I'm Not Sober Anymore

I got no excuses
For all of these goodbyes
Call me when it's over
'Cause I'm dying inside
Wake me when the shakes are gone
And the cold sweats disappear
Call me when it's over
And myself has reappeared

I don't know why
I do it every time
It's only when I'm lonely
Sometimes I just wanna cave and I don't wanna fight
I try and I try and I try and I try and I try
Just hold me, I'm lonely

Momma, I'm so sorry I'm not sober anymore
And daddy, please forgive me for the drinks spilled on the floor
To the ones who never left me, we've been down this road before
I'm so sorry, I'm not sober anymore

I'm sorry to my future love
For the man that left my bed
For making love the way I saved for you inside my head
And I'm sorry for the fans I lost
Who watched me fall again
I wanna be a role model, but I'm only human

I don't know why
I do it every time
It's only when I'm lonely
Sometimes I just wanna cave and I don't wanna fight
I try and I try and I try and I try and I try
Just hold me, I'm lonely

Momma, I'm so sorry I'm not sober anymore
And daddy, please forgive me for the drinks spilled on the floor
To the ones who never left me, we've been down this road before
I'm so sorry, I'm not sober anymore

I'm not sober anymore

I'm sorry that I'm here again
I promise I'll get help
It wasn't my intention
I'm sorry to myself

Depression

In the wake of these recent and public deaths by suicide, the positive is we are able to have a dialogue about the complexities and nuance of mental health. This post is beautifully written and enlightening. I hope you spend 2 minutes and read it. Maybe we can understand ourselves and those around us better today.

Written by 

Stirling Gardner

Stop asking people to reach out when they feel depressed.

I understand that you're saying that with only the best of intentions, but that is not how it works for the depressed person.

I have experienced more bouts of depression (from mild to crippling) than I can even count as far back as I can remember.

Times when my body and mind could barely function.

Not leaving my home/bed/couch for days at a time.

Times when I didn't have it in me to even look at my phone, let alone make a call to someone.

Anxiety and depression are referred to as "crippling" for a reason. There is a chemical imbalance happening in the brain that forces you to do things you wouldn't normally do. Or in most cases NOT do things you would normally do and know you should do, which makes you feel guilty for not doing them, thus perpetuating a nasty, nasty cycle.

Depression is a mental, emotional, and spiritual black hole that you cannot see beyond when you are in it. Physically, it feels like there is something tying you to the center of the earth rendering you unable to function. I referred to it as wearing the 1000 lbs cape.

Depression is insidious and can creep up on you at any time without notice. And then, there is circumstantial depression.

Mix those two together and you are in what feels like quicksand in the middle of the blackest night with duct tape over your mouth and you only have minutes to live and no one is around. It's terrifying and bleak.

It can and does make you contemplate 100 intricate ways to kill yourself so that no one would know it was suicide. And for others, it makes them pick a more obvious and public route to end their pain.

For those of you lucky enough to have never experienced depression or anxiety, I am genuinely happy for you. It's not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

I remember checking in on an exgf because I hadn't heard from her in a longer time than was normal for the two of us. She had been lying on her dining room hard wood floor in the fetal position for three days. I drove over - not to do or say anything in particular - but just to be a human body in her presence.

I have needed the same thing on occasion.

Most of the time, a depressed person doesn't want to talk about what's bothering them. Don't let this frustrate you.

Sometimes they do this because they don't know exactly what's going on but its scary as shit and they need a body around to feel safe.
Sometimes they aren't ready to talk about it yet.
And sometimes they are grateful for your friendship and feel guilty they would bring you down with them, too.

Yes, I know that's not rational to you, but to them it makes perfect sense.

Depression is not something you can think yourself out of. Depression is not a conscious choice.
Depression sucks.

This next sentence may piss a lot of people off, but... depression and suicide are not meant to be selfish.

When you have experienced chronic depression for long enough and get to the point where you want to free yourself from what feels like never ending darkness PLUS have a chemical imbalance happening in your brain, you truly believe the world (family and friends included) would be better off without you to worry about.

I am not asking you to agree with it. I am asking you to try to understand it in a different way...

People are not in their right state of mind when they make the decision to commit suicide. To them, it's actually the opposite of selfish... they think they would be making the world a better place if they took themselves out of it.

Let me be clear... I am not saying suicide is ever the answer. But to the depressed person not thinking logically, it feels like the logical thing to do. Referring to suicide as selfish only heaps more shame and stigma on a depressed person that hears you talking that way, making them feel even worse and shutting them down further.

Instead of judging a depressed person or telling them to "snap out of it," I have some other suggestions.

If you haven't heard from someone you know in a longer than average amount of time, YOU reach out to them.

Let them know you are there for them no matter what.

Offer to come over and just sit with them. Do not force them to talk about anything. Just BE there.

Ask them, "How can I best be here for you right now?"

And let whatever their answer is be ok with you.

They may say to just sit with them and not say a word.
They may ask you to keep checking on them with a simple text even if they don't text back.
They may ask you to make soup for them.
Or walk their dog.
Or whatever the hell it is, just be okay with it.

The gratitude they will feel for those small selfless actions is unbounded yet they won't be able to thank you in the moment.

Do it anyway.

If they don't return your calls or texts, reach out anyway. Any lack of response is not about you during those times.

I was once in such a dark, incapacitated place, I had to have the woman I was dating look up therapists, call them, make appointments for me, and drive me to those appointments.

