If I am being honest about how I really feel, I could say I really haven't a clear idea if it was love or it was an infatuation. Of course this would be crucial and to be fair to the other person. This question has been over and over my head. I know a fact that if it was an infatuation, in the end, not just the relationship, even the friendship would be ruined. I wanted to make the right call, I wanted to do right on him. I've been through once with another person who after 6 months of dating walks up and tell you that it was just an infatuation in the end. Yes it hurts. Was it as bad as the time I screw my marriage over? No... But still, it hurts.
But the thing is, there is a part of me is trying to block out all these emotions that I was feeling. In a way, I know I couldn't do much on the current point we both stand. Even if we were cuddling or we were just being by each other side, there is and always be that hurdle between us. Yes I know that a big part of it was my own decision to make. I knew that there is so much more I wanted to give but I really can't. And that leads to the part of me that I gotta just live with the decisions I've made.
Every day, all I wanted to do is tell you how much you meant to me. All I wanted to do is tell you how beautiful my day was with you around. All I wanted to do is hold you close and letting you know how much I wanted to spend the time we have together. And in the end, the first question I've asked just doesn't exist anymore. If it was just an infatuation, I wouldn't feel this weight on my chess right now.
When all of the questions had an answer, the only thing was left behind, it was just me with that idea. Would've been a beautiful disaster? Or would've been a bitter sweet ending. I know that feeling is strong, I know what I wanted. I always knew. But could I really have that ending I wanted? Would I wanna hold you back? Or should I just let things be the way it was? I wanted to be judged. I wanted to be told where should I go from here. I wanted a way. A way that will leads to a perfect beautiful story.
There is still so much I wanted. But there is nothing in the whole wide world I wanted more than just you. Growing old together, having that same old brainless conversation, being who we are, nothing more, nothing less. Sounds so simple. Of course it is. For any healthy walking person, it is that simple. But for me, you are just so far out of reach. I know deep down, it is just not my game. The roulette table will just keep spinning, and that white ball will never land on my favor. I've accepted that. It is my turning tables. All I really wish for is you knew how much you really meant to me and how much I wanted to tell you everything that I am feeling right now. One day baby.. maybe one day. I love you.
Well, contempt loves the silence, it thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart
They say that promises sweeten the blow
But I don't need them,
I've been treated so wrong, I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
I need the darkness, the sweetness, the sadness, the weakness
I need this I need a lullaby,a kiss goodnight,angel, sweet love of my life
I need this
I'm a slow-dying flower Frost-killing hour
The sweet turning sour and untouchable
Do you remember the way that you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness I loved and adored
Your face-saving promises
Whispered liked prayers
I don't need them