Penance

There is a place where I long to be. But it is no where to be found. Living in a world of uncertainties sometimes just brings the toll on me. Even they always says, settle down and the path may show. On many occasions, I asked myself what and where will I be. But is that a question that I should be asking?

As days past, and with my conditions is, getting well is like an unreachable reach to me. No matter how much I wanted it, the harder it seems to be. Everything that is going on isn't helping at all. There is one thing I have been wanting to runaway from but it is inevitable. Knowing that time is what is left for me.

My best friends are leaving Malaysia at almost the same time next year. I know that we will still be in touch and all. But the idea of having them all far away is like so... I can't find the right word to describe how I feel. Of course I am happy with what is install for them. But the idea of not having them around is just.. so hard.

One is leaving for Melbourne, one is leaving for Sweden, one to Vietnam and another one to South Korea. I ask myself that at that point of time, would I still wanna be in Malaysia? The answers aren't something that is clear. I know I would be visiting them like a lot from time to time. All I know that I would be missing them a lot. But one thing which is warming to me is I still have Mr D with me here in Malaysia.

At points to points, the punishments of deeds are just too hard to accept and the faith of holding on was so unclear. Breathing every breath is just like a certain living mechanism without certainty of living it. I really wish it was easier. I really wish it was. Haven't I paid my dues? Haven't I done my time? Looking down on the pillow I lay, how many more nights will it be I ask... how many more..

I think I should stop thinking and tune into the Grammy Nomination announcement live from Nashville now. The only good thing is I have the whole ward all to myself.