I was once in a place so dark, I sat in my car inconsolably sobbing and stared for hours at the tree I was going to drive into.

I have written notes and left them for what I was about to do.

I have been to the absolute edge of ending my life and only been stopped seconds before by a voice deep inside that whispered "not yet."

It is humbling and downright embarrassing to admit all of this and I can only do it now that I am in a much better place and have some perspective to offer.

I am not trying to make this post about how I have been able to drastically turn my life around, but rather to share with those who are baffled by depressed people what they can do to help.

Posting suicide prevention hotline numbers is indeed a nice thing to do.
Telling people to reach out is indeed a nice thing to do.

But YOU reaching out and asking "how can I be there for you right now?" is infinitely more effective.

Trust me.

So... who are you going to reach out to today?

I love you all.

P.S. If you strongly believe or know someone is going to commit suicide and has the means to do so, it is also your job to reach out to the police.

Relationship Status

We want a second coffee cup in our Instagrams of lazy Saturday mornings, another pair of shoes in our artsy pictures of our feet. We want a Facebook official relationship every one can like and comment on, we want the social media post that wins #relationshipgoals. We want a date for Sunday morning brunch, someone to commiserate with during the drudge of Mondaze, a Taco Tuesday partner, someone to text us good morning on Wednesday. We want a plus one for all the weddings we keep getting invited to (how did they do it? How did they find their happily ever after?). But we are the generation who doesn’t want a relationship. We swipe left in hopes of finding the right person. We try to special order our soulmate like a request on Postmates. We read 5 Ways to Know He’s Into You and 7 Ways to Get Her to Fall For You, in hopes of being able to upcycle a person into a relationship like a Pinterest project. We invest more time in our Tinder profiles than our personalities. Yet we don’t want a relationship. We “talk” and we text, we Snapchat and we sext. We hangout and we happy hour, we go to coffee and grab a beer – anything to avoid an actual date. We private message to meet up, we small talk for an hour only to return home and small talk via text. We forgo any chance of achieving real connection by mutually playing games with no winner. Competing for “Most Detached”, “Biggest Apathetic Attitude”, and “Best at Being Emotionally Unavailable”, what we end up actually winning is “Most Likely to Be Alone”. We want the façade of a relationship, but we don’t want the work of a relationship. We want the hand holding without the eye contact, the teasing without the serious conversations. We want the pretty promise without the actual commitment, the anniversaries to celebrate without the 365 days of work that leads up to them. We want the happily ever after, but we don’t want to put the effort in the here and now. We want the deep connection, while keeping things shallow. We long for that world series kind of love, without being willing to go to bat. We want someone to hold our hand, but we don’t want to put the power to hurt us in their hands. We want cheesy pick up lines, but we don’t want to be picked up… for that involves the possibility of being set down. We want to be swept off our feet, yet at the same time remaining safely, independently, standing on our own. We want to keep chasing the idea of love, but we don’t want to actually fall into it. We don’t want relationships – we want friends with benefits, Netflix and chill, nudes on Tinder. We want anything that will give us the illusion of a relationship, without being in an actual relationship. We want all the rewards and none of the risk, all of the payout and none of the cost. We want to connect – enough, but not too much. We want to commit – a little, but not a lot. We take it slow: we see where it goes, we don’t label things, we just hang out. We keep one foot out the door, we keep one eye open, and we keep people at arm’s length - toying with their emotions but most of all toying with our own. When things get too close to being real, we run. We hide. We leave. There’s always more fish in the sea. There’s always another chance at finding love. There’s just such a little chance of keeping it these days… We hope to swipe right into happiness. We want to download the perfect fit like a new app - that can be updated every time there’s a hitch, easily compartmentalized into a folder, deleted when we have no more use for it. We don’t want to unpack our baggage – or, worse, help someone unpack theirs. We want to keep the ugly behind the coverup, hide the imperfections with an Instagram filter, choose another episode on Netflix over a real conversation. We like the idea of loving someone despite their flaws; yet we keep our skeletons locked in the closet, happy to never let them see the light of day. We feel entitled to love, like we feel entitled to full time jobs out of college. Our trophies-for-everyone youth has taught us that if we want something, we deserve it. Our over-watched Disney VHSs taught us true love, soul mates, and happily ever after exist for everyone. And so we put in no effort, and wonder why our prince charming hasn’t appeared. We sit around, upset that our princess is no where to be found. Where is our consolation prize? We showed up, we’re here. Where’s the relationship we deserve? The true love we’ve been promised? We want a placeholder, not a person. We want a warm body, not a partner. We want someone to sit on the couch next to us, as we aimlessly scroll through another newsfeed, open another app to distract us from our lives. We want to walk this middle line: pretending we don’t have emotions while wearing our heart on our sleeve, wanting to be needed by someone yet not wanting to need someone. We play hard to get just to test if someone will play hard enough – we don’t even fully understand it ourselves. We sit around with friends discussing the rules, but no one even knows the game we’re trying to play. Because the problem with our generation not wanting relationships is that, at the end of the day, we actually do.

3 Years Ago Today

3 years ago today, it was the first time we were more than just best friends. Ever since February 14th 2012, it was never a dull moment with you in my life.



Looking back to every moment we had, I wouldn’t wanna change a moment of it. There’s the good times, and there are the tough ones too. We ain’t perfect and we still managed. It has been a good 3 years. We had our laughters, we had hurt. We forgive and we heal.



