Maybe

I guess it is just one of those nights you just can't help wondering about the good and the bad. Time flies and sometimes, I wondered how much things I have missed out because of the circumstances. 

I am about to step in my second year being cancer free. Yes it should be a celebratory feat, but somehow behind my head, I can't help wondering if the big C is creating back in my body. It's just a sick feeling in my gut that I can't help to feel.

Me and Leo just made it through 19 months. It has been great for us, but at the back of my mind, somehow I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Honeymoon period should've ended, but.. Somehow.. It just never stop. Some what unnatural I think.. 

Life is somehow very smooth and good to me. But why am I having all these bad feeling about it? Of course there are some hard things and small matters we have bumped into but we make it through. Leo has been more than what he is suppose to be. But if I was honest to myself, I can't help to feel somehow is he just too good for me and I am not deserving.

Did my early years fucked me up that bad that I think things wouldn't be this easy? Why am I anticipating all the negative things and harness those bad energy in me? Am I just that fucked up? Or I just think this life now I am living in is unreal?

There is so much going on in my head and all I wanna do is run. I just wanted to get to the airport and fly to you. The first face I see when I get out from the arrival hall is you. Maybe that would ease my worries.. Maybe.. 

But all I can do now is just pull it through the week before I can see you. All I can do is fantasizing all the little small things I've planned for the whole week. Maybe that is the only thing I am looking forward to without and fears.. But.. Maybe...