Hello & Goodbye

"Keep me close, hold me tight, as the days go by."

It's been a long while since I last wrote anything. For any reasons there are, it's just keep evolving. All I'm doing is just adapting.

For a certain time in the past, all I did was fighting cancer. For the longest time, I kept on fighting and I have some how forgotten what life has left for me. It's been a while now ever since I'm free from it. So the question now is - what's next?

Honestly, I have no idea at all where I am heading. I kept telling myself that I know where I wanna be or what I wanna do with my life now. I've been living with it for so long, and now it's gone. I really don't know what I am without it. I'm thankful the suffering has ended. But now I realise when I was fighting it, I somehow let it in and partly define the person I was. Or should I say define the person that I am.

My life now is far from perfect but I am thankful for everything I have. A very supportive family, a lover who loves me, and my in laws are quite awesome in ways I would ever wish for. But to a certain extend, I am missing a big part of me. I need to find the refuge in all these good. I never asked myself before what will I do after the storm. And I've been just living by life ever since I'm free. I need to learn how to lose 'you'.

The hollow somehow made me bother less. It isn't necessary a bad thing. Things that you could easily avoid and pushing those you know isn't good for you in your life. It use to irks me very much when someone uses the cancer card to get attention, and yet saying things like I'm saying this not wanting your pity. The old me would have lashed out. But I didn't bother at all. And when the person used terms like blood cancer or bone tumour, all that gone through cancer will just smile and walk away. There is no point to even initiate a conversation. It's just attention the person wants. One thing the journey taught me one thing. The very humbling sensation we call pain. Emotionally and physically. That pain is yours. At a point you accept that those pain are for you, a part of you, and it's your own forever. You will find that peace in it. You will want someone who understand that weight and carry it with you, but it isn't the case at all. It's just too personal to even talk about it. It just becomes a part of you.

Yes I'm disgusted by the actions of these people. It's not just a disgrace but also an insult. If any one had walk in an oncology ward, you'll understand why. But, as time go by, I just didn't bother at all. All I'm feeling is just a missing part of me that I'm happy that it's gone, and yet I'm missing that part all together.

All I can now is follow the wonder in my heart and let the world and love heal the broken parts. Drink up the sun and breathe in the air. Carry hotel e every where I am. Life is just right before our eyes. We say hello, and we say goodbye. But we will always be together. It all happened so fast. Let's make this moment last for you, for me, forever.