Chasing after perfect is a dream. I used to have this fantasy. Reminiscing the times when we smile, and thinking how perfect we are. But this is in fact a fantasy. We worked hard to make things right, we stay grounded and honest, and it’s just a part of life that we have to accept shit does happen all the time. And the one thing that made me smile is after all those shit and crappy things, we are still holding on to each other and moving forward.



I know I’m the cheesy one and always wanted to make you smile in the oddest way I can find, and you are that traditional minded but actions are totally westernised. Or somewhere in between. On the beautiful part of it is, being patient with me when I’m crazy, and accepting all the flaws. I finally able to see the person I’ve become and proud of what I’m capable to do. My strength turns into weakness but the vulnerability makes me strong enough to do this. So, thank you bae. There is no words or anything I can do to show you how much I’ve appreciate what we have.



#3 and many more to come. I hope the future we once talked about, will turn into our reality.

I’ve Finally Made It

I think there is a point when you come to accept that you are good enough. It’s isn’t about being arrogant or the ego you have it in you, but more of the acceptance that you are with the other cherries on top of the cream.


Writing music is always a part of me that I couldn’t have any doubt in. I remember years ago, my songs would never ever made it to a singles list. But standing today, seeing the numbers on Apple Music, iTunes Charts, and even on YouTube play counts, I feel that I have achieved what I always wanted. I remembered at one point of my life, I was thinking that if I should move to a more commercial path or stick to what is true about every emotions or life has to offer. I’m glad that I didn’t stray.


Along this journey, I feel that I’m blessed. Every pain and every hurt made me who I am. I feel freedom where I stand now, and I feel proud from who I am now. I learned a lot along the way, I love the man that I became. A new journey is along the way, and I know with you along with me, we could see the bad and tough things in life turns into a beautiful journey.


Now I stand tall. Feeling like myself again and no worries at all. Breathe, No one can stop me from living this moment for me. Thank you.

Hello & Goodbye

"Keep me close, hold me tight, as the days go by."

It's been a long while since I last wrote anything. For any reasons there are, it's just keep evolving. All I'm doing is just adapting.

For a certain time in the past, all I did was fighting cancer. For the longest time, I kept on fighting and I have some how forgotten what life has left for me. It's been a while now ever since I'm free from it. So the question now is - what's next?

Honestly, I have no idea at all where I am heading. I kept telling myself that I know where I wanna be or what I wanna do with my life now. I've been living with it for so long, and now it's gone. I really don't know what I am without it. I'm thankful the suffering has ended. But now I realise when I was fighting it, I somehow let it in and partly define the person I was. Or should I say define the person that I am.

My life now is far from perfect but I am thankful for everything I have. A very supportive family, a lover who loves me, and my in laws are quite awesome in ways I would ever wish for. But to a certain extend, I am missing a big part of me. I need to find the refuge in all these good. I never asked myself before what will I do after the storm. And I've been just living by life ever since I'm free. I need to learn how to lose 'you'.

The hollow somehow made me bother less. It isn't necessary a bad thing. Things that you could easily avoid and pushing those you know isn't good for you in your life. It use to irks me very much when someone uses the cancer card to get attention, and yet saying things like I'm saying this not wanting your pity. The old me would have lashed out. But I didn't bother at all. And when the person used terms like blood cancer or bone tumour, all that gone through cancer will just smile and walk away. There is no point to even initiate a conversation. It's just attention the person wants. One thing the journey taught me one thing. The very humbling sensation we call pain. Emotionally and physically. That pain is yours. At a point you accept that those pain are for you, a part of you, and it's your own forever. You will find that peace in it. You will want someone who understand that weight and carry it with you, but it isn't the case at all. It's just too personal to even talk about it. It just becomes a part of you.

Yes I'm disgusted by the actions of these people. It's not just a disgrace but also an insult. If any one had walk in an oncology ward, you'll understand why. But, as time go by, I just didn't bother at all. All I'm feeling is just a missing part of me that I'm happy that it's gone, and yet I'm missing that part all together.

All I can now is follow the wonder in my heart and let the world and love heal the broken parts. Drink up the sun and breathe in the air. Carry hotel e every where I am. Life is just right before our eyes. We say hello, and we say goodbye. But we will always be together. It all happened so fast. Let's make this moment last for you, for me, forever.

A Painting

I wanted to show you all a painting. Tell you what life is about, because I was thinking it might make us all feel a little better.

I painted this because I felt like the play was about life, and life is full of color, and we each get to come along and we add our own color to the painting. And even though it’s not very big, the painting, we still have to figure it goes on forever, you know, in each direction, so like to infinity, because that’s kind of like life.

It’s really crazy if you think about it, isn’t it? That 100 years ago some guy that I never met came to this country with a suitcase. He has a son, who has a son, who has me. So at first when I was painting, I was thinking maybe up here, that was that guy’s part of the painting, and then down here that’s my part of the painting. And then I started to think, what if we’re all in the painting everywhere? What if we’re in the painting before we’re born? What if we’re in the painting after we die? And these colors that we keep adding, what if they keep getting added on top of one another until eventually we’re not even different colors anymore, we’re just one thing? One painting.

And my dad is not with us anymore, he’s not alive. But he’s with us. He’s with me every day. It all just sort of fits somehow, even if you don’t understand how yet. People will die in our lives, people that we love, in the future, maybe tomorrow, maybe years from now. It’s kind of beautiful if you think about it, the fact that just because someone dies, just because you can’t see them or talk to them anymore, it doesn’t mean they’re not still in the painting.

