Couldn't Help It

It is just a beautiful autumn day outside but I was just sitting around the window looking at the life around going by. I didn't feel as energetic as before, but I am still trying to put on the positivity which I clearly failed to do so.

As the train wreak express kept going, looking at the happy families spending their beautiful Sunday morning on the streets, lovers spending quality time for coffee. But seeing myself being a prisoner of all the tubes and catheter that bounded me here. I ask myself why do I still wanna do this?

Nobody said it's was easy, Nobody said it was this hard, Oh take me back to the start.

It keeps repeating in my head. I am dying to find something to keep me going on. At the moment, it is just pure darkness. Whenever I see something, it all reflects in a way I wanted thing to happen which will never will. When I saw that Something I Wish Was Real trending on twitter, I just wanted a total cure for cancer. Everything links back to the basic. Living in between reality and a fantasy world.

Reality is it will never be the same like what others are living in. Counting the days that I have been spending here now. I should be out there, having my cuppa coffee and reading something I love. But instead, for years, I have to lie to myself that now I am here for a better tomorrow. Could anyone bare to feel what I am feeling right now?

Every day passes and it always has been this part that eating away my soul. I am not asking for anything more. But just the pain is so much to endure. The darkness is every where. I wish that I could see the light. But it is always this hopeless at times like this.

Was talking to Dan earlier. He wasn't at a good place too at the moment. But one thing he ask that why I see him that no one will? Life isn't all about always having the best. But as someone that love him for who he is, I told him that all I see is him being unhappy in life now and that isn't what I wanna see everyone I love in my life be in that place. And it strikes me. My family.

But it is just a little too much to endure now. I don't wanna be in this state now. But I just couldn't help it either. At least not now.