I can't do this. All day, everyday, I'm hoax and prodded like a piece of meat. I'm suffocating in every way. The air in my room is stale, and I just can't stop thinking about everything I'm not doing. I look out my window and get angry of all these people just living their lives while I'm stuck in here missing everything. I I hate this feeling and I shut my blinds so I just don't have to look at it anymore. Just.. I have to get out of here. No one would understand. Everyone would just freak out and ask me to just stay.
I know being here doesn't feel like living, but I gotta do it. Everyone tells me I gotta do it and everyone says I gotta beat this thing. I can't stop thinking about my future. I refuse to accept that I wouldn't have one. Because I know I'm suppose to live. I still know that, but it's just this poison inside of me that wanna make me forget. How can I not let it? No one could truly understand, and no one would listen. I'm scared. I don't know, I just feel like this will never end.
Even being here, there are so many things keeps spinning and spinning. I'm upset of the thought of the people around me dying, even I don't know most of them, because it makes me aware of my own mortality. I couldn't forget even I want to about what happen that night. But I'm not the one shop to get on board on. And that moment I walk away, it still haunts me till now.
I know there are a lot of people I could talk to. But... It's just different. You know when you are sick, and you have someone who is sick, you can have these conversation about life and death and what it all means. I don't know. I don't know anymore. I don't even know what it means all between you and me. It's not fair in many levels. I can't have a reaction to this. People tell me I'm one of the lucky ones. How am I lucky? All I feel now is just fear and anger. I'm not ready. I'm really not ready to just go. I wanna just break free from all these, and be me. The me who will do and live the way I wanted.
This is happening to me weather I like it or not. And being sick, I'm starting to realize, and let me see things in a way that most people can't. How this is kinda weirdly being a gift. But a gift I would totally give it back plus a full refund, but I can't. I know, no amount of money and no amount of privilege I would get to be exampted the exactly feeling of being shipped off a war that you never even enlisted for. Throughout these years, the only lucky thing I can think of the new sides of myself that I discover with this journey. A will that I never knew I had after Eli was torned away from our family. I get to see new sides of the people who matters the most to me, as they wrapped me in their love and strength when mine is running low. But even then, why are there so many things that I can't say it out loud? Especially to Dumdum.
All I can do now is fight. Fight with all that I have left within me. Fight like hell. Because really, what other choice do I have?