I think maybe that’s the point of the whole thing. There’s no dying. There’s no you, or me, or them...it’s just us. And this sloppy, wild, colorful, magical thing that has no beginning, no end...that’s right here. I think it’s us.

From This Is Us. 

A Quiet Uptown

Some songs just could easily mess you up. Some song digs in to some memories that you wouldn't wanna talk about. At some point, there are some memories that words don't reach. Even when you try to let others in, you know they would share that burden but just tearing open that scar you try to hide. There's a grace too powerful to name and we push away what we can never understand. We push away the unimaginable. 

Some suffering are meant to be shared, but there are some you just couldn't possibly do anything. You just learn to live with the pain every day. You learn to pray, you learn to do things you have never done before. I know there is no replacing what we've lost. Just that the questions that kept repeating in your mind.

If I could spare his life

If I could trade his life for mine

He'd be standing here right now

For a moment there, you feel like you are standing right in the dark alone. There is suffering too terrible to name. I don't pretend to know the pain, I just bury it somewhere unreachable. All I wanna hold you and say "Don't come over." Every birthday, all I can do is remember that you wanted me to live a full life and a happy one. And pushed away all the unimaginable. 

                                                      Forgiveness... Can you imagine?

I dare not even think to ask for forgiveness. Maybe there is nothing to forgive, but there is still a lot of blame in me. There is just moment that words don't reach. Look around, there are people who just can't reach out. It's just quiet...its just easer to push away the unimaginable.

Intermission

Sometimes you’ve gotta close your mouth
To let the words speak clearly
Sometimes you have to close your eyes
To let the sun come shining
Sometimes you have to learn to leave
To make sure love continues
Sometimes we’re all gonna need an intermission 

Sometimes you’ve gotta get on your knees
To keep your spirit standing
Sometimes you’ve gotta let it bleed
And let go of the bandage
Inhale, exhale, release and let yourself receive forgiveness
Sometimes we’re all gonna need an intermission 

Autumn Is Here

The first autumn wind blew. And the chill that runs down you spine. You know that summer is gone and it is time to endure the cold long nights. No gold could buy that warmth you long for. Auntumn is here.

The stroll in the woods picking up mushrooms and wood. Just wanted to be sure you would provide warm and food. You know you could give anything to see that cute little grind of happiness. For that it seems like summer has never felt when Autumn is here.

Every single cut, ever drop of blood. You know every step would make it worth. Every effort you put, everything you do, it was just for the sake of protecting who matters. The cold doesn't get to you. Your mind remains strong. Nature will never bring me down to my knees. For the things that is worth, you know you are doing it right. You yearn for sunlight, and yet you only have a mere shadow from the gloomy autumn's day. For what is worth, every step takes you nearer to paradise. As auntumn is here.

What I needed stays in the blurred lines. And yet, the wants lingers through when hope is low. As you know, time will tell and heals all. It is temporary until the sun comes out again. I would just need to let go of all the tricks playing in my head. As autumn is here. 

You didn't ask yourself why are you doing this. You stop asking how many steps you haven taken. As it is like the sharp thorns from the roses bush. Like the poison ivy that grows strong and keeping out the pest. Just endure the steps, and stop asking question. Winter is merciless and autumn is here.

Sometimes, I too wish to have those juicy mushrooms. But there are times you need to understand what are the things you keep dear to you. For all you know, it just seems that it wasn't that bad having a long hot summers day. You feel free and the breeze that touches your face gives you that little hope. But what is hope when you lost the will. As autumn is here.

E.M

Book For Hope

The Call From St. Regis Kuala Lumpur

St. Regis.   : hello, can I speak to Mrs Hah? I am calling from St. Regis Kuala Lumpur.

Dad.          : oh sure, hold on. 

St. Regis.   : hi Mrs Hah. This is R and I am calling from St. Regis Kuala Lumpur. I understand you are planning a surprise birthday celebration for your husband?

Mom.         : no.. I don't think so. 

St. Regis.   : I believe you have booked a stay with us on August 27th?

Mom.         : no. I don't think I have. Who are you looking to speak to? 

St. Regis.   : I would like to speak to Mrs Hah. Wife of Mr Eric Hah. 

Mom.         : yes this is Mrs Hah speaking but Eric is my son. I believe the person you are looking for is my future son in law who is in Kuala Lumpur at the moment. 

St. Regis.   : (silent)

Mom.         : hello? Are you still on the line? 

St Regis.    : so sorry. I assume you are Mrs Hah. 

Mom.         : yes I am and I believe I am the one and only Mrs Hah you are referring to. Eric is my son, and yes you hear it right. The person you are looking for is my future son in law. 

St. Regis.   : sorry for the confusion. I believe that August would be Eric's birthday? And you son in law is planning surprise birthday party for your son. Is that correct? 

Mom.         : my son's birthday Is in January. My birthday is in August but I don't think my son is celebrating with me. My son in law's birthday is in August though. Does this mean my son has chosen to celebrate his partner's birthday instead of mine? 

St. Regis.   : I am sorry Mrs Hah, I believe there is a mixed up I trust your son doesn't have this intention at all.. I am deeply sorry to have confuse all the details. 

