying my name
that i can’t resist
you’ve got a way with me

no matter how i try
i just can’t say goodbye
i see that smile
makes me stay for a while
so when i go to leave
into the autumn, trees go from red to winter grey

and you’ve got a way
of making me stay
you’ve got my heart in your hands

and you’ve got a way
of saying my name
that i can’t resist
you’ve got a way with me

no i can’t resist
you’ve got a way
with me

I Won't Give Up

Dont tell me love is something you won't try again,
thats just not true.
But baby right now maybe what you needs a friend,
well im here for you.
I will be by your side, if ever you fall deep in the dead of night,
whenever you call.
And I won't change my mind, no I'll see you through,
and I won't give up,
no I won't give up,
I won't give up on you.

You need someone who knows you from the inside out,
the way I do.
I've seen you walk the wire never looking down,
I believe in you.
I will be by your side, if ever you fall deep in the dead of night,
whenever you call.
And I won't change my mind, no I'll see you through,
and I won't give up,
no I won't give up,
I won't give up on you.

I will be by your side.
If ever you fall deep in the dead of the night.

And I won't give up,
no I won't give up,
I won't give up,
You can call it love,
I wont give up, on you.

Out of no where, a friend shared this song with all this friends. I guess this is the only thing I could really relate what and how I feel at this very moment. There are so much that has been happening in life now. But in a good way. Being back to where I belong, I am feeling that beautiful sense of security whenever I think of you. But how could I possibly return this to you? Sometimes, I felt it is so hard to just wanna make you understand how much you meant to me. But it will never be in many ways. I am feeling that it was just something playing tricks in my mind. But is it really? I don't know. 

This song somehow made me felt that beautiful part of life you have shown me. But I am also wondering how could I possibly give this back to you. The only way is to get well? It has always been my dream. But how could I do that? I always wanted to make things right. I won't give up on you. But you were always cold whenever I wanted to come close to you. Maybe it is me thinking too much. But why oh why couldn't I reach out to you? Why do you have to push everyone away when you needed others around you? You were always there for me but to return this favor it seems like an impossible thing to happen.

But no matter what the reason is, I will be by your side. I will never give up on you. No matter what circumstances, this is my choice in my life. This is what I decide to do. No one ever sees me as you did. And I do see that in you. I wish sometimes, I have the courage to pull everything through. I think the only thing now I could hold on to is the lyrics of this song. 

First MAS A380 Moves to Flight Line in Preparation For Delivery

The first A380 for Malaysia Airlines (MAS) returned to Toulouse on 9th May following completion of interior furnishing and cabin system tests in Hamburg.

The aircraft is now stationed at the Airbus flight line for final system checks prior to the start of the customer acceptance process and delivery at the end of the month.

The national airline of Malaysia will become the eighth operator of the A380 and will commence commercial service between Kuala Lumpur and London effective 1 July this year. Altogether, the carrier has ordered six A380s and has specified a premium three-class layout for the aircraft, seating a total of 494 passengers. The MAS A380 fleet will be powered by Rolls-Royce Trent 900 engines.

The aircraft is painted with the base design of Malaysia Airlines’ bright new livery. Additional features of the livery developed specially for the MAS A380 will be applied post-delivery.

New Photos Of Malaysia Airlines Airbus A380

A sneak peak of the upcoming new carrier of the big bird. Earlier today, Malaysia Airlines first A380 (MSN078) was ferried to Toulouse, in preparation for delivery.


At the time of writing this post, MSN078 is still in the air, and her flight plan has Toulouse as her destination.

She will wear the civilian registration of 9M-MNA, and will be delivery to Malaysia Airlines in mid June.

The Beginning Of A New Path

At the end of a long journey, I come to an end of another new beginning. Waiting to leave in few more hours, thinking back about all what had just fly by me. At a moment, I felt that I was so blessed and loved. I know many things were not under my control. But I am glad that what I have gotten back. It wasn't monetary gain or fame. It was the love by all my love ones. These few days was really overwhelming for me. I know all that had happen was perfectly out of my will. But I accepted that this is my body and I have to go through it myself.

A certain string of strong emotions flowing through me tonight. At the edge of  breaking my own self. It was not unbearable but it was also not pleasant. The attacks was haunting me from time to time. But I am glad that my emotions are lifted tremendously. At this very moment, the memory of a certain soul were dancing through my memory. It was really one beautiful one. I learn to smile now whenever it comes back to me.

I realize in life sometimes, we couldn't control what others may do but we are able to control ourselves. I am smiling and thankful to all the love given to me. I was relatively seeing the light of a beautiful beginning. One thing that had really really struck my mind was the smile you had on your face. It was something I couldn't possibly tell how intense that emotion was. It was a bumpy ride but it is all worth going through.

Maybe sometimes, no one may really understand why I do so, but it wasn't any way for others to say either. Listening on my iTunes repetitively, I really feel what I wanted to convey. Maybe now, you wouldn't understand or know what it is for. But soon you will know. I am currently walking the final few steps, and knowingly that I won't be alone in the end. It is a beautiful journey I would say. I would even say, I have no reason to be mad nor angry at a higher power as I have lived a life to what I am suppose to.

I know that it won't be an easy journey from now on. It is a beginning of a new chapter in life. But time is what I really want. Do I still have that? I know I could have that if I really put my own effort into it. It is about a will and the power of wanting it badly. I know many things I wanted, but it is a little too late to do anything about it. Having say that, I have no regrets at all at any point. Knowingly that I have you in my life and it is all worth it. I have lived a beautiful life. It will be a new beginning of a new path. Time is all I wanted now.