Obsession

 I know I haven't really written anything personal these few days. Guess what the old saying says. When you don't got anything nice to say...

I know my obsession of passenger airliner and buildings might be a little too many to handle these days. But it is something where I find peace reading and reblogging it. Sometimes, it does takes things off my mind a little. My condition hasn't really improved lately. Just here having my meds and having my treatments.

No point talking about the pain and tiredness that I am going through as in many ways, I knew it will still be there. Somehow, my trip to Sri Lanka, India and Nepal seems far to me now. I don't even know when will I be discharged and my flight back home will be in 2 weeks time.

At many junctions in life, we see that the past sometimes does lingers and bite you back in the ass whenever you think you finally made through it. I remember just a few days ago, I had a sorta like nightmare. At least to me it does. Cuz at some point, I felt like what have I done not to forgive myself for everything that I have done.

The dream was beautifully painful in many ways. It brought me back where we first spent our honeymoon. In Boracay Islands in the Philippines. I remember the white sands and clear waters. Cut short of what really happened there. I remembered the last thing Baby J told me in the dream.

Everything is so beautiful here. Nothing changed much since we last came. Nothing changed but us.

And that point I woke up and I felt like everything isn't right at all. I asked myself many times. Why does all these keep happening. Did I not had my closure? Did I not try to forgive myself? Why does this memory played through again and again?

Maybe it is the meds that kept me this way. Or do I have an unconscious  obsession with my past? In reality, I had let go of everything that I was holding on in the past. But what kept me from this. I really wish I had the answer now. For the time being, I just have to live with this.