Mom.         : relax girl. I am just pulling your leg. August is my future son in law's birthday. You really got that mixed up. My son is currently in Dubai you can reach him via his email. And way, thank you for making my day, but the future son is law thing I am not kidding. My son has our blessing to love who he wants. I believe you are just not use to an Asian family who thinks and does thing like us no?

St. Regis.    : haha. Yes Mrs Hah. You really got me there. I thought you were gonna report me or something as I do not wanna sound like I am a homophobic. 

Mom.          : it's ok. The world is the way as it is. We just have to accept love comes in all kinds of way. But by the way, you really did screw up the details. Should I tell my son about this?

St. Regis.    : errrr.....

Mom.          : hahahaha.. I'm joking. Write to my son. He will do what he needs to do with his stay.

Then my mom called me to tell me all of this. I do not know if I wanna cry or laugh. But I know where the lame gene comes from my family. 

Frustration

I realize I can't even write a single thing here anymore. No privacy, no outlet. I'm going to explode. 

Maybe

I guess it is just one of those nights you just can't help wondering about the good and the bad. Time flies and sometimes, I wondered how much things I have missed out because of the circumstances. 

I am about to step in my second year being cancer free. Yes it should be a celebratory feat, but somehow behind my head, I can't help wondering if the big C is creating back in my body. It's just a sick feeling in my gut that I can't help to feel.

Me and Leo just made it through 19 months. It has been great for us, but at the back of my mind, somehow I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Honeymoon period should've ended, but.. Somehow.. It just never stop. Some what unnatural I think.. 

Life is somehow very smooth and good to me. But why am I having all these bad feeling about it? Of course there are some hard things and small matters we have bumped into but we make it through. Leo has been more than what he is suppose to be. But if I was honest to myself, I can't help to feel somehow is he just too good for me and I am not deserving.

Did my early years fucked me up that bad that I think things wouldn't be this easy? Why am I anticipating all the negative things and harness those bad energy in me? Am I just that fucked up? Or I just think this life now I am living in is unreal?

There is so much going on in my head and all I wanna do is run. I just wanted to get to the airport and fly to you. The first face I see when I get out from the arrival hall is you. Maybe that would ease my worries.. Maybe.. 

But all I can do now is just pull it through the week before I can see you. All I can do is fantasizing all the little small things I've planned for the whole week. Maybe that is the only thing I am looking forward to without and fears.. But.. Maybe... 

Something Good

When you have something good, protect it.

Guard it. Look after it. Make sure no one is trying to steal it. Know its worth, understand its value and don’t tell everyone about it. Don’t let people put a discount on it. Don’t let people make you doubt how precious it is. Don’t talk about how you’re scared of losing it or question if it was worth the investment. When you have something good, keep it safe, don’t risk losing it because you didn’t know what to do with it.

When you have something good, love it.

Be kind to it. Look beyond the minor imperfections or minor bruises, don’t try to make it spotless or whole again, love it the way you got it, the way you found it, the way you just couldn’t take your eyes off it when you first saw it and how you kept thinking about it all night. Love it the way you did when all you wanted to do it was get it and what it took for you to get your hands on it. Love it even though at times you will not understand why you bought it or why you wanted it so much. Love it because deep inside it’s what you want but you’re afraid of getting so attached to something you just got. When you have something good, admire it, don’t try to lose it because you think you don’t deserve to have something that good.

When you have something good, understand it.

Understand who owned it before you, which homes did it live in before it found yours and if it was taken good care of or left unattended in a dark room. Understand the history behind it, know the details of how it was made, how it came to life, and what kind of pressure it had to go through to look that good. Delve deeper into the things that make it so special and then try to understand why you are the best person to have it. Why it will be safe in your hands. When you have something good, don’t be scared of how precious it is – precious things find precious homes.

When you have something good, don’t go looking for something better.

When you have the real thing, don’t look at the competition, don’t look at the cheaper fake versions, don’t look at the new models or the different colors and don’t forget why you loved it so much when you’re distracted by all the new things you keep looking at. If you’re always looking for something better you will never appreciate what you have. If you’re always looking for something better, you may not realize that what you have is already the best. 

Questions

What would you do when there are too many questions?

What would you do when you starting to have doubts?

What would you be when there are too many things which you can't get answers?

What would you let yourself be when there aren't any options left?

What will you do when you have no where else to go to?

What will you feel when you have everything to lose?

What will you be when all is lost?

What will you do when you are just lost?

Void

When you score a draft, then you kept it. After a few years, you brought it up, produced it to a track. Every moment in the past is like writing it down in a journal. I remember all the things I thought I wanted it to be. My heart just came to life. Every story has it's thoughts. 

Come whatever, I will be the shelter when the rain comes. The pain cuts you deep, but is there a way out? Every single note you score it just doesn't seems like the note it was suppose to be. You are in need of a remedy. I am in need of that remedy to fill up the void. 

Sometimes, pain in life is something I cherish. It makes me into who I am today. For some reason, it just pushed away so many things that doesn't matter. The more we try to pleased the world, the more I felt I'm being cornered. I need a keeper. I need a guard. I don't need pretense, I don't need guilt. I just need a way to fill up the void.

Sometimes I feel lonely with the arms of your touch. But I know it was just me letting myself to go places I shouldn't. It ease in the veins, or just call it "a need for my job". The more reasons I look for, the more effective it helps me in my work. But when it is all done and over, the void flows in and I felt I am missing a part of me. I'm being cruel to be kind. I needed the space between me and myself. I do not wanna carry on acting to be fine. I just can't face that void growing inside. 

