The Lonely Score

A big part of me drown, I cave in to the physical pain that is constantly going on. Wanted to look at the bright side of things but the skies were dark and gloomy. The cold breeze blows on my face. Whenever I close my eyes, all I feel is that helplessness within.

Was talking to my bestie who is now in Sweden. Was just telling him about how I wanted to change to see the world. Even when time didn't allow it to be. He didn't say anything at all. I told him I was sick of myself. Even the way I feel the world. I wanted to see things differently. I wanted to change myself. 

G didn't say anything at first. And he told me he was happy that I wanted that change. And... He drop the bomb on me. "How are you going to write your songs Ricky?" And silence ate me up whole. I realize how much I miss my best friends who are all over the world right now. It just felt different without them being here. No matter how much I wanted to change, they see me for who I am. Music is a big part of me. It defines who I am. And only they know best on what I do. Many thinks I should be writing more positive songs. I agree with them to a certain extend. But what I write best when I let my vulnerability over shadow me. 

Feeling tired of the pain, and feeling a little calm in me. I wonder to myself, am I pushing myself to change to hard? I don't think so. But in ways, I am pushing that big part of me into the cupboard. I remember Andrew once told me this. "Ricky, you just need to accept yourself. No matter what others say, they don't see the Ricky that I do. That is the beauty that you hold" As depressing as that sound, but that part of me being said, those who are really close to me accepts me for that part most people sees as something negative. Kel also told me this months ago, "Ricky, nothing really explains who you are beside your scores." 

Taking a deep breathe, maybe I was just too afraid of coping everything alone. All of them are so far away. And maybe that was how I start to cope and adapt myself into that guy. But I got carried away. Part of being alive is to celebrate not just the happy things in life, but also all the dark memories that is with us or even all those that have not happen. Sometimes, forgotten that all these events are ok to feel. G saw something that is happening that even I didn't see. The more I try to keep everything in, it will just roll and roll. And deep down, that is something I can't afford to do. 

"Accept responsibility for your life. Know that it is you who will get you where you want to go, no one else." - Les Brown

I wasn't strong to see my own reflection. Instead, I followed all the shadows that is around me. And the longer I go, I didn't realize the distance that I was now to the place I wanted to be. It's been a long day, It's been a long week, it's been a long year, it's been a long decade. And I finally wanted to be here. I accept the fact that no matter what state I am now, I will be content with it. But the part of wanted to be heard, that is one thing no everyone could do. Many listens, but how many will hear?

But still, thankful to those that makes these few weeks easier for me. Especially Leo. I kept looping the cover of Smile he did for me. And even now, listening to that song he did, it isn't about how the would evolve  around us, but how we evolve around it instead. This Charlie Chaplin classic even gave me another level of understanding to this track. The smile that matters to those who care that sees you isn't just about the smile but also the tears that comes with every laughter. And for that, I need to take a few step back, and look at my own reflection again before taking a step forward.