It is the world to me that you are in my life. But I need to survive. To earn my strips, I have to pay to bear my pain. I know I'm not the only one who regrets with what we've done. I miss the air of the rain, that scent is just calming. Sometimes I just thought it's only me, who just didn't become the person who I thought I would've become. 

A Prayer

I'm not sure how I can sleep tonight after seeing images like this. How do I go about my "normal" life while so much of the world is in pain? These aren't just children in some war-stricken country... These are OUR children. 

I just spent the last hour watching television and live-tweeting from the safety of my warm and comfortable home, while my family next to me. Now I will get to go sleep in my soft bed while these innocent children, who did nothing wrong, are forced to flee their homeland after so much unimaginable pain and loss. Something feels so off. 

Why do some of us have privilege? 

What makes us special? 

What does "us" even mean? 

There is no us and them...there is just WE. And not until WE start to see the pain being inflicted on these children all over the world as OUR OWN pain will anything start to change. It's all fine and dandy to have success, to have money, fame and a beautiful life... 

There is nothing wrong with it and if you have it there is no need to feel guilty. But we can't forget that with success comes responsibility. A responsibility to actually DO something with it, to stop this seemingly endless cycle of hate, war and even more hate. To find solutions instead of dwelling in the drama of media, negativity, and trending hashtags that without sincerity and action don't change anything. 

There are blessings in every trial, every tribulation and every calamity even when it seems impossible to find. We must find the good, the hope, and the love in the rubble of the destruction we are ALL responsible for. We are one family. We are the leaves of one tree. The drops of one ocean.

Today, with a heavy heart I pray for all of humanity, even the terrorists. And for those of us who have been given privilege and open enough eyes to recognize we have it...

I ask you all to start looking for ways to do some good with what you/we have worked so hard for and been given. Because at the end of your life, the good you choose to do on this planet will more than likely be the only thing you can take with you. 

       

365 Days & Closing Chapter One

It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe it's all true..

- Sara Bareilles

End of a Chapter 1 - Part 009 : Nov 10th 2015



It's not simple to say, most days I don't recognize myself. It is also not easy to know I am not anything like I used to be. For every reason, I can't believe we are closing chapter one.

The imperfection and the uncommonly interest we had, it is not easy to believe things would actually work out. Now, I've got you and you are not what I've asked for. Bringing back to 365 days of memories we have forged, it's all seems too fast. The good and the bad, we managed to come to a close for this chapter.

Life is always messy, and life has been kind. We are human, and we are bound with our sins. For one reason that I could pull it through is because you have been my anchor. You are mine....

The things we have lost, the things we have made, and the things to come. It is a beautiful disaster. Do I wanna rewrite the ending, I guess I would be happy to just let it be. You're imperfect, but you try. You are messy but you are kind. It is as simple as I can just say that I am the happiest person alive.

It is not easy to know when the part of your dream is becoming reality. There is a thin line where I mixed up what is a fantasy and reality. What is there for me to sabotage everything I have? Where do I wanna go from here? What will the next chapter lies? For the one person who see me for who I am...


Thank you for a wonderful 365 days and I want another 365 years with you. 

‘Diamond of Dubai’: Burj 2020 Tower Design Unveiled

Dubai Multi Commodities Centre (DMCC) on Tuesday unveiled Burj 2020, a super-tall tower that could even go over 700 metres in height with the top two floors being observation deck.

“The demand that will be registering will dictate the exact height of the tower but at the highest it might go 700 plus. We are looking at a super tall tower and we are looking at having one of the world’s highest viewing decks which will offer 360 degree experience,” Ahmed Bin Sulayem, Executive Chairman, DMCC, said after launching the Burj 2020 District at Cityscape Global.

The pure commercial tower is slated to claim the title of the world’s tallest residential tower in 2020, the year when it will be completed.

“We have seen lot of success and lot of mistakes as well but we are not going to repeat it in this initiative,” Bin Sulayem said.

The master planned Burj2020 District will comprise seven towers and over one million square metres built up area (BUA), which is equivalent size of approximately one-third of the existing Jumeirah Lakes Towers (housing 66 towers) and nearly twice the size of New York’s Rockefeller Center. In addition, there will be retail offering totaling over 100,000 square metres.

The district has been designed by Adrian Smith and Gordon Gill (AS+GG).

“Inspired by faceted gemstones, the Burj2020’s design is rooted in the principles of perpetual value, enduring strength and everlasting beauty. Symbolising the next stage of growth for the city, the design of the tower is also inspired by the facets of a diamond – elegant, bold and timeless,” said Smith.

Meydan, a Dubai-based developer, has also announced plans for the world’s highest 360° observation deck at 655 metres, while other developers have announced plans to build the second tallest tower in the emirate after Burj Khalifa, the world’s tallest tower.

Malindo Air Expands International Operations

Malindo Air has filed a number of operational schedule for proposed new routes it intends to launch, based on latest update in Sabre GDS timetable listing. Based on the listing, the airline intends to launch following service from 11NOV15.

Kuala Lumpur – Hong Kong
OD605 KUL1015 – 1410HKG 738 D
OD606 HKG1510 – 1905KUL 738 D

Kuala Lumpur – Perth
OD151 KUL0825 – 1410PER 739 D
OD152 PER1500 – 2055KUL 739 D

Reservations for these service are currently not available, further changes to planned launch dates remain highly possible.

Elsewhere, Malindo from 25OCT15 plans to adjust operations on following routes:
Kuala Lumpur – Delhi eff 10OCT15 Increase from 7 to 10 weekly
Kuala Lumpur – Denpasar Increase from 1 to 2 daily
Kuala Lumpur – Dhaka Reduce from 2 to 1 daily
Kuala Lumpur – Jakarta Increase from 1 to 2 daily
Kuala Lumpur – Kathmandu eff 01OCT15 Increase from 3 to 7 weekly.

2015 Business Traveller Asia-Pacific Awards

The winners of the region’s most prestigious travel awards were announced today at an exclusive presentation luncheon at the Conrad Hong Kong Hotel.

The Business Traveller Asia-Pacific Awards is now in its 24th year and still growing, with the addition of two new categories for 2015: Best Hotel Loyalty Progamme; and Best Luxury Hotel Brand in Asia-Pacific.

One of the reasons why the awards are so revered, and so popular, is that they are chosen by people who travel for a living, frequently using airports, airlines and hotel services, and visiting regional destinations. These people are the readers of and subscribers to Business Traveller Asia-Pacific. A good proportion of them travel particularly frequently, racking up tons of miles along the way!

This year a number of brands have held their award winning positions from 2014, reflecting their popularity and pursuit of excellence. But there were some significant new winners, particular among the hotels, perhaps reflecting the growth in new properties springing up in the region.

Perhaps not surprisingly, Singapore Airlines again reigned supreme, winning the overall award for Best Airline in the world and for Best Asia-Pacific Airline for the 15th year running. The airline also managed to scoop the awards for: Best Airline First Class; Best Airline Business Class; Best Airline Economy Class; and Best In-flight Catering.

Lufthansa won the award for Best European Airline, while awards for Best North American Airline, Best Middle Eastern/African Airline and Best China Airlinewere won by United Airlines, Qatar Airways and Air China, respectively. All four airlines also won the same awards last year. British Airways won the Best Premium Economy Class award.

Cathay Pacific also enjoyed some prestige at the event, winning the Best Frequent Flyer Programme award, and also the Best Airline Lounge in Asia-Pacific.

The Grand Hyatt won the award for Best Business Hotel Brand in the World, marking its third consecutive year in the top spot, while the Shangri-La won the award for Best Business Hotel Brand in Asia-Pacific.

Island Shangri-La Hong Kong and The Peninsula Hong Kong won Best Business Hotel in the World and Best Business Hotel in Asia-Pacific, respectively. The Fullerton Bay Hotel Singapore won the Best Boutique Hotel in Asia-Pacific for the second year running, while The Westin Singapore won theBest New Business Hotel in Asia-Pacific.

Mandarin Oriental took out the inaugural award for Best Luxury Hotel Brand in Asia-Pacific, while the new award for Best Hotel Loyalty Programme was won byStarwood Preferred Guest.

In the awards for serviced residences, Ascott remain undefeated in the category ofBest Serviced Residence Brand in Asia-Pacific since 2004, when the award was introduced. Fraser Suites Top Glory Shanghai won the award for Best Serviced Residence in Asia-Pacific.

For work and play destinations, Hong Kong and Bangkok once again won awards for Best Business City in the World and Best Leisure Destination in Asia-Pacific, respectively.

2015 Business Traveller Asia-Pacific Awards

 

AIRLINES

Best Airline

1. Singapore Airlines
2. Emirates
3. Cathay Pacific

Best Asia-Pacific Airline

1. Singapore Airlines
2. Cathay Pacific
3. Thai Airways







Best China Airline

1. Air China
2. China Eastern
3. China Southern

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best European Airline

1. Lufthansa
2. British Airways
3. Swiss

Best North American Airline

1. United Airlines
2. Delta Air Lines
3. American Airlines

 

 

 

 

Best Middle-East/African Airline

1. Qatar Airways
2. Emirates
3. Etihad Airways







Best Low Cost Airline

1. Air Asia
2. Jetstar Asia
3. Scoot

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best First Class

1. Singapore Airlines
2. Etihad Airways
3. Emirates







Best Business Class

1. Singapore Airlines
2. Cathay Pacific
3. Qatar Airways

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Premium Economy Class

1. British Airways
2. Qantas Airways
3. Cathay Pacific

 

 

Best Economy Class

1. Singapore Airlines
2. Thai Airways
3. Emirates

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Frequent-Flyer Programme

1. Cathay Pacific – Marco Polo Club
2. Singapore Airlines - Krisflyer
3. Thai Airways – Royal Orchid







Best Airline Lounge in Asia-Pacific

1. Cathay Pacific – Hong Kong International Airport
2. Singapore Airlines – Changi Airport
3. Thai Airways - Suvarnabhumi Airport

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Airline Inflight Catering

1. Singapore Airlines
2. Qantas Airways
3. Cathay Pacific

 

 

 

 

AIRPORTS

Best Airport in the World

1. Changi Airport
2. Hong Kong International Airport
3. Incheon Airport







Best Airport in Asia-Pacific

1. Changi Airport
2. Hong Kong International Airport
3. Incheon Airport







Best Duty-Free in the World

1. Incheon Airport
2. Changi Airport
3. Hong Kong International Airport







Best Business City in Northeast Asia

1. Hong Kong
2. Shanghai
3. Seoul







Best Business City in Southeast Asia

1. Singapore
2. Bangkok
3. Kuala Lumpur







Best Business City in the World

1. Hong Kong
2. London
3. New York







Best Leisure Destination in Asia-Pacific

1. Bangkok
2. Singapore
3. Tokyo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HOTELS

Best Business Hotel Brand in the World

1. Grand Hyatt
2. Shangri-La
3. Intercontinental







Best Business Hotel Brand in Asia-Pacific

1. Shangri-La
2. Grand Hyatt
3. Intercontinental

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Business Hotel Brand in Europe

1. Intercontinental
2. Sofitel
3. Hilton







Best Business Hotel Brand in North America

1. Marriott
2. Sheraton
3. Hilton







Best Business Hotel Brand in Middle East/Africa

1. Jumeirah
2. Intercontinental
3. Sheraton

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Mid-Market Hotel Brand in the World

1. Holiday Inn
2. Novotel
3. Courtyard by Marriott







Best Mid-Market Hotel Brand in Asia-Pacific

1. Holiday Inn
2. Novotel
3. Four Points by Sheraton

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Luxury Hotel Brand in Asia-Pacific

1. Mandarin Oriental

2. Four Seasons

3. The Ritz-Carlton

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Hotel Loyalty Programme

1. Starwood Preferred Guest

2. Hyatt Gold Passport

3. Marriott Rewards

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Business Hotel in the World

1. Island Shangri-La Hotel, Hong Kong
2. Mandarin Oriental, Hong Kong
3. Shangri-La Hotel, Singapore

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Business Hotel in Asia-Pacific

1. The Peninsula, Hong Kong
2. Shangri-La, Singapore
3. Conrad Hong Kong

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Airport Hotel in Asia-Pacific

1. Regal Airport, Hong Kong
2. Crowne Plaza Changi Airport, Singapore
3. Novotel Bangkok Suvarnabhumi Airport, Thailand







Best New Business Hotel in Asia-Pacific

1. The Westin, Singapore
2. Rosewood Beijing
3. JW Marrriott Dongdaemun Square Seoul







Best Resort Hotel in Asia-Pacific

1. W Retreat & Spa Bali - Seminyak
2. Anantara Phuket Villas
3. Intercontinental Danang Sun Peninsula Resort







Best Boutique Hotel in Asia-Pacific

1. The Fullerton Bay Hotel, Singapore
2. Hotel Quote Taipei
3. Keraton at the Plaza Jakarta

 

 

BEST BUSINESS HOTELS 

Best Business Hotel in Bangkok

1. Grand Hyatt Erawan
2. Sofitel So
3. W Bangkok

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Business Hotel in Beijing

1. China World Summit Wing, Beijing
2. Grand Hyatt
3. The Westin Beijing Chaoyang

Best Business Hotel in Guangzhou

1. Four Seasons 
2. Garden Hotel
3. The Westin







Best Business Hotel in Hanoi

1. Sofitel Legend Metropole
2. Intercontinental Hanoi Westlake
3. Sheraton

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Business Hotel in Ho Chi Minh City

1. Park Hyatt
2. The Caravelle
3. Sheraton Saigon Hotel & Towers
  






Best Business Hotel in Hong Kong

1. Island Shangri-La
2. Grand Hyatt
3. Conrad







Best Business Hotel in Jakarta

1. Grand Hyatt
2. Hotel Indonesia Kempinski
3. Pullman Jakarta Indonesia Thamrin CBD

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Business Hotel in Kuala Lumpur

1. Grand Hyatt
2. Shangri-La
3. Hilton







Best Business Hotel in Macau

1. Grand Hyatt
2. The Venetian
3. Mandarin Oriental







Best Business Hotel in Manila

1. Makati Shangri-La
2. Fairmont Makati
3. New World Manila Bay







Best Business Hotel in Melbourne

1. Grand Hyatt
2. Park Hyatt
3. The Westin







Best Business Hotel in Mumbai

1. The Taj Mahal Palace
2. Grand Hyatt
3. Four Seasons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Business Hotel in New Delhi

1. The Taj Mahal Hotel
2. The Oberoi
3. The Imperial







Best Business Hotel in Osaka

1. The St. Regis
2. The Westin
3. Hilton







Best Business Hotel in Seoul

1. Lotte Hotel
2. Grand Hyatt
3. Conrad







Best Business Hotel in Shanghai

1. Jing An Shangri-La, West Shanghai
2. The Langham Shanghai, Xintiandi
3. Grand Hyatt







Best Business Hotel in Shenzhen   

1. The Ritz-Carlton
2. Futian Shangri-La
3. Grand Hyatt







Best Business Hotel in Singapore

1. Grand Hyatt
2. Shangri-La Hotel
3. The Fullerton







Best Business Hotel in Sydney

1. Park Hyatt
2. Intercontinental
3. Shangri-La







Best Business Hotel in Taipei

1. W Taipei
2. The Regent
3. The Okura Prestige







Best Business Hotel in Tokyo

1. Park Hyatt
2. Conrad
3. The Imperial







Best Serviced Residence in Asia-Pacific

1. Fraser Suites Top Glory, Shanghai
2. Ascott Raffles Place Singapore
3. Gloria Residence Taipei







Best Serviced Residence Brand in Asia-Pacific

1. Ascott
2. Fraser
3. Marriott Executive Apartments